Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Hitachi Magic Wands: Legit or Counterfeit?

So, if you've read anything in this blog you know i am a HARDCORE hitachi magic wand fan. You also know that only the ONE TRUE WAND will do. It is seriously like Highlander up in this bitch. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. And if you send me the wrong one, there will be big, big problems. (Isn't that right, ebay seller?).

Recently Hitachi changed their packaging and branding on their original magic wands. This has lead to some serious confusion. Counterfeits are everywhere! And believe me, if you're like me, it matters. The reason for this is because Hitachi doesn't want to be in the market of mass producing vibratos. Yes, i know hitachis have a "legitimate" use, but i only know ONE person who uses theirs in the "muscle relaxation" sense. A hitachi is first a sex toy and ..whatever hitachi markets it as second. Them's the facts.

And before someone points this out: The NEW wand is labeled on the button window as "Original". The old wands are labeled Hitachi. 

I've put together this guide to show you the differences between each of the wands and let you know exactly what it is that you've got.

Let's start with the packaging:


New package is on the bottom, knock-off is on top. Clearly these look different. The OLD/ORIGINAL WAND has the model number HV-250, the NEW WAND has a new model number, HV-260. The knock offs are often labeled as HV-250s. This is incredibly frustrating as counterfeits often have legitimate packing IN the online add. The sellers show you a legitimate item, and ship you a cheap knock off. I apologize, i could not find the box for my older HV-250 model, but i do recall it was very similar to the new packaging. 

Let's view everything in full:


Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 
Control button close ups: 


Look very closely at the control buttons and window. This is the easiest way to tell which you've got. LEGIT HITACHIS OF ANY KIND always have a rectangular control panel. The Original HV-250 buttons have a red dot for high, a white dot for low and no discernable indicator for off. The new HV-260 has a = for high, a - for low and a o for off. The knock off has a ROUNDED BUTTON WINDOW and no setting indicators or labels. The knock offs often have cracking, bubbling or lifting of the sticker that makes the background for the button window. The legitimate hitachi wands will not have this. The button also is not as audible when pressed. On any of the legitimate wands, the buttons are ergonomic and have a definite 'click' when changed. 

The only notable difference between the original HV-250 and the New HV-260 is how the branding lays. The original wands say Hitachi on them, the new wands say "Magic Wand Original" but not NOT have the hitachi branding. Don't worry, your hitachi is still legitimate. 


Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 

These are the cord attachment points for each. Notice the shorter, cheaper attachment style. It feels flimsy. Also note the screws. The screw channel on the knock off is substantially deeper than the legitimate two.

Let's talk head. I mean heads.

Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 


The knock off head is more square, the legitimate two are more rounded. The head on the knock off will also be able to be removed much easier than the actual hitachi heads. The knock off head makes a weird crinkly sound when squeezed. It has a plastic coating, like a plastic bag inside. Also notice the metal rim around the body. The knock off's chrome piece is about 1/4th inch thicker. The neck is also made with thicker ridges.

Other than what is shown here, the weight between the legitimate wands and the knock offs are substantially different. If you don't feel like you can give someone a serious concussion if you hit them in the head with your sex toy, you're holding a counterfeit vibrator.

Why is this information important?
  • The knockoff vibrators are NOT NEARLY AS POWERFUL as the original units. Some people prefer the lower power, some people prefer the higher. You should know what you have in case you have a preference. 
  • The knock offs will run y ou anywhere from $20-$40 USD. You should NOT EVER PAY MORE THAN THAT. The legitimate units will cost you anywhere from $46-$120 USD depending on the location in which they are purchased to the accessories they come with. That $120 price is generally for sex shops and other brick and mortar locations. While I am ALL about supporting local business, this price is absolutely absurd and you can find better. 
  • Online sellers (a lot of EBAY stores are guilty of this) will SHOW YOU PICTURES of a legitimate unit in their online add, and then SEND YOU A COUNTERFEIT product. This is a problem, because generally they are overcharging you for a knockoff, and they are misrepresenting their product. 
  • If you purchase online through Paypal or with a credit card, you do have some buyer protection and can return the item for a refund if that is what you would like to do. 
  • Educate sellers (send them this guide if you need to) if they don't seem to understand the discrepancy. 
  • The EXACT difference between the HV-250R and the HV-260 is ONLY in the button control images and the branding. THAT IS IT. Both are legitimate hitachi units, it's just that hitachi didn't want to be known as "that company that makes vibrators" so they removed the Hitachi name from the product. 
Where can I get a legitimate unit?
  • www.newegg.com usually has them in stock and at a reasonable price ~$55.00 they often have coupon codes to save you some money. This is where I got my last legitimate unit. 
  • More sources will be added as I come across them. If you know a place (retail or online) that sells Hitachis and you know if they are real or counterfeit, please let me know! 


Hopefully now you know which hitachi you have :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Baby Bootie


Yesterday, my boot blacking mentor gave me a small basic kit as a gift. I've very very very recently gotten into boot blacking. At the last Cigars Boots & Chocolate i spoke to one of the boot blacks that attends, and a good friend of mine, @Kingpin. He said if i ever wanted to learn to let him know. Well... i thought about it and decided boot blacking would be something i am very interested in doing. My new mentor and Daddy helped me build a kit. Daddy gave me a few pieces he had from his shoe shine kit.

First i did my cuff. Then i did my regular wear boots. Then Daddy did one of his boots and i did the other. Earlier today i cleaned and conditioned my satchel.

Here's to doing more boot blacking at Charm City Fetish Fair (in between teaching).

Pictures: (right: my new kit) (below: boots before and after. You can see how dirty they were, the leather is actually black, as in the after picture. Not brown  like in the before) (below: my hand covered in polish ;) ).



Saturday, March 22, 2014

[erotica] Break

[Erotica]:
-----
"Get on your knees." His voice is cold and sterile. It's a demand but there is no anger behind it. I feel his hand thread through my collar and shove me down. I would have been willing to comply, but with my hands uncomfortably bound behind my back, getting on my knees without falling over is a harder task than normal. Gear ties. I hate gear ties. The rubber coating pinches at my skin. I try to rotate my wrists inside them to get them to sit more comfortably.

It's a warm sunny day. I should be happy. But i'm not, i'm scared. My knees buckle and i drop my weight. He'll catch me. ..Or he won't. It doesn't really matter anymore. My thought stream is interrupted by the pressure on my neck changing direction. I know what he wants me to do, but i can't do it. I see the bucket sitting out on the grass. It's filled with cold water. It's orange and it's plastic and i hate it. I even have a healthy level of hatred for him. I ragdoll against my collar, knowing it'll take him a significant amount of effort to get me to move. I've done this before. He pulls harder and a growl bubbles from my throat. I brace and flinch before i even finish making the sound, i shouldn't have done that. My cheek erupts in pain as he slaps me across the face. His other hand entwines into my hair and he pulls me forward. I move, but not because i want to. He gets fed up with the game and kicks me swiftly in the ass. I cry out and lurch forward as his boot connects. "Move your fucking ass or I'll give you a reason not to." The threat isn't empty. I can still feel the sting on my face. I assume he doesn't have the stun gun on him, but it wouldn't be a long trip to go get it, or he always has his fists... Or teeth... My collar sits at an uncomfortably high angle on my neck as he half walks half drags me forward. I try to not pull against it too much, i'll need my breath. I know the bucket is full.. I filled it myself. The hose is still in it, running at a low speed. I think about knocking the bucket over and how much pleasure i would get from that. But i know i can't..Not on purpose. He wouldn't kill me but i know how much pain he can inflict in a second. I know the punishment would far exceed the crime if i managed to do it.

