Saturday, March 14, 2015

Speaking out about Consent Violations, Missing Stairs, and other Shitty Things

Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss.

I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years.

I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name.

The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took the opportunity to start rubbing my clitoris with their hand. At this point I asked them what they thought they were doing because we hadn't discussed any sexual contact at all. I never told this person that manual stimulation on my clit is a hard limit because we never discussed any sexual contact. I didn't think this was something that needed to be brought up at all. I quickly ended the scene, forwent any aftercare and went back to my primary partner. I told him what happened and he was not happy. A short while later, I watched the same person who had touched me in a way I did not consent to, almost sexually assault someone else I knew. If another person had not stepped in and stopped that scene when they did, I have zero doubts that that encounter would have ended in anything other than rape.

After these incidents, I found out I was not the first, second or third person that this person had tried to push boundaries on.

The second encounter I had was at (now defunct but different and rebuilding) venue. I had been watching a scene that made me uncomfortable so I left the area it was being held in. On my way out I ran into someone I'd never met before and started talking to them. They were cute, and sort of award, but nice. We started talking about maybe doing a rope suspension scene. As we talked more and walked around looking for a space to do some rope, I became uneasy with the idea of a full suspension, and asked if we could just do floor work or maybe partial suspension instead. They said that was fine. We discussed hard limits and I said nothing sexual/no penetration or kissing. They asked about touching my breasts and playing with them and I said that was fine, but please don't cause pain to my nipples, they're really sore and sensitive lately.

We're tying and generally having a good time. I'm in a kneeling position in front of this person and to get me out of the kneel they grab me by the nipples and hike me up. I looked them in the face and said "I said not to be mean to my nipples, what was that?" At this point I'm tied in a TK and can't move my arms because they are tied behind me. The person I was playing with told me they forgot my limit and apologized. This actually happened again. They hiked me up by my nipples to get me out of a kneeling position. IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. My consent was violated twice in a room full of people. Many of whom i knew. At this point I was no longer comfortable interacting with this person but was tied up in their rope. By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine who had asked me to watch one of their scenes was having a scene. I told the person I was playing with "Oh, shit I completely forgot I have to watch **** do something, I'm going to go watch." And walked off, with their rope still on me. I waited until the scene I was watching was done and went back to the person to instruct them to take their rope off of me. I feigned tingly fingers for an excuse as to why we weren't playing anymore. They took their rope and I never heard from them again.

Instance three. At another (different and defunct) venue, I was doing a scene with someone I knew relatively well. They were a partner to one of my partners' partners, and we hung out often enough through other mutual friends and get-togethers. We had expressed interest in getting slightly sexual, through relatively safe contact; manual stimulation and some rope. I explained how it was extremely difficult for me to orgasm with manual contact and that if we wanted to do this, a hitachi would be required. Given my hands were bound, my partner was going to have to hold the hitachi, this is not usually something I allow, and explained that. My clit is very particular and it's really just easier for everyone if I generally keep a hold on my own vibrators.

Anyway, I'm tied up, my legs are frog legged and my arms are in a TK. We're really getting into what we're doing. And surprisingly, I'm about  to actually orgasm which for me was a big deal. I said something about being about to orgasm, at that point, my partner takes my hitachi away. This ruins pretty much everything for me. Orgasm control and denial is something I only do with people I'm in power exchange dynamics with. I asked them what they thought they were doing. "Oh I need to get going." Really. REALLY? They untied me, I got no offer of aftercare and they were on their way. I was fucking seething. How dare someone fuck with my orgasms without even asking. This person knew me relitively well. They knew me well enough that I'd talked about orgasms. In that moment, they didn't care.  I only spoke to this person very casually after this incident.

Instance four. I had a new sexual partner over. I thought that we were pretty sexually compatible. We'd spent a lot of time flirting and I was really eager to have a good time with a new person sexually. I took the time to explain that orgasm control and denial was NOT ok with me and that is was completely casual, vanilla sex. NO D/s elements, no kink elements past some general pain and wrestling around while fucking. This person agreed.

Anyway, we're having a good time, I'm riding this person and am about to orgasm and... Shocker. They take my fucking hitachi out of my hand. And before I got violent (because we DISCUSSED this). I asked them what the hell they thought they were doing "Oh I thought it'd be funny." I got off of their parts and put my clothes back on. We sat in the front room of my apartment until their ride got here. I could not WAIT for this person to leave fast enough. We have an extremely superficial interaction now. I say hi when I see them at events. Maybe they've learned not to do this to other people? I don't really care. All I know is that they are no longer welcome in my bed and in my life.

This seems to be a trend. There are other instances of partners just being shitty, sexually that I'm not even mentioning here. But there is a marked trend for me and interacting with others sexually where they feel like my orgasms are legitimate orgasms? Or orgasms worth having? I really don't understand this. And it needs to stop.

Other people speaking out about their things have made me wanted to speak about mine. I may edit this and add more later, I understand that it's long.

Monday, February 2, 2015

I shouldn't have to keep saying this.

But stop touching people without their consent. At the last 2 events I've been two, I've had THREE people touch me, two of them being complete strangers.

Don't put your hand on someone's hip when you don't know them. Hell, don't put your hands on someone elses body or possessions if you don't know them.

Don't stick your head and face on me without my permission when I'm doing sushi table stuff. You want to keep your sushi table, right? I want to keep being a sushi table, but I get way skeeved out when someones face comes at me from nowhere and goes right towards my crotch. Not cool. You know what's even shitter? When I call someone on doing that and then they just walk away without saying anything. If someone else does this again, venue management WILL be talking to you and if I'm up for it, I will also be saying something to you because you need to be called on your shitty behavior. I do not care if you're new. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Don't poke someone in the stomach or side when you don't know how they're feeling or if they're ok with that.

Sometimes even people who LOVE being touched by others just have a time  where they don't want to.

