Flux is the word that fits me.
I sit here, 3 days away from my 1 year anniversary of being collared to Kamm. 7 days from the start of Winter Fire. Sitting on my couch, watching Family Guy on my day off and waiting for a card reader to arrive in the mail so i can get some *legit* work done. Also, not sure if journal entry or erotica. Might be both...
The past year has uncovered a lot of things for me. Some good, some bad, some wholly awesome, some that can go eat a bag of dicks.
There are parts of me that are afraid of what i want to do, what turns me on, what i fantasize about. There are other parts of me that are turned on by what i fear. I fear the escalation. If i think some of the stuff i want to do now is entirely fucked up, what will i be doing in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years?
I think about my kinks every day. I actually have a libido. I actually want sex. I feel like this has fixed me, for lack of a better term. I was broken before. Crappy libido, didn't think about sex. I barely got horny. Now... It's different.
I think Lynk may have effectively rewired me. Fear turns me on. Afraid? Probably aroused. Think terrible things are going to happen to me? Sploosh. Now, pain is doing the same thing...At least certain kinds of it. It's weird, and slightly confusing. I'm a clumsy person. I trip over everything i bump into stuff, walking into my desk at work is an interesting experience. This is pretty strange, and new for me. I've written about my hypersensitivity issues before. Touch is an exceptionally intimate thing for me. It's the reason i never want to be touched or huged by random strangers (really, i generally shake hands until i get to know someone at least casually. And even then, thems' short sweet hugs).
Control is what i think about. Being controlled, being forced, being overpowered. A hand on my throat. Whispers of terrible things in my ear. Low light. Feeling the heat from my partners body on mine. I want growl and claw and bite and be bowled back into submission. To be sweaty and hot and exhausted. To strain at my bonds, if i have any; rope, leather, hands. Feeling a hand grab a fist full of hair and pulling it away from my eyes, forcing me to look into theirs. There is no attempt to look away.
Blood play is another thing that is crossing my mind more and more lately. As someone who used to work in the medical community, it's a bit odd. Blood is... Blood. It doesn't bother me, i'm not squeamish. I actually don't mind the taste of blood at all, or the smell. But thinking about bleeding and suffering for my partner. Doing this for them. Feeling it run down my body, falling from my skin. Feeling it cool, coagulate and dry.
So, so strange.
Now, this type of thing is insanely difficult for me to admit to wanting to do. The more i think about it, the more i realize "holy shit, i've been kinky this whole time." When i played cowboys and indians with my neighbors as kids, i always wanted to be the Indian because i got to hide and get caught and get "tied up." My auto-play fantasies all revolve around reluctance and consensual non-consent. The submission drive is newer. The fear play is new. The pain play is brand-spankin-new, heh.
It's almost like there are new cards being "added to my deck." Or maybe like we're adding a new game entirely and i get to figure them out as i go along. Bring it.
Fortitudo per dolore.