He pulls the hose from the bucket and wets the ground around it, spraying me in the process. The water is ice cold against my skin and quickly soaks the few articles of clothing i'm wearing. I hiss and recoil.
He puts the hose back into the bucket and kneels behind me, trapping me between his body and the bucket. I flinch away from his touch but can't escape. His hands are strangely gentle, i feel his fingers wrap around my face, pulling it back towards his. I'm still trembling. I don't know what to do with this ...nice. I expect to be choked or hit but it doesn't come. "Relax."

"I can smell your cunt from here."

I cower at his words, knowing there is truth to them. I can smell it too, even through my underwear. I'm partially clothed, his request. It makes me uncomfortable, but with the added dampness from the water it's even worse. He pulls my shirt down and grabs one of my tits, his other hand still on my face. I lean into him, processing the pain as he pinches one of my nipples. A moan turns into a whimper as the pain level rises. I lean into him.

"I'm going to drown you in this bucket, and beat your filthily worthless ass until you beg me to stop, you know that, right?" No malice, no anger. A simply stated fact.

"Yes.." He's smiling. I let my gaze fall.  I can feel the tears hot and warm flowing down my cheeks. I'm not sure how he expects me to beg if i'm choking but i guess we'll get to that later. He gets up, chuckling, towering over me. I whimper and cower away from him. My breathing is already labored from sitting hunched over and being so afraid. The air is warm but my skin is covered in gooseflesh. He grabs a fist full of my hair and pushes  me to the edge of the bucket. I struggle against his grip but it's futile. "Deep breath." He doesn't wait for me. The cool water washes over my face as he dunks me.  My chaotic word goes quiet, but i don't have enough air to keep the peace. I struggle back against his grip and he eases up, i choke and gasp, breaking free of the surface.

Water splashes weakly out of the sides of the bucket but the lost amount is quickly refilled. The grass beneath me is turning muddy. I can't stabilize my internal temperature and it makes me uncomfortable. It only gets worse from here. I waste a lot of energy on trying to calm my breathing. I feel his hand back in my hair and i take a deep breath. My face meets the water and this time i'm more prepared. He has my face down but my ears are out of the water. I can hear a lot, with my vision obscured in the bucket. Usually i love sensory depravation so much, i'm not as enthusiastic about it today.

I'm struggle to stay calm. I'm not sure what type of reaction he wants out of me. Does he want legitimate panic? Does he want me to struggle now? My air is running out. I can feel my chest tightening. I have no leverage in this position and it is terrible. I push back against his hand, i'd like to breathe soon. I know i can hold my breath longer but this is an issue with diminishing returns. Eventually he lets me up. I let the water fall from my face before opening my mouth. I learned that the first time...

He dunks my face in the bucket a few more times before getting bored of that part of the game. He reaches into the bucket and grabs me by the jaw, hiking me as far up onto my knees as he can get me. I'm a little light headed and the lack of air and sudden shift in position. Catch up brain, i think i might need you. He shoves me roughly onto the mud. I whimper and try to curl up. I feel his boot on my ass. The sole is cold. I can't even try to crawl away. He rolls me onto my side towards my back. My hands are numb, he checks them and removes the gear ties. I bring my hands to my chest and clutch them, but he isn't done yet. He takes advantage of my distraction and shoves me all the way into my back. I feel his knee on my sternum. I grab at it, trying to shove him off. The pain is intense, i can't breathe. "Please" it's a breathless word. A plead. He won't get off. He slaps me in the face once, twice, three times.

I can't process. The weight lifts off my chest and i gulp in air. I still can't breathe. He yanks me up by the arms and pushes me back towards the bucket. No. He won't shove me back in there in the middle of hyperventilating, surely? I'm not sure. I don't trust him not to do it. I fight back against him struggling against his grip. I don't even have words. I'm so thirsty and tired. The mud is drying on my skin and clothes. I just want it to end. I grab his wrist. "Please.. No.." my words are so weak. "Pathetic. Worthless cunt can't even beg for her own life." He pushes my nose towards the water. I take a deep breath. He shoves me under. I grip the lip of the bucket with both hands. Maybe.. maybe i can make it stop.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The deep end

Warning: edge play of all varieties mentioned. If it isn't your thing, i'd suggest turning back now.

I think it's time i've accepted a few labels for myself; masochist, edge player, sick-fuck.

Sexual guilt is actually something i've never dealt with before. I've always been very "on my own terms." I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy i really loved because we decided it was a good time for us (he was a virgin too, and a year younger than me). It was a good experience and we were together for a long time but i knew it wouldn't be forever. We're still friends to this day, he's pretty cool.

I went through a "slut phase" in college because i felt like it and wanted to. My sexual partners (at the time) were all really cool about it. I had my first MFM threesome and OTHER people were so mad! How dare i let them take advantage of me! ...Excuse me? It was my fucking idea. We were sitting in a hot tub, chilling out (we may have been drinking a bit) and were talking about fantasies. Those guys were pretty cool, i know one of them put side some of his own issues to participate in that threesome for me. I ended up seeing him for a couple months, not a bad lay honestly.

I've been (not so) slowly evolving since i became involved in the BDSM scene. When i first started, i could handle barely any pain. I didn't want to. I wanted to do things that "looked pretty and didn't hurt." There's a reason the first thing i ever tried was rope. I like rope, i like different kinds of rope now. Come at me for something "pretty and decorative" and i'll look at you like you've got three heads. It isn't my thing.

I've been happily splashing away in the middle of the pool, you know the place, where you can still touch the bottom safely if you stand on your tippytoes? The place where i'm very comfortable with my kinks, even if they're a little unusual. The last 6 or so months have brought me to the deep end of the pool. I can no longer feel the bottom without diving, having to hold my breath and swim down. It's scary. I've had a lot of thoughts that haven't been entirely positive "THIS turns me on?" "Wow, this is messed up, how could that make me wet?" "Why does thinking about THAT turn me on?" Etc.

My core kink is giving up control, or having it taken from me. Everything i love seems to stem from that. Given the right people and right circumstances, i can be made to do just about anything. I have a few people in my life that are very happy to exploit that fact, and i'm only to willing to let them. That's how i was able to agree to doing any number of horrible things; live burial, mind fucks, drowning, needles, rape scenes, vomit/retching, cunt suturing, cunt stapling... Some of those haven't happened yet but they will. They will because i don't safe word to them because on some level i'm intrigued. I've certainly still got hard limits, and most of the time they're listened to (my dynamics allow for some.. uhm.. interpretation, depending on the situation).

It's a process, working through these feelings. Consensual non-consent has always been a thing for me, but lately i've been fantasizing about actual rape. That's a little unsettling, actually, it's a lot unsettling. My sadist talks about how he wants to suture my cunt shut, instead of redding out, i think about it and get really, really turned on. Did i mention that piercing my cunt for play is/was a hard limit? Guess it isn't anymore, because i've already essentially agreed to do it. No one should be that wet while debating that.

I want to be pushed. I want to suffer. I want my pain to please my partners. And i really, really want to be OK with that. I'm slowly coming around to the ideas. I do catch myself in the negative, but i calmly remind myself that i AM an adult and i am in charge of my own sexual journey and i do know how to use my safe words and negotiate scenes in ways that make me feel supported. One of the biggest factors to getting into this kind of play is the support network and aftercare i receive from my partners. That probably plays a bigger role than almost anything. I know i'm not the first person to have these feelings of discomfort about engaging in certain types of play, and i know i won't be the last. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what tips or techniques you used to help you work through these feelings.


Monday, February 24, 2014

DOWF14 III : Process

I'm mostly writing this whole series of entries to 1. remember shit, and 2. prove to everyone that i'm not an emotionless wash bucket and that this shit scares me. My play has shifted to the place that usually falls on most peoples hard limits list, and this isn't a story about "you must be this kinky to ride." I can do this kind of play because i have the right kind of trust and support system and fucked up people who love to push me. 