To those of you who have been asking before you hug me or something, you guys are THE BEST. When I'm socially overwhelmed (like I was at Krakens) it's incredibly helpful and it tells me that you respect my space and therefor respect me and my feelings. It gives me good feels when this happens.

I'm hypersensitive. When sound is already a problem, touch will compound that, in a bad way for me. Sometimes even just wearing clothes of a certain fabric will cause me problems (regular stiff 100% cotton shirts are out of the question). I'm not saying these things because I'm a bitch, I'm saying these things because I'm tired of other people taking liberty with my body and my feelings.

If we have ongoing implied consent, YOU WILL KNOW. If we don't, just ask. That is ALL I'm asking for.

Edited to add:
I am NOT referring to polite excuse me or shoulder taps or the accidental butt to butt sliding that goes on when you're at a crowded event or there are large groups of people. If I'm in someones way, a shoulder tap is totally fine. It's not intrusive and I'm probably in the wrong being in the way anyway. I'm talking about people grossly taking advantage of space or exposed skin or people.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

House of sticks

I know I haven't written in a long time. Longer than my typical winter hiatus. My usual break is caused by the usual work and holiday clusterfuck, no personal time, mandatory work over time. This break was partly caused by that, and mostly caused by something else; people being cowards. People not handling their own shit. Me not being able to speak for myself, or just not realizing fast enough.

I thought something was wrong with me, for a long time. Maybe I was too queer, or too queer looking. Or too fat. Or not sexual enough. Or too sexual. Or a bad partner. Or ugly. Or my hair was too short.  Or my house wasn't nice enough..  Or especially, that the kind of play I'm into and the kinks I have aren't ok and I should feel bad for being into them. That was a really big one... I'm not saying these things because I need reassurance or support in not thinking them. I'm saying them because this is the part of relationships people don't talk about.

I don't really want to go into specifics. The people I'm referring to (I assume) feel badly about what they did, and how they treated me, or what they said to me, or what they didn't say. I hope they can at least learn from their mistakes and treat other people better in the future, or use this experience to get a better handle on their own lives and solve some of their internal issues. Maybe we can be friendly again in the future. Maybe we can't. I really, actually, honestly don't know.

My trust in people was burnt down to nothing. For the first time in my life, it's something I've had to actually rebuild. In my head I imagined my trust as a little house of sticks, then a little house of straw, and then a little house of bricks. Right now I'm like a dog, standing with one stick in its mouth. It may only be one stick, but it's my stick and it's the first step in rebuilding my tiny trust house of sticks.

It's taken me over 6 months to even want to come back to the community. It's taken me six months to want to sit down and write this and get it out. Believe me, I've tried to do so before. But all that came out was anger, and hurt. Those emotions aren't me. I held my energy until I could focus it in a way where personal growth would be the outcome and not rage or revenge. A conversation with a friend helped me see through a lot of things today. This isn't my fault. And while I clung to the notion of a good play partner (more than one, actually, this is not about a single person), they weren't good partners to me and I can't base my faith or trust for all people in the actions of a few people.

I'm taking things very slowly. I'm planning on attending Winter Fire, but I'm not absolutely sure.

Play has always been so hard for me. It's not going to get any easier. All I do know is that I have a few more guidelines to operate in and I'll have no problem speaking for myself in the future. Causal play leaves me deeply unfulfilled. My community, the Dc/Balt community is very casual-play focused. That isn't something I find fulfilling. If you've asked me to play any time in the last... year and I've said no, that is why. I don't want casual. I don't want long distance. I don't want one-off scenes, or "maybe we can do a thing at X event," I really just want to find someone who wants to focus on me, and who I can focus on, D/s wise. It's a tall order to fill, and as cagey as I am right now, I'm not expecting anyone to volunteer as tribute.

Cigars Boots & Chocolate will be on the return. Kamm and I have been discussing a lot of things to open that back up again.

All of that said. If you have a problem with me, or I've hurt you in the past... Come talk to me about it, if you'd like. If I'm unaware of my slight towards you I'll never be able to make it right. And if I do stand behind my words, you deserve to know why if you'd like to.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Blank Erotica

I’ve still got most of my clothes on. You’re standing over me, i’m on my knees looking up at you. You want me to watch you  be terrible to me. You want me to make eye contact. You want me to tell you what a worthless piece of meat i am and that i deserve everything you’re going to give me. You’re going to use me as a sloppy wet fuckhole for your pleasure. You don’t give a shit if i like it or not, it isn’t about me. This is all about you. What you want. What makes your dick hard. 

You cradle my face in your hands, i’m teary eyed just from terror alone. You haven’t done much to me but thats about to change. The soothing touch starts to tighten until you’re compressing my neck. My vision starts to tunnel and i struggle to get away, but i can’t. I grab at your forearms  and tug but i don’t have enough leverage. I lean into your legs and you let go. 

I lean against you as i catch my breath. I can feel your weight shift, i know you’re coming after me. I recoil from your attempted grasp but i’m too slow. I end up leaning back and you force me down, belly up. You’re on top of me. Your right hand grabs my jaw and you slap me a few times with your left. If i wasn’t crying before i probably am now. You lean back, letting me wheeze and catch my breath. You pull a knife out of your pocket and i catch a glimpse of the metal through my teary vision, i stiffen. You draw it across my throat and involuntarily i relax. 

You grab my shirt and slide the knife beneath it, i squirm but not a lot, i don’t want you to cut me. I whimper as the fabric loosens. You tear the shirt the rest of the way off and lean down over me. I feel your hands squeeze my tits and i arch my back to try to relieve the pain, it doesnt help. I don’t know where the knife is. “You’d be fighting back harder if you didn’t want this” Im conflicted on where i am about that.. I weakly grab at one of your hands, the one i’m sure doesn’t have the knife. Anything to free my chest. I want to bite you, but i don’t have a good angle and if you catch me, well, it’ll get a lot worse.

You get off me and grab my collar, heaving me up by the neck, i make some guttural noise of displeasure. You half march half drag me to the bed and throw me over, feet still on the floor. I’m still wheezing. I feel your hands grab the waste of my pants, they’re big, you probably won’t even need the knife to cut through them, you could just slide them off me without a belt. “Spread your legs” when i don’t comply fast enough you punch me in the back. SPREAD THEM. I get the message, opening my legs and crying. You force your knee against my cunt and i hate myself because i want it. 

I can’t bring myself to fight you. Either i can’t catch my breath or you’ve just already overpowered me. It isn’t like that’s difficult for you. You take your knee out of my cunt. “Turn over” i scramble to comply. I prop myself up a little bit, but still cower. I don’t dare close my legs. You put the blade of the knife right over my clit. I hope the jeans aren’t worn. You pull the blade away and smack me on the thigh with it, i want to curl up but i can’t, i won’t. You do it again. I grasp your opposite side “don’t you fucking touch me” i recoil, shaking. Eventually you just want the pants gone, you grab the material around my hips and tug, they slide off, hell they could have been half way gone with all the struggling already. I feel exposed and vulnerable. My panties are wet. 

“Look at what a fucking slutty mess you are” you smack my cunt and i moan, trying to close my legs. You grab my knees and force them back open. “This should be on display, it’s a shame there aren’t other people here to use you. Guess you’ll just have to settle for me.” I try to struggle backwards, to get more on the bed, not feel so layer open. You’re onto of me in a second, toying with me. You antagonize me. You want me to fight back. Pokes here, slaps there, maybe a punch to the leg. Eventually you get me worked up enough, i start trying to punch you in the chest, stomach, leg, anything i can get my fists near. This delights you, i don’t like it when you smile. You tire of my pathetic game and grab my wrists with one hand pinning them back over my shoulder, i squirm. You smack me around with your free hand.

I can feel your cock pressing against me as you lean over, your legs lock mine in place and i feel your teeth against my breast, i buck under you, i know whats coming and i don’t want it. I struggle and cry as you bite down, my cries become sobs as it takes you longer and longer to let go. I can’t even process it. You look me in the eye and spit on me. You grab the knife from the safe place you had put it before and slash the rest of my clothes off.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

How to not get a positive response: Actual email version.

Once upon the time, on the internet, I had a profile up on one of the many BDSM "looking for" sites. And the below is what someone thought would be even remotely appropriate to send to me.

Let's see if we can't play creeper bingo.

I actually think this dude read my profile, at least enough to see that I have a vagina, like things put in it, and am interested in a D/s relationship. Apparently to him anyone looking for D/s means M/s, because of the amount of times he refers to slaves. Fun fact bro, I'm not a slave. I'm not planning on being a slave, and sending emails like this to people is grounds to get horrible things done to your nads.

My brain liquified and started seeping out my noise while I was reading this.

I've left the message intact in it's appearance, formatting included. I just removed his initial at the end.