So, if you've read the last two entries i've posted, you probably have a good idea of what happened at my DO Winter Fire event. I left out the scene with the stun gun and the stun baton because.. Well, i'm not really sure. Sadist and i did another scene on Saturday after my Pet Play class (which went amazingly well by the way, that class is always so fun to teach. Petplayers have some of the most amazing energy and they always bring it to the class) that was based on pain. And for some reason i agreed to it. Stun gun, stun baton, wrenches (two... TWO wrenches), biting and rough body play and a little degradation for dessert. I've never tried a stun baton before, and honestly it wasn't that bad. I prefer it to the stun gun since for me the sensation is thuddier and i prefer thuddy over stingy. So there is the rest of the fucked up shit we did over the weekend. 

Anyway. Processing. Right. 

The drowning scene was hard for me, as one might imagine. I had a very difficult time processing it, but not for the reasons you might expect. It took me days to get through. From Monday morning to about thursday after Winter Fire i was still working though things. As of now (Sunday 2/23 and Monday 2/24) when i am writing this, i am in a really good place about it and have found acceptance of a lot of the issues i was dealing with.

When my sadist first mentioned that he wanted to drown me, my immediate reaction was to safe word out of the entire situation because, who the fuck wants to be drowned? I didn't. Fuck that shit. It took over a year of suggestion for me to actually get around to consenting and then actually discussing safety and details (part of our process for setting up scenes of this nature). This scene was a Very Big Deal. We do a lot of edge play, i'm afraid a lot, fear play is a lot of what we do.. But this was the first time i felt truly vulnerable and that was a big, big distinction from what i usually feel. Fear and vulnerability are two very different things. 

Like most people, i have a built-in fear of death by drowning. That's one of the factory installed fears that i actually have. That along with loud noise issues. I'm missing quite a few of the other ones (snakes, spiders, etc). Death by drowning is in the top 3 ways-to-die that i'm afraid of (1 is actually losing control of my vehicle, which has happened to me twice, bizarrely enough). 

I've been non-consensually drowned before, which i had actually forgotten about until the Saturday of Winter Fire, i didn't tell my sadist about this until AFTER our scene. Now, before you start yelling about triggers and bad touch and horrible things, it was NOT a problem for me. My not consensual drowning had taken place in a swimming pool. I still go swimming, i love swimming to this day. I'd pushed the incident out of my mind for years, this happened over a decade ago. I didn't mention it to him because for me it was not relevant and all throughout our negotiation process i had FORGOTTEN it. I actually brought it up because we're planning another CNC scene and was asking me about my past history with other things which could possibly be triggering. THEN it dawned on me that i should probably tell him about that. 

Scene negotiation is a complex process that is almost impossible to perfect. Sadist and i are going to do another drowning scene, but i did specifically request that he NOT drown me in a pool, since next time we actually have that as an option, as this scene will be happening at camp. And to all of you perverts that would like to watch (and i'm pretty sure there are at least half a dozen of you), you may. All i ask is that you keep a respectful distance and don't interfere with the scene or my immediate aftercare. 

For scenes that are very intense edge-play related, i ask my partner what they want out of me. For this scene, his want was to see me in a state of absolute panic. Alright, that is a response i am completely capable of providing. Step 1 accomplished. He almost always asks me the same question, or a similar one such as why do i want to do this. I know i told him something that unsettled him. On a list of 10 reasons as to why i would want to do a drowning scene, 1-8 "i want to do this for you". 9 was because i was curious about it and 10 was because the fear turned me on. I also let him know these 10 reasons were not weighed equally. He does have the privilege to have me agree to do a lot of things i may not do with others, that comes from spending years building trust and picking the pieces back up when we're done playing with them. My deep rooted want to please my partners also has a lot to do with it. I knew he wanted to do a scene like this, after all, we'd been talking about it for long enough, and that kind of submission fuels a lot what i do. 

Another question i asked him off the cuff while we were doing precare was "will drowning me turn you on?" And to my shock the answer was no. This type of play doesn't take him to a place where he feels sexual. Ok, we talked through it some more and i finally understood it is more of a serial killer/cold mindset. He wants a victim and wants that victim to suffer. I like suffering, it's a big thing for me. There was never a point where i ever thought i would get anything even remotely sexual out of this scene. This was something i would do, for him, to suffer and work through and try something new and scary.  

I wasn't even out of the tub, he hadn't even let go of me after we ended the scene when i told him i wanted him to drown me again. Not tonight, not now, but in another scene entirely. During the scene i loathed myself for how absolutely turned on i was. THAT was the thing that fucked me up the most, how much the scene turned me on. 

Knowing what i know about myself and how i play, it really does make a lot of sense. Drowning is ALL about face stuff. Face touching, holding, breath play, violence, intimacy, etc. All of them relate back to my core set of kinks. When we first discussed the scene, i knew i would either love it or hate it (and then add it back to my hard limits list). Drowning the way we did it is extremely intimate. There is a lot of body contact, and i personally find face touching to be more intimate than kissing, or possibly even sex. 

I knew i would need a lot of aftercare. I'm a very touch sensitive person, and for me, the person i'm playing with has to be the person who does my aftercare. I can modify this on a scene by scene basis for certain people, but a good 98% of the time, you break it, you fix it. I asked him for overnight physical aftercare and we made the arrangements. I did have a thought in the back of my mind that i may wake up with some kind of night terror, but it was fleeting. I knew i wouldn't sleep well, and i wanted him there when i woke up. I was very very worried that the scene would put me in a bad place. I know i'd eventually make it out of it, but having a grounding force around who understood what i went through would make the process a lot easier and i was right.

It took me over a day to figure out why i was so bothered by everything. I had to acknowledge that i like, enjoy and am turned on by a number of fucked up things, things that at one point were hard limits for me. Things that are hard limits for a lot of my other partners. USUALLY i can work myself over the hump. This scene wasn't the first time i had had thoughts like that. CNC has triggered this type of thinking before, so has degradation. This time however, i really needed his help to get out of the negative/scared mindset. We chatted a lot, by phone or text and that was very helpful. Eventually we'd make a breakthrough on why i was feeling a certain way, or he'd give the validation to feel the way i did. Sometimes i just need to hear (from someone else) "It's ok if you like this really messed up shit, it works for us and we're going about it the right way." 

Eventually we came to the realization that i LIKE being the victim, i LIKE being prey, and THAT was why the scene took me to the place it did. Once i was able to accept that, i became much more comfortable with the whole situation. That was the turning point from the sneaky hate spiral to a level of comfortable albeit reserved acceptance. 

Hello, my name is indey and i like REALLY fucked up shit, lets get weird. 

---


I am very happy to talk about this experience as a whole if you have any questions, please comment or email me. :) 

Friday, February 21, 2014

DOWF14 II : Deep Breath

Trigger warning: drowning, blood, ..fuck a lot of blood, and needles.

This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene. 

Sunday.

I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down.  My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." 'I do' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in the home happen in the bathroom and traumatic brain injuries are on both of our hard limits lists...I'm going to get in the tub and i'm going to do it willingly and i'm not going to hurt anyone. My phone buzzes again; "You can stop the drowning at any point and it will start slow and not violent. You'll be ok and I will not be disappointed if the scene doesn't go as planned." ...As planned. He actually has a plan? He's usually more in line with the "Do I look like a man with a plan?" to you level of planning. I only have one plan "don't die. Simple, one step, easy to remember. Don't die.

I know today is going to be tough. Of course we have the drowning planned, but we've also got two separate blood play scenes as well. One for him, with his blood and one for me, with mine. And THEN the drowning. How am i going to live? I text him "You're not going to kill me, right?" he texts back, for the 30th time "I'm not going to kill you. You'll be fine." Fine.. Everyone keeps telling me that i'll be fine. I don't really believe them. I speak to a few people about what is going on; @BalarianEsq, @MurphyBlue, @_Spiral_, @CurtisMercury, @lizardlappy, Daddy... A few other people. They all said the same thing "you'll be fine." I know the face i gave them, because it was the same face every time. I don't believe you, it says.

I send him another message "Do you think you've got time to see me before the scene tonight?" I need some precare. It's early in the morning and our scene set won't start until 8pm. I don't know if i can go that long.. I mean, i can, if i have to, but it'll be difficult. Precare is different than warm up. I've needed precare for scenes before, like the live burial and the first rape/CNC (consensual non-consent) scene we had. It's aftercare, but before a scene, or aftercare solely for my anxiety. Believe it or not i am a very anxious person. I generally do a good job of keeping it under control and managing it and have become a decent fear tamer over the years. But not today. Today isn't the day for that. I keep it in check enough to function mostly as normal. The one thing i couldn't override was my appetite loss. If i'm anxious, i absolutely lose my will to consume food. Which is terrible, because i absolutely love food, and it's sort of important if you want to do something later. "Yes, meet me in the lobby at 1:30, I'll make time."

I follow @Bettie_Rage to the Corner Bakery to get some breakfast. Stay hydrated. Eat. I have instructions. I get a salad, they were out of eggs. Bacon would have been better, but i figure healthier food is better. The salad tastes good. I meet some nifty new people and generally enjoy myself and forget about how i feel. I find @CurtisMercury and we browse vending for a while. I'd wanted to get myself either another chest harness or a set of suspenders. Suspenders are an important part of my imagined boy getup. I'm nervous, but i try to push it out of my mind. I'd taken a shower earlier in the morning and didn't hate the tub yet. I wonder if he'll make me hate the bathtub.

@CurtisMercury does a fantastic job of calming me down and distracting me. I haven't seen him in a while and it's nice to catch up. We browse vending and eventually end up at Leather By Danny. I've spoken to Danny at least half a dozen times, he always has time for me when i want to ask him about something product related, plus i love his work. We go over a set of custom suspenders, made in a more masculine cut. I'm in love. I put them on and prance around in all my queer gender fuckery. Eventually 1:30 rolls around, @CurtisMercury has somewhere to be and so do i. I make my way down to the lobby and meet up with my sadist. I stare at myself in the mirrored panel of the elevator as i ride it down.

I'm apprehensive about approaching him. "When was the last time you ate?" "Around 8, for breakfast." "Come on, lets get some lunch." "Ok." We go over to Quiznos and he buys me lunch. When i protest to pay for my own sandwich he looks me in the eye and says "I'm going to drown you later, the least you can do is let me buy you lunch." I stop arguing and take my sandwich. We go down into the dungeon level to find a comfy place to sit and eat. I'm still not hungry. We sit and chat and cuddle. I slowly ease myself into forgetting my imminent doom. I'm laughing. That's usually a good sign. I try to eat some of my sandwich.

2:30 rolls around, he's going to a class and i need to find a way to occupy myself. My brain is racing. I don't think i should be alone. I look into the classroom across from the futon i was seated on and see it's @M0co and @Beemo's "Frogs, Hogs and Shrimps" class on floor related rope work. I'm in no mood to be tied, but being around friends would be beneficial.  I find @Daria4 in the room as well. We partner up since the class requires partners, then we sit against the wall and watch everyone else tie. @Beemo feeds me a chip and pets me and tells me i'm a good puppy.

The class slot ends and i'm still looking for something to do. I know i shouldn't be alone. @Mister_Sean's interrogation class is scheduled next door. It's a difficult class to sit though, and i know because i've attended it before, but i don't think it will be an issue. I know what's coming and feel i'm prepared.  I meet up with @lizardhappy and we sit together. @Mister_Sean gives me a shout out for one of his rules and i forget my anxiety and fangirl out for a moment. It feels good. @Tigerlilly_Purrs is the demo bottom. She suffers beautifully. I've let my sadist push me as far as needing aftercare for a class, but that is nothing compared to this. I'm sitting literally in the splash zone, but my own anguish is forgotten watching her. I eat my sandwich. Then, at the end of the class, @Mister_Sean starts taking volunteers for water boarding. Excuse me, water boarding? This wasn't part of the class last time i sat in ...Sadist had mentioned his interest in doing that to me at some future time as well. Several times. You've got to be kidding me. I look at @lizardhappy "...i should leave" but i don't. Because i'm incapable of making a good decision for myself. I watch at least 5 people get water boarded. It doesn't seem so bad from the outside. I wonder what its like under the cloth. I bet it's awful.

I leave the class worried. I should find people. I wander over to the boot blacking station and muse around for a moment. I'd like my suspenders conditioned. While i'm waiting for my turn i wander upstairs to the lobby and spot @IrisEnchanted @CurtisMercury and @MurphyBlue sitting around the couches. I take a seat on the floor and ask @CurtisMercury if i can put my head on his knee. He puts his boot on my thigh and i relax, sort of puppying out. @Irisenchanted shows me her new toy. It's a lollypop. Eventually i go back downstairs and get my suspenders conditioned and hang out with Daddy , @CupcakeNarcotic @DragonEmrys and @TheFingerbangKid for a little while. Sadist texts me and tells me to meet him in the lobby in 20 minutes.

I owe Daddy a drink so we go upstairs to the bar. He gets a gin and tonic and we chill out. "You'll be fine Babydoll, text me when you're done so I know you're alright?" I nod "Yes Daddy.. I'll text you." I'm not making eye contact with him. I'm constantly looking around the bar, sadist might sneak up on me to scare me.  I see him and one of his other play partners, @Bedsquid coming and feel an unsettling combination of relief and anxiety. We aren't doing the drowning first, i tell myself. A few times, it sort of starts to settle in. We get to do blood play. And some of it will be his blood. We've never done blood play with blood from him before, it's always been mine. He had a few ideas for a photos and i was all to happy to oblige him on them. I'll always use my skills for a combination of sexy evil.  "How are you doing?" I don't look at him. He picks up my chin and gives me a hug. "You'll be fine." Fine. That word... I don't even know what to do with it anymore. Fine has become this term in an alien language i no longer understand. A language in a world where no one is trying to drown me in a bathtub. That world no longer exists.

"I need to grab dinner. Would you like to join @Bedsquid and I?" I nod my head. I'm not hungry at all, my appetite has been gone for hours but being around him is comforting. @Bedsquid gives me a hug and looks at me like i'm doomed. I am doomed. She thanks me for being his partner, at least there is someone else to get subjected to his horrible ideas. I'd asked him if he'd ever drowned anyone before, no, i get to be the first one.

We end up back at the Corner Bakery and grab food. Not long after, sadist and i start making our way over to my hotel room. I'm trying to calm down. We get in the room and start prepping for the first image we planned on. I'd wanted to redo an old avatar shot of mine, it doesn't take much time at all. We laugh a lot, i have him act as a stand in model so i can mess with the camera settings. Sadist isn't a photographer but he does shoot me a lot and does a good job. Those pictures are fantastic but i don't think they'll ever see the light of day beyond my eyes.

I'm so turned on, and so scared. He comes over to me and we sit on the bed. I'm worried about where i'll be when we're done. I'm absolutely convinced that i will be in a bad place, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm worried i won't be able to be sexual when at that point either. He has a great track record for having me explore things i'm terrified of that i really end up liking. I'm either going to like drowning, or i'm going to be putting it back  on my hard limits list, the one he actually mostly listens to, or something.