Bravo lady! Talk about having a head on your shoulders! Before we begin anything, I have to disclose that I am also in a relationship of sorts, it is a M/s dynamic. We intend for selective open, but we have not crossed the rubicon yet. Before anything could progress, that would be a full clemency between all partners. I have had things go poorly in the past, another party omitted for lust. Naughty little thing. That may take time. Gives us time to get to know one another. I do not believe in deception or omission. slave will know of my intention and invention shortly *grin* Either way, that stated, I would love to discuss terms, if not as an immediate, as a curiosity of compatibility. From what I have read, you are my mirror image. My yin. Due to the extremity of what we both desire, neither of us should beat around the bush, or have anything less than total trust. AGREED!!! You can be raped and murdered, I can go to jail for thirty years, so yes, negotiation is an imperative, trust as well. Yes, I am aware that terms should be negotiated. The negotiation, regardless of ultimate intention, should be done as equals, if only for the moment, until trust and compatibility are established. Even if we are not a good fit for the dynamic, I would love to get to know you as a friend. You have a very unique mind. A blunt sincerity. Very valuable. Very rare. My slave would love you. There are few enough players who shoot for something so involved as bleeding all over a plastic sheet. .grin. Not so long ago, I had to dexter the apartment after a blood caning, so much fun, SOOOOOO much mess. Apparently, forensically clean apartments are my specialty lol. To be fair, I opted out of clubs for the most part. Every so often we go out. We prefer hosting private gatherings, or going to private and more exclusive parties with vetting. LESS DRAMA!!! Thank the gods!!! I like your scenario of it being full time, but severe and absolute when we are together. It sounds fucking wonderful. All the benefits of day of slavery, none of the complications of owning day to day. A breath of fresh air lol. Jking. I am joking, owning is a joy. A complete joy, even when there is complication, or emotional duress in her life. It is just another reason to be on top of my shit. So, as far as not being full time, I love it. Talking here and there throughout the week, friendly, just checking in, that would matter. So, when it is on, it is on... All this equals shit, gets put away and the kid gloves come off. Understood? I say it, you do it. Once there is trust established, there should be no reason for you to question an order, or if you do, no reason I should not put you to your knees and have you lick my boot and get in worship. My orders will never negate your health, or well being. They may compromise your morale on occasion, but that is half the point. No? As far as expectations with play, when you mention your specifics my mind races with potential. My experiences and my desires lean towards the extreme, and I do have the knowledge to back it up and ultimately ensure safety. Asphyxiation; bagging, hands, cords, belts, rubber tubing, waterboarding, knife play (surgical perfection, I leave the scar I intend, sometimes artistic, sometimes no scar at all; my preference, with your agreement, case by case.) Bull whips, yes you will do it, and you will like it ROFL. I have been using them since my teens, my misses are no more than 3 inches, and never near a vital organ. I will bleed you! Caning, no limits. You take what I give you, you thank me, maybe ask for more, if I am not to tired. Needle play... I love needles. S'jambok... full throttle! Flogging, eh.. it can be fun. But none of that sensual shit. I prefer chain to rope. shackles and manacles to leather. collar and lead, outfits; I pick em, you wear em! Marionetting/ puppeteering (my invention; or so I think... taught bondage, tippy toed, little wiggle room at the torso and legs, then your skewered at pressure points to provoke a sort of dancing response. Full body domination at it's best.) I can do surgical stitches and would love to keep you quiet, here and there.. Or ensure chastity for a few days, at least in one hole (evil grin,) Psychological domination, fear tactics, behavior modification through long term exposure to stimuli = ME!!! Never tell me your fears, or your fantasies, I will warp them into something abysmal you could never have fathomed. Boot camp style exercise, I will scream and kick, and push you to your absolute limit. Interrogation 'roleplay' and what you did you do with your week slave? Are you sure? Nothing your missing? Nothing to admit? Begin torture, elicit the truth I want to hear, continue torture for the shits and giggles of it. No right answer. Poor you! I have been wanting to do more with prods, stun guns, electrical play in general, but is my slaves only hard limit. Wooooe is me, right? lol. I am dreadful with rope. No shibari, nothing pretty, just impossible to get out of. rape play, and involved kidknapping scenes (if desirable.) Physical domination... You do what I make you do. Whether it be throwing you to the ground and doing controlled kicks before anal penetration, or jerking your collar to kiss you, it will be abrupt, unpredictable, and undeniable. And often. Pressure points, I know many, and I love using them. Even if just cuddling, you will be poked, prodded, and explored. Fisting and large insertion, without training. So much more enjoyable that way. Plenty of lube, but ruin a good fuck hole through regular use? Out door play (woods and derlict buildings, cemeteries too.) Subtle public play with the vanillas. Just enough to get us off, but not enough to alarm the authorities. lol. Fuck that noise. So much more. I have my check list. If things progress, we will go over it, it will take hours. It will be done in one sitting. Grr lol. Damned standards and practices. lol. Oh, I do like video. I am considering hosting a porn site. Anyone who calls themselves my slave will likely be working for me at some point (VERY negotiable; if you don't want your face scene, I will put a full hood on you.) Video consent pre and post play is imperative and not optional. During play is negotiable. If we do go out, perfect service and adherence to all orders. If I play with another, you assist. Bring toys, clean toys, provide after care, so I don't have to be sweet. lol. I don't like clubs. I barely do them. If I do, you will be on your very best behavior, or I will take the time to correct any sidetracking from the plan and the protocols agreed to. Sexual service, no denying me. Don't bother. It will always be painful. I do not make love, I cannot stay up if I wanted too. I prefer anal and brutal face fucking, you will be used in that way often. Generally, I do pleasure as a reward for good service. Only for above and beyond. So, if you are looking for someone who is going to compromise what he prefers, thats not me. Straight forward. Not in the mood, too bad. In pain from the last time, too bad. A little more pain never killed anyone. Short of a legitimate medical reason, I expect service. If that is agreeable, then that works for me. You can cry, you can beg for mercy, on occasion, I may actually give it. Don't expect it. If I have friends over and I know they are clean and have seen their paper work, you will serve in all propensities, as ordered, directed, or expected. If they are that close to me, they deserve your service. I will not put you in harms way, ever. I do not do casual acquaintances. If they are close to me, they will be good to you, and good for you (service with others is negotiable, but desirable.) Domestic servitude. If this goes well, you will assist in keeping things tidy, and ensuring my comfort, as a slave should. It will likely be at my slaves apt, or soon to be townhome. You two will work together, that is my hope. Serve together. Be as sisters in service, naughty sisters, but sisters nonetheless. It should be that uncomplicated, I imagine. It is time. : ) We've been discussing doing more with others, more and more so. We wanted to go solo for a while. No intention of permanent mahogany (I refuse to say the word.) It was our desire (my idea) to breed solidarity, trust, communication, before adding others into the mix. I think we may be there. I will consult her. I don't order that one. We discuss it. I just happen to get more say lol. At some point, I intend on a poly household, Me, another Dom/ Domme, or two, and several slaves. It will be a five year goal. Something with land and privacy. That is my hope. That is why I will consider doing dirty things online with the people I care for lol. Provide something beautiful and peaceful and lasting. There is always more... that is a good beginning. I am do not compromise, I do consider. If we are not a good match, we'll determine that and proceed as either friends, or as people who once talked. Catch and release. I wish you the best your search. I think you are a marvel. I think I would enjoy owning you a great deal. I hope you will respond. ~ [Dude]

This is why we can't have nice things.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I've been told that my consent isn't enough.

I was asked to put this in a writing:

There was more of this that I wanted to address, but people have already gotten there. The one thing that is missing is this:
These people are not healthy. Even if it is consensual. Consent doesn't make it OK to do harm.

This is another way to say "bottoms have no agency." Or "bottoms are damaged people." STOP IT. JUST STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Consent is exactly what makes it okay to do harm. Stop telling people that consent isn't enough. Because if consent is not enough than we are not adults and have no right to partake in any of this. I'm upset and frustrated at this train of thought being continued.

It's been MONTHS of this; Bottoms can't consent. Bottoms can't this, or can't that. Bottoms are damaged people. Etc, etc, etc.

Consent is what we do. Consent is what we deal with. If you aren't ok with someone else giving consent for an act, then you know what you do?

You fucking leave.

You take your two feeties,  your toys, your stuff and you turn around and walk away.

If you have a question about consent violation, or abuse? Find the appropriate person, persons or group to take it to. But stop disguising it as this fear mongering, submissive/bottom-you-can't-handle-yourself bullshit.

Figure out your actual problem and go address that. Stop blaming edge play for abuse. Edge players aren't any more damaged than non-edge players. Wanting to engage in edge-play is not a mental illness.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

PSA: Don't spank me.