Now, for his blood play scene. He wanted a few shots of blood dripping out of his mouth. "You can stick me if you'd like" we're set up and ready to go, with a clean area a dirty area and plenty of chux. "No, i'd rather watch you stick yourself." I get a weird kind of sick pleasure at watching him cause himself pain. I'll take what i can get, after all, it's going to get bad for me later. I glove up and help supply him. I watch the needle piece the skin on his left arm and the blood flow into the bag. There's a pretty good amount of it. He pumps his fist and i take off the tourniquet. After a moment or two the blood flow starts to slow down and i grab him a piece of gauze. He has me grab his set of vampire teeth. "My life partner thought it would be hot if it's sort of a vampire related shoot." You know what, that works, a lot. Let's do it!" He puts on the sharp false canines.

I re-glove and grab a coffee stirrer out of a packet for him to use as a straw. Once he has everything i remove my gloves and grab the camera. I'm trying to stay in work mode as i watch him take the first sip of his own blood. Fuck that's hot. "It's still warm." I wonder what it would be like to kiss with a mouth full of blood. I bat the thought away. Shoot damnit. If we don't hurry it'll coagulate. I watch his eyes roll back as he takes another measure, this time letting some of it drip down his mouth and down his chest. My pussy is wet again. Fuck can i really be turned on? He's about to stick needles in me and then drown me. "All i can smell is pussy.." i look at him, pretty ashamed. He smiles. We progress with a few more pictures and eventually i put the camera down. He hops in the shower and cleans off and we review the images. They are hot.

I'm anxious again. He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I'm scared and turned on again. I pull the mental image of him blissing out with a mouth full of blood. All i smell is pussy. Does this thing ever turn off? The energy is intense. I'm going to get needles shoved in my skin and drowned in a tub. Why am i turned on? What is even going on here. I let go of the negativity and bite on him a little. I need something; contact, sex, something. We wrestle around a little, naked. It's hot. He tells me what a worthless whore i am while he uses me and i love it.

I lay down on top of a chuk on the bed, floating from an orgasm. We decide on 18gauge, since i'm clearly not paying attention. "What do you think, 10?" "10 18s? I don't know if i can take that, can we go until i say stop?" "No. Give me a number." "8. 8 needles." There's your number. He grabs the skin on my chest above my right breast quite high. I wince. The area has been prepped, he can stick me whenever he feels like it. I don't want to watch the needles, the angle i have to hold my head at is uncomfortable. I breathe though the insertion as he slides the first one into my skin. He almost always triple sticks the needles and buries the tip in me. Every poke the needle gets duller and it hurts more and more. By the fourth needle i'm a crying mess. There are four more needles. Six go in horizontally. The next four go in, somehow. He grabs the other two to make it the original ten. I cower away, whimpering. "Where do you think you're going?" I stop moving around. He slides the second to last needle in vertically under the others. I'm sobbing. The pain is intense. Normally we play with much smaller needles, 25g, 22g. The puts the 10th needle in and i need a moment.

"Can you sit up?" "I think so.." I'm not looking forward to trying. I know the needles will shift and i'll be in more pain. I can already feel the endorphins flooding my system. I feel floaty. I struggle to sit up and he helps me off the bed. We walk to the bathroom and he sits me down in the tub. I sit down facing him, shoulders slouched, looking up at him and then down at the needles. I see the tips of the vertical ones have slid back under my skin, they were exposed before i got up. Fuck. He grabs the hub of one of the vertical ones and pulls one out. It hurts. He removes the second one. "Now the fun can begin." I look up at him. He told me he found out an even more painful way to remove needles. I know what's coming. I'm so worked up when he grabs the next hub that i flinch roughly backwards and rip the needle out of myself. I yell and he laughs. "That sucked, didn't it? And I didn't even do it!" My vision is red. I huddle down in the tub, blood starts dripping down my chest. It's warm. I work my way though the pain and he grabs another hub and twists it out of me. A good number of the rest of the needles are removed in this same rough manor. I'm crying. My tears are mixing with my own blood on the floor of the bathroom, that's hot, i think to myself. I'm turned on. There are points i relish in the pain. I know i was smiling and laughing at some point, the rush was incredible. I want him to use me but that isn't the next thing on the list and the order of operations is very important. The next needle, the last needle he begins to slide out, and every time he pulls the tip back into my skin he moves it down a few millimeters and pushes it back through. It's agony. The tip gets duller each time. He does it at least four times before removing the needle entirely and sticking it in our sharps bin. They're all out. More blood drips down my chest onto my breasts and thighs. I like the way it feels.

He sits here with me, watching me bleed and we mutually enjoy the blood. Eventually it dries and coagulates. "Time to get cleaned up?" "I look up at him. I can stay here, in this cold empty tub. That's fine. Because if the tub is dry than he can't drown me in it. Flawless logic. "Come on." He helps me up and goes to turn on the shower. "PLEASE NOT COLD!" i grab his wrist with my left hand as he goes to turn on the water. He looks down at my hand "There had better not be blood on your palm." I release my grip immediately. Luckily earlier in the scene i had checked both my palms for blood to see if it was safe for me to touch anything. I was fine but in the moment i completely forgot. After my panic i show him my clean palm. He loves making me go into shock, and uses cold showers on me often. I don't think i can handle it right now. I whimper. "The water will be warm, here, you can control the temperature." I make the water as hot as i can stand it and clean off the blood. I call him back in to check me and make sure i'm clean and have stopped bleeding. He goes out to prep something and i stand staring at the shower knob knowing bad things will happen when i shut off the water.

I struggle to gain the nerve to turn off the water. I can feel myself tearing up. I think it took about five minutes to work up the nerve. I need to shut it off. He's going to drown me. I need to turn off the water. I watch my hand reach out and shut off the water. It's like something else is controlling it. The air stays warm for a little while. I don't move to get out of the shower. I told him i wouldn't fight him to get in the tub and if i'm already in it, well... That's half the battle isn't it? I'm facing outside. He comes back into the bathroom and looks at me. "How are you doing?" I don't say anything, or if i do i don't remember. He goes to turn on the water and makes it warm, but he doesn't turn on the shower or stop up the tub. I watch the water start to slowly fill the bottom of the tub. I cower away from him. He reaches out and puts his hands on either side of my face, letting me lean against him. He looks into my eyes watching for the panic. I hate how turned on i am. The tub seems to take an eternity to fill. I'm staring at the water, wide eyed. It's clear and warm and rising on my ankles.

"Sit down." The instruction is clear and simple. I shake my head no. I don't want to. "You can sit down, and do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." I whimper. I know what the hard way is. It involves ice. "Please don't..Please.." I'm not fighting the panic anymore. The time for that is done. He's naked. I know he's getting in the tub with me. That was something i'd asked for. Having him be close to me would make it easier for me to deal with what was going to happen. "Sit down." He looks me in the eye and my knees buckle. I sit down in the tub. I'm shaking. It's cold but the water is warm and soothing. The water is still running but the sound is peaceful and calming. He instructs me to lay down with my head towards the back of the tub. "Don't hit your foot on the faucet if you start struggling around. That will fucking suck." I make a mental note of it. I don't need a broken toe. I mentally acknowledge the irony of the man who is about to drown me telling me to be careful. I shake my head.

He has me lay back and i comply. I'm afraid, but not as terrified as i think i should be. He climbs into the tub with me and straddles me. His legs on either side of my hips. I'm propped up on my elbows to keep myself out of the water. My cheek is against his leg. I'm still shaking. He takes his hands and moves my face away from his leg. "Are you ready?" "Nn..n...no." I'm not ready, i don't know if i'll ever be ready. "We're going to start slow, remember?" I vaguely recall the conversation.. "10 seconds. You can hold your breath for 10 seconds, I know you can. Take a deep breath. Count in your head." I'm not ready when he covers my mouth with his hand and pinches my nose with the other. I struggle and sputter and waters gets up my nose, i rush back up for air. More shaking. "Let's try again. Let me know when you're ready." I take a moment to breathe and take a deep breath. He pushes my face under. The water comes up over my face and nose and the world goes quiet, just like he said. The water is warm. The filling of the tub is a low din in the background. I open my eyes under water and look up at him. I have no idea what he sees, i lost count at 3. He lets me up easily and i take another breath.