I'm generally pretty good about dictating or negotiation my regular interactions with others. Sometimes I'm huggy, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I prefer a handshake, sometimes I want a kiss. I communicate these needs if you're someone I routinely interact with related to them.
Close friends I'm generally ok with being hugged by. I will let you know if this is not the case (like if I've got a busted rib or other injury). Or if I just don't want to be glomped when arriving at an event.
I don't like to be touched intimately by people I don't know well. It's not you, it's just how I am. 
I'm generally very ok with these interactions but there is one thing I need to speak up about because I say something about it over and over again.
Spanking me is a hard limit. I don't like spanking. I can't process spanking. For the love of whatever god is your homeboy, DO NOT SPANK ME OUTSIDE OF A SCENE. 
Don't spank me when I'm on a train. Or on a plane. Or in a car or at the bar. Don't spank me. When I'm bending over to change, or get something out of my bag. Don't spank me. 
Don't spank me or hit my ass unless you approach my face and go "indey//Jayne, I'd like to spank you, is that alright?" and then I verbally tell you "Yes (person) I would like you to spank me."
If the above has not happened 
This isn't difficult. I'm getting tired of people making assumptions about me and my body and my space. Even if we have some kind of ongoing/implied consent, don't do it. 
I don't care what kind of play I do, or how "hard" of a bottom I am. Or how much I ID as a masochist and love pain. DON'T SPANK ME. I understand that a lot of people see a friendly butt patt as a greeting, or an expression of humor, or whatever, but it is not that for me. Don't do it. 
Spanking is a soft limit for me inside of scenes. I negotiate spanking if it is a thing we will do. No talk about spanking means no spanking.
So, to nutshell this bitch, if you're sneeking up behind me thinking it would be a great interaction with me to grab or smack my bum and then run off giggling or trill, don't. You damage your interaction with me every time you do this. I am not going to simply allow this gross violation of my personal space, body and boundaries. This community is built on consent. Go fucking get some.
This is my plea to you, my community. My friends. My acquaintances. My strangers. My partners. My lovers. Please allow me to feel safe in spaces and around you and interact with you.  
This post has been inspired by @MabMadder because if she can own her shit, than so can I. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

This is long and you don't have to read it. 19: thoughts on camp, relationships and other things.

It's been 19 days since I accepted that someone important to me no longer seemed to want me in their life. I'm still not sure what happened and I'm still not sure what to do about it, so for now that is on the back burner. This person has their own things to deal with right now and at the moment I don't think I'm comfortable being part of that.  

I'm upset, hurt, and angry that I allowed someone I trusted so deeply to blindside me like this. But I've worked through a lot of my feelings, the remainder are being sorted slowly, with a lot of backsliding and a lot of hesitnacy. I learned a lot. About myself. About how to interact with people, about how to listen to my gut when it says "hey, this thing seems werid, maybe you shouldn't do it." There was a lot of that. I may be done bending over backwards to please other people and that kills me. I may only offer that compersion if I find it being returned. 

I have to work to be able to give out my compersion. That love, that gift, that giving, will not come so easially now. My current partners are already dealing with this. They're doing a really good job in all honesty and it gets easier by the day. 

I can't even begin to tell those close to me how truly greatful i have been for their support, advice and shoulders. When I needed someone to cry on, they were there. When I needed someone to bitch to, they were there. When I needed advice on what to do, or what to say, they were there. When I needed a lap to curl up in, or a cup of tea, or a hug, they were there. When I needed someone to make me cry, when I needed someone to fuck me and not respect me, they were there. Not that I won't continue to need these things, but I know I don't have to worry about being an emotional burdeon on those I love, cherish and hold close. 

I've been at camp twice this year while things were bad for me. I want, so badly, to say "off" or "weird" or downplay it, but it wasn't that. It was bad. And that's OKAY. That's not to say I didn't have amazing times at camp (for both Fusion and SummerFest) I DID, and to those of you who assisted me in any way, I am extremely appreciatve. But I'm finding more and more that what I bring to camp when I arrive is what I experience and that was very very evident for me.

There were things I usually enjoy a lot that I couldn't even find the taste for, like service and sex. I had to work every day of camp  (at Summer Fest), and my service brain melded my existing want to serve to support work. I'm not in service to my job but that was how it felt. I was honoring my boss by doing work with a shitty internet connection from my cabin bed every morning and assinsting customers and answering their question and quelling their anger if their orders were botched. I spent at least two hours every day with one foot in my vanilla world and I can't do that again. 

I arrived at camp late Friday night, also because of work. I'm a person with social anxiety. It's not always there and sometimes I do a really good job pretending I'm an extrovert but that really isn't the case. I fool people a lot.  Getting to camp sometime on Thursday is good for me because i get to slowly fill the people bucket (that's less kinky than it sounds). I'm old news for most people by Friday because I've been there for a day. There's no rush to say hi to the puppy or hug me or something. I can go along at my own pace and everything is fine. Getting there Friday after registration is.. asking a lot out of me emotionally. 

Fusion was equally weird, you can read about that write up, its back in my writing history. I don't want to dig it up right now. 

I had a scene get rescheduled from Saturday night to Sunday that fucked with me a lot. I'd refrained from doing a few things earlier in the day that I would have done otherwise, but when at camp stuff can change, people do things, get their energy drained, shit comes up, whatever. I understand that. I always have a "but it's camp" clause at the end of my scheduled scenes that gives my scene partner an out if they need it because I only want to play if my play partner feels like THEY want to play with ME. See, I'm not comfortable playing if you aren't pretty much 100% into doing something with me. You might not be super gun-ho on the exact thing we're doing, but you should be enthusiastic about your interactions with me. For the record, I did eventually get that scene and it was transformative.  