"20 seconds." That's too many. "15?" "20." "15.." "How about 17?" "15." I'm pretty adamant. "Alright, 15 seconds. Take a deep breath." I feel his hands back over my nose and mouth and i go under again. I grip his forearms with my hands but i don't struggle much. I can't count, i just wait for him to let me back up, and he does. We keep going through 25 seconds. He had turned off the water, the tub slowly drains but i know we aren't done. The going slowly part is over. He pulls me back up and tells me to take a deep breath. I don't even get a word in before he plunges me back down. There is no counting, there is no known time i've got to be down there. I struggle against him, i want to breathe. I barely miss his face with a flailing hand. I look up at him from under the water. The water burns my eyes.. DC has really chlorinated water i think. I blink. I'm back under. The time between each dunk is shrinking. I barely have any time to let the water run off my face and nose so i don't aspirate or inhale it while taking the next breath. I swallow some.

He turns the water back on, this time it's cool. I don't like it. He can't cover my face effectively with the water level where it is at. I feel the temperature change from my legs and ass work up my body, it never really gets to my face. I'm pleased that he's sitting in the cold water with me. Suffer, asshole. I think. He isn't suffering. He takes cold showers because he likes them. I conveniently forget about that.

I don't know how many times he shoved me under. I barely remember speaking at all. The whole scene becomes a blur of muffled noise, wetness and air. I'm so turned on and i hate it. I loathe myself, feeling this way. I love the way my body feels as it struggles against his. Like an anchor sitting on top of me. I absolutely can not throw him in this position, and i wouldn't try. Maybe that is why my mind went there, to a place where it was OK to be sexual. He checks in on me periodically. I see his face, cold and calculating looking down at me, blurry from under the water when i do happen to open my eyes and look up. I wonder what he is thinking. I know this isn't sexual for him. We've called it 'serial killer' play.

At some point i mistime my breathing and water rushes into my mouth, thankfully only my mouth. One of the few pieces of advice i had received prior to ...agreeing to do this was do NOT breathe in through your nose. I cough and sputter getting just enough air and he shoves me under again. After that, he lets me back up and looks into my eyes. "Have you had enough?" "Yes" speaking is difficult. I'm in a weird place. The tub is still draining. I can't remember him getting off me but eventually he pulls me out of the water and the tub and dries me off. I'm shaking. Once i'm mostly dry he takes me back over to the bed where i collapse against him and cry.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

DOWF14 I : Complicated

TRIGGER WARNING: uh.. degradation, name calling, electricity, blood and drowning.

Guys this is long, you may want to bookmark and come back a time or two. Normally what i write isn't this long, but there is a lot of stuff here that i went through and had to work through and just a lot of fun. I'm not breaking it up into parts because most of you want to read about the drowning, and there is a lot more to that than just me, my sadist and a tub of water.

My usual post event warning: some things may not be in exact order, or of someone said something to me, i may paraphrase. I don't do it on purpose i just need to pull information the way my brain remembers.

I found out a lot of new things about myself at this event and feel so... Pleased with myself, honestly. I was having a really hard time with a lot of public events for a while, and even though i never played in the dungeon (unless you count @CaptainTrigger conditioning my suspenders just beyond the curtain to the dungeon because no 'female' boobies out in the bootblack area (...?), i still had an incredible time. Maybe they can move the bootblack station to inside one of the dungeons because i like to be naked while getting my leather worked on, damnit, or at least top naked. I would much rather have soap, polish and conditioner on my skin than my clothes. One of those things is easier to clean than the other.

I really got to explore dressing more boyish, although that wasn't really much different than how i normally dress. But i felt different, more confident (mostly) and with a higher level of self acceptance. I'm female, i identify as female, i love having boobs and a vagina and i love getting fucked, but i love genderfuckery. It pleases me when people ask me about my pronouns or assume i'm queer. I'm debating my straight label as of late (again, i know, shocker). I think the way i see a lot of people and possibilities is changing. The straight label makes a lot of sense, but i don't really want to force myself into that box. I'd like to let things happen. Pansexual doesn't work for me, because i feel it's dishonest, but i couldn't tell you why. I am absolutely not bisexual. I wouldn't even say heteroflexible. They're too gender limiting (to me).

Here is my.. probably not short write up on a lot of stuff:

Friday:
Daddy dropped me off around 12:30 to get registered and go to my class. I taught "Successful Polyamory" at 2:30 and had to be there On Time. On the way in i found a @MurphyBlue and a ton of other people and had many warm hellos. I also found my sadist, his life partner and her Sir. I sat down and chatted with them for a bit and eventually made my way up to registration. After registration i made my way back down to them and hung out waited for my class to start. I haven't seen my sadist since New Years Eve so we catch up a little bit and he hurts me and i love it. I float down to class once it reaches 2:20.

This is my first time presenting for Dark Odyssey. I've done a lot of classes in the past year, but DO is currently the largest organization i've ever presented for and it's been a pipe dream for a while. Thank you to everyone who gave a good word in for me at programing (if you did). You've made something i've wanted for a long time come true and i could not be more grateful for the opportunity.

Successful Polyamory was an absolute hit. I had a marker and a paper tablet, we made a venn diagram, it was great. The class energy was amazing and at some point the class was filled to standing room only. I know we had fewer class slots on Friday than on the weekend days, but it always floors me that people actually come to my classes. I try to be pretty loud and interesting and funny when i teach, laughter tends to disarm people and relax them, but inside my head i'm a giddy idiot going "omg, they're gonna listen to me talk for like..ever.. and they want to be here because surely i'm not making anyone come to my classes... THIS IS NUTS. LOOK AT THE ABSURDITY. WATCH ME DANCE." I was able to teach a lot of people a lot of things. To those of you who stayed after to talk to me, thank you. Your words of encouragement or your questions about your personal lives are invaluable. I only hope i was also able to help. (Side note: to anyone that was in my class, i didn't realize i had surveys until quite a few people had left. If you would like to let programming know how my class was and please be honest, please check out this post https://fetlife.com/groups/756/group_posts/5028808 or email winter@darkodyssey.com). If you have any questions or constructive criticism for me regarding the class, my email is eroticwetatomic@gmail.com.

I come out of my class and see my sadist getting his boots blacked by @PoeticDesires. I felt my legs close for a second. We have a scene planned for later in the evening that involves those boots. I'm excited. We chat for a few minutes and he pulls me under the stairs and forces me down on my hands and knees and looks down at me. When i don't get the message fast enough he grabs the back of my neck and shoves my lips against the toe of his right boot. I press my nose and mouth against the leather and inhale. That breath goes straight from my lungs to my pussy. This is going to be a good night. I run my tongue across the toe of his boot and relish in it for a second. He moves my face to the other boot. He still has some things to do before out scene so i run off to find Daddy and @Liberteeny because i'm starving and haven't seen Daddy since that morning and i haven't seen Liberteeny at all yet. We eat some delicious sandwiches and chill out. Check out the Frankenfoot Silent Auction and make our way up to vending.

I get a text from my sadist telling me to meet him in the lobby. It's 9pm and i am so excited. He has his toybag and we walk over to the hotel i'm staying at. I've been getting really into degradation lately. He has enthusiastically helped me with this (..and most of) my other kinks. I'm not sure where the idea originally came from, but we'd managed to put together a scene that involved a lot of degradation, humiliation and boot play. Something a little physically easier, since we had a lot of heavier stuff planned for later in the weekend.