It's been a long, long time since I've felt like someones priority, kink-wise. My limitation in partners does not help, this I know. I'm only comfortable with male ID'd people with whom I am attracted to and who can take certain roles. I like involving penetrative sex in my kink. I'm beginning to top, and branch out a little, but my true love is to bottom, to take the pain and the suffering from another that I trust. The fact that I'm involved with polysaturated people doesn't help. I'm not sure what does help but as a rough bottom flying solo at events is hard for me. (In before "but you're not alone, you have Kamm!"). Kamm and I don't have an extended D/s dynamic, and the parts of D/s that we do, aren't really campy. When we're at camp or kink events, his relationship with his D/s partner takes priority. This is our negotaited terms and I am comfortable with this. 

Kamm seems to have such an easy time finding play and romantic partners, and I'm too cagey. I'm too hesitant. It takes me so long to warm up to people emotionally or sexually or submissivly. Sometimes it can be years. Generally the connections I do end up forming are fufilling on some level. My biggest problem tends to be that my partners can't find enough time for me. That's not a terrible problem to have, but the priority thing. That hurts. And it isn't really even anyones fault. 

Something something, it gets better. Something someting, positive outlook. Something something, something something.  

I've been exploring different types of pain and play than those I used to do with someone else. I find myself needing to reclaim myself and my pain. That's why you might see me doing rope, or topping, or bottoming to people I wouldn't have bottomed to before. I'm exploring my own existance. I think I've lost my taste for D/s for the moment. That is related to the same circumstances I spoke about above. None of the dynamic I lost was D/s involved but the amount of trust I'd need to let someone be that close isn't a level where I'm willing to let others in to that point. I don't think it's fair to give someone unrealistic hurdles to clear. 

I've used bootblacking as a coping mechinism which has helped a lot. Being able to give that much of myself to something that, by it's very nature can't hurt me or disapoint me has been good. I did get to work on a lot of leather at camp.

I tried topping for the first time. I had a lot of fun but some stuff was really confusing for me. I'll see if I can work through that. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this writing. I wanted to vent a little, and talk about why I've been more down than usual lately. But also talk about some good things. Maybe I just needed to get out some of the sads. I haven't written in a while and this stuff has been rolling around my brain for a good minute. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Hey guys, how do I know if I have permission to post this picture?

Grab a seat kids, this is gonna be fun. There seems to be something extremely difficult about whether or not you can post a picture on your fetlife account or not. Here are a few simple tips to help you figure out if an image is OK to post!

Question 1: "Did you take this photograph?"
 If the answer is YES, you CAN post it! The cool thing about copyright is that as soon as you snap a picture (in any format) you own the copyright to that image! How fucking cool! Generally you want to get permission from the people (assuming there are any people ) in the photograph before posting it. You can use something called a model release if it's some kind of photoshoot, but I'll let you google that term yourself. You're smart, I believe in you.

Question 2: "Are you in this picture?"
If the answer is YES, then you CAN post it! How fucking cool! Generally, during a photoshoot (assuming we're talking about pictures of people here) the model may receive copies of the set shoot to post to their portfolio. I'd recommend getting permission from the photographer, but if they have released the pictures to you, generally you can post 'em where you wish. Don't forget to credit your photographer.

Question 3: "Are the things in the picture my things?"
If the answer is YES, then you can post it! SCORE!

Question 4: "Is the image of a meme or popular pop culture reference?"
If the answer is YES, than usually you can post them. Memes fall under a general free use category because they are assumed to belong to the internet. Memes tend to fall under emote images or emogees. They can rarely if ever be credited and are used heavily on almost all parts of the internet.

Question 5: "Does the picture contain artwork, like illustrations or paintings?"
If you created the artwork, you're good to go. If you didn't, this can become more difficult. It is ALWAYS recommended that you *credit the artist or photographer* if you are posting someone else's work.  It's the polite thing to do and it acknowledges their creative force and ownership of the material. Someone else worked hard to make that, please give them credit. A simple "artwork by Tammy" or "RTN photography" or a link back to their website is usually sufficient. That said, if you do this and someone asks you to remove the piece, please do what they say, especially if it's the original artist or photographer.

Question 6: "Hey, this picture has a warning on it, "Do not redistribute or repost", What do I do?"
That's SO easy. You follow the warning. If someone has submitted content to (websiteA) and you found it somewhere else (like websiteB), please don't exacerbate the problem by reposting that image somewhere else (like websiteC). If you have permission to post the picture, ask the person giving you permission to supply you with a differently watermarked image.

There you have it. 6 easy questions you can ask to see whether or not you can take a picture from the internet and put it in another place.

Have additional questions? Feel free to ask.

I'm a photographer, artist and designer by trade. My work is part of my livelihood. This issue is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and the fact that people think they can swipe shit off of google image search because it's "on the internet and therefor free" will never cease to piss me off.

Caveat: It's 11pm and I'm tired. This is more meant to be tongue in cheek but seriously, stop grabbing shit off of google searches and thinking you're an internet copyright expert. You're not. Do not pas go. Do not collect $200.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Why is that hot?

I was going through my tumblr the other day with Daddy and @Mr_Fox and was explanining why some of the gifs or images are hot. I thought it would be fun to take like 10 or so of those and actually explain what you like about the image or gif.


1. control. The way his hand grips her neck drives my cunt wild. She can't escape and she looks so blissed out and I want that.

2. flinch. My life is pretty much made out of flinching when I play with my partners. I hate being smacked in the clit, it will do really, really bad things for me, especially with the piercing. But the threat of it... Unfff.

3. surprise. I hate the masks. Im not going to lie. I like my tops clothed, but face open (or naked fucking me, but that's another story). But the complete shock she has being pounced on like that....

4. probably the weirdest fetish I have, nosebleeds. Just so hot.

5. vulnerable pose, also.. Boots. You can never go wrong sticking boots in places. The nipple tree thing intrigues me, but how spread open she is and where that boot is are the things that make me happy.

6. this is horrible, I love the symmetry.

7. I actually hate being touched in this way. For some reason the two finger thing outside my cunt always registers as a bad touch but that is sort of what makes me want it..

8. hnnnnn face touching. Also, everything about that caption.