"Strip down to your underwear." I comply, removing all my clothes except the panties i've been wearing all day. They are grey hanes briefs. The crotch is, and has been soaked all day. I can feel the cool air between my legs. I'm standing, that isn't what he wants. "On your knees, get your cunt on my boot." He sticks out one of his boots for me to sit on. He says a few other horrible wonderful things and i feel myself getting wetter. I grind my pussy into his boot. In the midst of enjoying myself he grabs me roughly by the neck and moves me off of the boot. My face is suddenly on the toe, it's warm.. from me. I sniff and all i smell is pussy. "Think you soaked through your panties yet?" "Yes." "Good, now lick it off." I enthusiastically go about my task. Getting lost in it. Before i know it, he yanks me back up. "Lose your underwear." Off they go. I'm not arguing or fighting with him about it. "

Sit there and pleasure yourself on my boot. It's all you're going to get, it's all you deserve. You know you're just a worthless piece of meat for me to use, right?" I nod my head yes. "Good." He slaps me across my left cheek, it stings and i flinch. "Open your fucking mouth." He shoves his dick into my mouth, at least being sort of nice so i don't gag on the condom. I feel the boot get slicker beneath me as he uses me. "Get down there and clean your mess off, if I find one drop of cunt juice on these when you're done, I'll beat your worthless ass until you can't sit down." I go about my duty, relishing in it. I turn my eyes to the side and look up at him, maybe for a cue, or information or praise, i don't remember. I feel searing pain on my upper back. He slapped me. I yell, stopping my work. He slaps me again. And again. "Did I tell you to look at me?" I blubber a no through crying, tears and snot are getting on my thighs. I feel dirty. "Get back to fucking work!" I rush my face to the closer boot to avoid getting slapped again.

He takes the back of my neck and forces my face against the wet surface of his boot. "Do you like that? Do you like cleaning boots with your filthy mouth? You'd better. Because that's what you're doing now." I finish cleaning, and when i know they're spotless i still don't stop. I continue, my tongue hurts. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My face hurts. "If I pick up these boots, will there be any cunt juice left?" "No, they're clean." I'm confident in my response but my words don't come out that way. "If they aren't, I'm getting out the wrench." I whimper. Worried that he might get it out anyway.. it isn't like he needs a reason. If he wants to beat me with it, he's going to do it. Worthless pieces of meat don't get opinions on such matters. They get fucked, brutalized and used.

He inspects his boot in the dim light of the room. I'm still on my knees, cowering. Looking anywhere but at him. I don't know if i can make eye contact and i'm certainly not going to ask about it. "Good job. You've done a very good job." Relief floods through me. He's pleased. I did good. "Get on the bed." I scramble onto the bed. He gets on top of me. "Do you want to get fucked?" "Yes, please" i answer. Wrong answer. He slaps me in the face again. "WRONG. Fuckholes don't get to choose what they want. They get USED. I'll ask you again. Do you want to get fucked?" I'm crying again. I'm pretty sure i had stopped at some point. "I'll get fucked if you want to fuck me." "Good answer." I'm shaking. He grabs my face and turns my head and whispers in my ear "You have been pretty good, maybe I'll use your filthy cunt too. But I do think I'll fuck your ass. Go get your large njoy plug." I struggle to sit up. I grab my plug and the lube. I'm having a hard time holding the plug. I've never put this one in on a bed, let alone in front of anyone. What if i can't get it in? I line it up and begin to slide it in. I've never gotten that plug in faster. I think it took about 50 seconds. I moan as it slides into place, giving my body a moment to get used to the sensation. I was leaning up, with my back to him. I move to face him. He grabs my hips and lays me out and gets on top of me... After using that hole to his content he tells me to take out the plug. "Can i go to the bathroom and remove it?" There's a lot going on, i've never taken out a plug in front of someone and absolutely not during a scene. He gives me the ok and i toddle off to the bathroom. I remove the plug, take a piss and get some water. I come back to him and get back on the bed. We'd negotiated anal penetration as not being part of a scene, but just actually trying it out. I could stop the act if i needed to with no consequence because anal sex is pretty new to me. Eventually i did go into sensory overload and we had to stop. I do look forward to trying it again though. We continue on the scene as before and eventually fall into aftercare and a shower.

I spend the rest of the night relaxing and reading and falling asleep.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Njoy Pure Plug Review

Njoy Pure Plugs (Left bottom: Large, top: Medium, Right bottom: Small) 

I am absolutely in love with Njoys line of products. Generally you only buy one buttplug, but if you're me well then you buy all three. I'm someone who really was not into any anal penetration up until very recently. My sadist told me that he wanted to rape me in the ass. I didn't red on this plan, because, honestly, the idea is sort of appealing, and if he wanted to push my envelope on anal sex i would be ok with that. He's gotten me to like way more fucked up things so i thought anal might be a pretty low bar for him to get me to clear. (More on that later).

This graphic shows the specifications for each plug. Honestly, in person the differences in size are even more apparent.


The small is very very manageable. I needed no warmup to get it in, just lube. The medium i originally bought before the small, but had such a tough time getting it in that i figured something wasn't right. Eventually, after a week of wearing the small, i was able to get the medium in without too much of an issue. The large i received in the mail yesterday and tried it out after wearing the medium for about 10 days. It was a BIG difference, but i was able to get the large in after taking my time and using my hitachi and just generally relaxing. There are the three pure sizes, then there is the p-fun plug made for prostate play and the 2.0 XL, which is even bigger than the large! It is nuts. I don't own a 2.0 as of this time. 

Njoy plugs are made out of a single piece of solid steel. They have a fantastic weight to them. It may seem a little off putting, but honestly, the weight helps you remember it is there, which is important because sometimes butt plugs can go places if you sneeze. These guys, at least on me, stay put. I can sneeze, cough, orgasm, and a ton of other things with them in. Because of what they are made of, you can throw them in the dishwasher to clean them., although hot water and soap work just fine.  They are completely smooth and work with every kind of lube i've tried (water based, hybrid and silicon). The handle of the plug makes for easy insertion and you can attach stuff to the hole or tie stuff to it. I attach fox tails to it for puppy play. You don't have to worry about getting lube on your tails this way, unlike tails that are permanently attached to plugs. 

The Njoys are made for long term wear. You can keep them in for as long as feels comfortable. For me that's usually 3.5-4 hours at a shot. If you rotate them, you may be able to extend your wear. Some people sleep with them in, but i have not tried that yet. I usually wear mine at work a little and going home, or at home before bed. 

The only real con that i have is the packaging. The box is black with a form fitting pink satin section inside to hold the plug safely. It's beautiful, but not very transportable. Since i carry a plug with me 24/7 in my purse, that packaging doesn't work for me. It's too obvious and bulky. I keep the plug i've got in a little drawstring cloth jewelry bag. 

They are a little pricy, but you don' ever have to pay full retail for them, someone somewhere is usually having a sale of some kind. I know that Liberator has them and usually has a sale going on, but i have found better prices by hunting around Amazon and other retailers.  

Please don't drop your plug. If you drop it on concrete you  may need to buff out any scratches as to not hurt your ass if you go to insert it. 

Usability: 10/10
Size: 10/10
Cleanliness: 10/10
Wow factor: 10/10
Price: 8/10 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Butt Update Week 2/1-2/7

Saurday: No butt stuff. Too busy running around at Tiny Terrors.
Sunday: Attempted: Glass plug and anal sex (with Daddy). Was not successful in either venture. Tried some finger play with Daddy, also not good. I really hate being penetrated by fingers sometimes. Did wear Njoy medium for 4.5 hours. Ordered Njoy large off of Amazon.com. PIV sex with Daddy with Njoy medium in as well.
Monday: plug free day
Tuesday: Njoy med 3.5 hours
Wednesday: Njoy med 3.5 hours
Thursday: plug free day
Friday: Cigars, Njoy med 2.0 hours

Sunday, February 9, 2014

DOWF 2014

5 days away. Can not fucking wait! Come see me, i'm teaching two classes;
Successful Polyamory: Having your Cake & Eating it too - Friday 2:30
Pet Play: Do it like an Animal - Saturday 11:30

Monday, February 3, 2014

Nothing like a little blood play before work...

[Accidentally!] cut myself shaving. ...Not sorry at all. I'm not into self-cutting but if i happen to be clumsy and make myself bleed i'll enjoy it.


Saturday, February 1, 2014

Butt Update Week 1/25-1/31

  • Saturday: Njoy medium - 2 hours. Got hair cut, gasoline and food with plug in. 
  • Sunday: Njoy medium - 1.6 hours + 3.0 hours. 
  • Monday: plug free day. 
  • Tuesday: plug free day. 
  • Wednesday: Njoy medium - 4 hours. Work, car, Fedex. 
  • Thursday: Njoy medium - 2.15 hours. Work, car. 
  • Friday: Njoy medium - 4 hours at Indecent Enterprises. Naked sushi, play, socializing. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Butt Update Week Jan 18-25

So, Daddy wanted me to write down my anal training stuff and i am super happy to do that.

  • Saturday:  Njoy small -  2.5 hours . PIV sex with plug. 
  • Sunday: Njoy small - 2.5 hours . PIV sex with plug. 
  • Monday: Njoy small - 2.0 hours 
  • Tuesday: Njoy small -3 hours . PIV sex with plug. 
  • Wednesday: no plug wear 
  • Thursday: Njoy small - 2.5 hours 
  • Friday: Njoy medium - 2.5 hours . PIV sex with plug. 


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Let's talk about my ass...

It's gonna get fucked, i don't *really* have a choice*. And it isn't just going to get fucked, it's going to get raped. Or something. I don't know. All i know is i want to make this experience as easy as possible. Considering the last time i had something in my butt that wasn't my plug was probably 2011, i'm out of practice.

Things i know:
* Lube
* Lube
* Lube
* Patience
* Lube
* Relax
* Lube
* oh and lube.
* maybe more lube
* enema?
* lube
* also, lube

The 12-15 times i've tried to have buttsex the way 'you're supposed' to has always been fucking uncomfortable. My ass doesn't stretch, or i'm not doing it right. Forplay - check. Relaxed-check. Sometimes alcohol (on my end) - check. Butplug - check. I have TWO buttplugs in two different sizes! One that takes me 30 minutes to get in. It's an NJOY MEDIUM. It isn't like im trying to stuff the [Great American Challenge][http://www.amazon.com/Doc-Johnson-Great-American-Challenge/dp/B002E9I0F2] up there.

Butt Avengers, help.

*this is my dynamic and i do not plan on redding out of it.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Liberator Decor Fascinator Throe Review

I bought the espresso color throw as a christmas present for me, and Daddy and whoever else really wants to use it. I'm not a crazy squirter but some of Daddies partners are and i was sick and tired of my towels all disappearing and having to be washed all the time.

I had a few options when looking for waterproof blankets, but a lot of the other ones i saw seemed to be marketed towards incontinent pets... Nothing says 'fuck me' like Rufus' inability to control his bladder. They were at a lower price point but i really wanted something i would be happy to keep on our bed.

Liberator at least packs their stuff pretty discreetly on the outer box. I opened the box at work since i was so excited to get it, luckily my coworkers didn't see. The labeling on the package isn't super safe for work.

What's it look like? The espresso color is brown or chocolate. The fascinator throe has two sides, which is one of the reasons i settled on this particular type. ( Liberator does have another throe, the "lush throe" which is different). There is a 'velvish' side which is like a very short pile fabric and there is a smooth satin side which is cooler.  In-between the two sides is a sewn in liquid absorbing layer.

The blanket is FANTASTIC. I've used it a dozen times, Daddy has used it a handful of times as well. Neither of us or our partners have been able to soak through it. It really does work like a giant chuck and is way sexier than getting chuck/paper towel bits stuck to your crotch. This thing won't stick to you.

This throw is MACHINE WASHABLE. The only real drawback has to do with washing, but honestly it comes with the territory. I'd highly recommend washing and drying this thing by itself. The directions state to tumble dry on low. You can do that if you feel like running your dryer for the next 6 hours, or you can put it in once on regular and it'll dry. It does bunch up when drying so if you want to speed up the process pull it out of the dryer mid cycle and un-bunch it. I've dried it on high 15+ times and have noticed no ill effects.

It is certainly thicker than a regular throw of the same size (say a microfiber blanket or something) but it's got a lot more on the inside. I haven't found transporting it to partners homes or events an issue at all.

All in all, i fucking love the thing.  They are usually on sale, or you can get a coupon code. http://www.liberator.com/decor-fascinator-throe.html

Usability: 10/10
Size: 10/10
Cleanliness: 10/10
Wow factor: 10/10

Perfect rating, look at that! 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I too can do this thing that other people do all the time. ...Maybe.

So.. Winter Fire is coming up. I'm purposefully not planning much other than my classes and maybe one scene with someone who actually has stuff to do. But i'd like to play with others... maybe. I don't know. Mostly i'll be playing with people i've played with before.

How do you pickup play? I feel like i'm trying to do calculus when all i've completed is trig. I must be missing something integral or else this wouldn't be so.. bad.

I am terriblebad at pick up play. Horriblebad. I forget to communicate something important, i try to play when i don't feel a connection, i give people the benefit of the doubt. They can't read me, they don't know me, i can't explain it to them. Those are the reasons i've effectively stopped doing pickup play.

I think part of my problem is that i'm a submissive. I don't top people, even really for demos (although i can). It isn't where my heart is. People either 1. don't see me play or 2. assume i don't want play.

I'd like to play with new people, but i don't really know how to form the trust level i need to play. I can't just 'play with someone new.' I already know i won't enjoy the first scene or three (potentially, it's happened, albeit, rarely where there is instachemistry). I know not to go into subspace, although sometimes if my triggers are really fresh or raw it's easy to almost get there. I have no problem using my safe words. But it's like the other person just doesn't listen. I end up getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, and then it just makes me cagey to do it *yet again.*

I don't really do superficial play. I like my scenes to be involved, and emotional and pretty troubling. I don't do ..'nice' play. I've enjoyed rope scenes but i don't really do flogging or rough body play by itself. I'm a terrible suspension bottom and i'd really prefer not to be suspended again.  I like to bite and drool and headbutt my partners. I like to grab and claw. I like to get fucked. I like to be humiliated, degraded. I want you to get in my head and fuck around. I want to be terrified or curious or hot, or all three at once. If i'm not physically close i'm not interested. I crave an energy exchange (although not necessarily a power exchange). I like being physically overpowered. +10 hot points if you're; bigger than i am, stronger than i am, able to make me melt with your gaze or are into rape scenes and other consensual non-consent, or knife play.

I want to give myself to my partner in my scenes.  I want to know i'll get the kind of aftercare and time i'll need with them after doing these kinds of things. I want to know that the play we do makes their dicks* hard and their minds sharp.

I'm not really sure where i'm going with this. Maybe its a reminder for me to read before i try to play with someone new. Or maybe im trying to get the word out there that yes, i have a collar but i also want to play with people (D/s dynamics included). Maybe someone who is into similar kinds of play will see it and say something. Maybe someone who knows someone will see it. I'm trying to get better about asking people i'm curious about or interested in to play.

If you read this, thanks. And if you've got any advice for me i am all ears.

*i'm straight, i'm sorry. i'm really only interested in this kind of play with guys.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Coming in February...


I'll be teaching two classes at DOWF14. I'll update with additional information once i receive it. Currently on the schedule: Successful Polyamory and Do it like an animal: Pet play.