9. i need to try this. Like, six times a week.

10. and my most favorite gif ever. I just ... Everything about this. The fact that they are clothed. The way he just stops and melts (and is Leonardo DiCaprio) i just ... can't

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hey, Judas... Also known as: Adventures with vaginas.

My title is a lie. This isn't Adventures with Vaginas. It's an adventure with one vagina. My vagina, Judas.

I hate masturbating. Like a lot of people I suppose. The overall preference seems to be "well, yeah, partnered sex is better, but masturbation is ok." Or "masturbation is fun!" Or "but mutual masturbation is really different and I really enjoy it." Something about handsex. Something about not fucking with penises. Something something something.

I hate masturbating.

I didn't always hate masturbating. Before I had partnered sex, masturbating was pretty ok. I remember laying around, stuffing whatever I could find that would (safely) fit in my cunt, rubbing against a pillow and getting off that way. One day I had 23 orgasms in a row. I couldn't feel my parts. That was pretty fun. Usually I'd settle for fewer orgasms (and more time spent doing other things, like sleeping). That 23 thing was a one time deal.

For a long, long time. Masturbating was the only way I could orgasm. Daddy is the first person I ever slept with that gave enough shits to figure out what made me cum. I'd been with him for at least 6 months before he started talking to me about it. I was pretty ashamed about the fact that I was non-orgasmic with partnered sex. Not that I didn't find partnered sex satisfying, I did. But in the same way one would be satisfied after a good workout. This is not to say that my other sex partners were not GGG or were bad lays. They weren't. I had great sex with most of those people, but I didn't know myself well enough to tell someone else what to do. They don't teach you what orgasms are in school. At least not people with vaginas. I had a lot sex thinking I might have been getting off, but looking back on it, I wasn't. At least not in the way I have been for the past 5 years.

Once I got over the orgasm hump (hehe) I ran into another problem. I could only climax in one position, with pretty lackluster orgasms and by pretty much using Daddy as a dildo. While this was fun for sometimes, it was getting boring and repetitive, not to mention it strained Kamm to keep this position all the time and meant there was little to no spontaneity to our sex and it ended the same way pretty much every time.

Enter the hitachi magic wand.

That marvel of modern machinery has changed the way I fuck.

Do you know how amazing it is to be able to orgasm in different positions? Do you know how amazing it is to be able to orgasm with different people? Do you know how amazing it is to orgasm with different types of stimulation?

This is not to say that orgasms are the end-all-be-all of sex. They aren't. I usually don't even grab the hitachi until way after my partners have offered to grab it for me. I love the way their bodies feel on mine. I love the way their bodies feel against mine. I love the way their bodies feel in mine. I love where their hands go. I love their sweat. I love the way they smell. I love the way our sex smells. I get off on all of that. My physical orgasms are a very satisfying cherry on top of my giant sex sundae. (Omg food analogies, can we not).

I don't get any of that when I masturbate. There is none of that amazing feedback. None of the energy. Nothing. Almost all of my fetishes revolve around me getting off on being used by another person. Being degraded. Being edged. Being denied. Being forced. Being brutalized. Being humiliated. Being made to suffer. I can't do any of those things to myself. I get off on being prey. Is one still able to be prey with no predatory factor lurking?

I haven't found that place for me...

I've tried a number of different things; toys, techniques. None of them are reliable.

My other problem is that I am an absolute cock slut. And not just any kind of cock slut, a biocock slut. You know what isn't masturbating? Having sex with biococks when you're a person with a vagina.

When those factors combine, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to muster the enthusiasm needed to override what makes masturbating uncomfortable to me. I actually try a lot to masturbate and stop a few minutes in because I'm so turned off by just touching myself. I stop the process a lot. I lose interest. My cunt dries up. My mind goes elsewhere. It isn't fun, or sexy or arousing. My libido comes raging back the second I take my hand away. But leaves when I start touching myself again. It's incredibly frustrating.

Ah, oh, and on top of all that (because wait, there's more!) I'm not a big fan of porn. Ready the fainting couch. I'm such a sex and body positive person and I just really don't prefer porn and I really hate touching myself when I'm by myself. THE. SHAME. I have never found "live" (read: video) porn I like. Mostly I stick to really horrible/degrading/taboo writing and erotica, some furry stuff and the occasional rule 34. It's so different from my normal tastes that something about it eventually becomes appealing. Iwouldnotmindassistancewiththis >.>

I feel like I'm starting already with a huge handicap; the wrong equipment, the wrong mindset and the wrong situation. I'm trying to fix a problem with a set of hobbled together macguyver tools with the finesse of an epileptic dog. You can get the job done but you'll be lucky if you do.

Maybe with all the above writing people can see why it's so incredibly difficult for me to masturbate. If you  have any incite or ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Monday, July 7, 2014

On Masochism, Hard Limits and finding myself

I'm a masochist. That term seems to create a lot of confusion for people, although i'm not exactly sure why. Masochism is in our acronym; BDSM. Bondage. Domination. Sadism. Masochism. It's right there. It's a readily available label in our list of labels on Fetlife (the same can't be said for other labels i'm fond of, like three-hole-fucktoy). So why is it so hard to understand what a masochist is when this term specifically is everywhere?

A masochist commonly defined as a person who gets pleasure from pain. There are varying types of masochism, like physical masochism, sexual masochism and emotional masochism. But they all stem from the same time; pain leads to pleasure.

I'm often asked "You're a masochist, right? So if I hurt you, you'll cum from it?" And the answer, to their surprise is always no. I don't orgasm from pain. It's just not how my sexual response cycle works. I eventually get pleasure from pain sensation, but i still feel pain as pain. Let that sink in. I feel pain as pain. Left for a moment to process, that pain then gives me a pleasurable sensation. Watch me get kicked, or brutalized or slapped in the face. Once the stinging or punching sensation dissipates, it is replaced with something that feels good. Something that goes from wherever the stimulus is to my brain and my cunt, or just my cunt (there is a reason it's name is Judas). I might smile, or laugh or cry or sit in silence, grimacing while i process, but i'll be getting wet. I'll be getting worked up. Outright pain will cause this reaction. Discomfort will cause this reaction. Discomfort over an extended period of time will cause this reaction. Discomfort and pain not related to a scene will cause this. If i hit my elbow on my desk at work, it turns me on. If i stub my toe, it turns me on. My life gets pretty weird sometimes. My problems are clearly not other peoples problems.

It's taken me a long time to accept my label. I recently changed my label ID on fetlife, from submissive to masochist. I need pain or degradation to climax during sex. It's what i think about when i want to be aroused. Both of those are types of masochism for me. Physical or emotional. I'm having a hard time focusing on being submissive without an outlet for it. I've been active in the scene for over three years and have yet to form a fulfilling official D/s connection with another person. Not for lack of trying but we all know how that goes. I think focusing on this part of me, the one that is the loudest in my head will be more fulfilling in the long run.

My ability to take pain is directly related to the connection of the person i'm playing with. I don't do very intense play with new people, it's just not a good idea for me and how i operate. But for those i have an intense trust and connection with, they can take me to places i've never considered, places i never necessarily wanted to go before we talked about them.

I do something i refer to as "hard limit play" with a select few people. These are people i trust. People with whom i am intimate with. People who understand who i am, and how i operate. They know my needs and my wants and they know how to coax me and push me. I know to trust them, in some cases implicitly. We know each others aftercare needs. We negotiate. We discuss safety.

Hard limit play is a type of masochism for me. It hits the place in me that revels in emotional masochism. A lot of it hits fear, vulnerability. It's a type of edge play. And i really do hate calling it "play." Once something puts me in that space, it isn't play. It may not even be fun, or arousing. It's an ordeal. Something, on some level i'm willing to go through, usually for the sake of another. My drowning is a prime example of this, but so are a few other things. The way my dynamics are structured, my partners have some leeway in doing hard limit type play with me. There is a careful balance and a lot of consideration and conversation that goes into these things. Lynk talked about drowning me for over a year until i finally stopped protesting. I hesitate to say i actually consented because i never said "ok, drown me" but when you have a level of implied consent, and i said "i won't fight you to get in the tub..." that's about as much consent as i'll give in that type of situation.  At the time of the scene, drowning was still on my hard limit list. Now i love it. I've described drowning as my happy place.

I like being prey. I like being a victim. Hard limit play can get me there.

I don't expect people to understand this, or even really give any fucks. This is my play, and who i choose to do it with is really only my business and my partners business. But you may see me doing hard limit play. Anything that involves fire is a hard limit for me, but you may see me doing fire play with Mr_Fox, because he's just about the only person on the planet i'm comfortable doing it with. I want to give him the ability to push me in that way, so we do it. You may see my trainer fist me (or maybe not, who knows) and that's also a hard limit.

I'd at least like to be able to open the door towards having a conversation where people can talk about their hard limits and engaging them. I'm very privileged in my area to be able to do a lot of the types of play i enjoy. Most of them qualify as edge play. I can't do that i every location. But in Maryland we have spaces, parties and groups that encourage you to play the way you want to play.

My tumblr has given at least one person the ability to be more comfortable with the types of play they like. My discussions on masochism and pain have given other people the support and network they are looking for, to know they aren't alone. To the people out there, like me, reading this; you aren't alone. And the way you play may make others uncomfortable, but it's yours. Own it. Love it. It's you. Explore comfortably with those you trust. It's what i'm doing now. I've never felt more fulfilled or loved.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Boots, Boot-Blacking, Boot-play, and when is a scene, a scene?

Boot play and blacking is something that is relatively new to me. I understand that as something that is new, and something that is generally done as a service, it may be difficult to tell whether or not what i'm doing is a scene, or a service. When i am doing a boot scene, i would prefer not to be interrupted. I did a scene last night with Daddy where i blacked his (vintage) brand new boots and kept having people approach me to talk. My feelings weren't hurt, but i would like to make a few clarifications on when i would like to be left to enjoy the leather that i'm into. I am complete and utter boot slut, please let me enjoy that.

I've put together a few guidelines that will hopefully make it easy for someone to tell if trying to talk to me is a good idea. If you are ever in doubt, just wait 'till i'm done.

  • If my mouth is on leather, leave me alone. This includes everything from a simple kiss to full on tongue-out-sloppy-drippy-boot-worship. 
  • If boots are on my chest or tits. Leave me alone.
  • If i am being hurt while blacking. Leave me alone. 
  • If boots are on my lower thighs and people are pressing them into me, i'm crying, or moaning. Leave me alone.
  • If boots are on my lower thighs and i seem to be blacking, talking and having a good time. You can approach. 
  • If i am blacking at a stand and seem to be in good spirits and responsive. You can approach. 

If i'm in a place were people can see me, you can ALWAYS watch. This is specifically about coming up to me and trying to talk to me.

Hopefully this clears up a thing or two.

Thanks for reading :3

Saturday, June 28, 2014

LUBE: Stick it in your butt yo! Or other places.

Lubes. Love them, hate them, use them don't use them. You've got a lot of options. There are hundreds of lubes to choose from. How do you choose the right ones? What do different ones do? Why do we care? What holes do we stick them in?

So many questions.

Let's start with a little intro. What is lube? Lube is stuff you add to things to make them slicker or reduce friction (or combat dryness). You can use lubes internally (like inside a vagina with penis-in-vagina sex aka PIV) or externally or for masturbation (like on a penis). They're almost essential for anal penetration of any kind and can be great for adding some slip to your titty fucking, hand jobs, elbow fucking, armpit fucking or behind-the-knee fucking. You can even lube up someones buttox and fuck 'em that way, no penetration necessary.

There are a few different different kinds of lube
  • Water based
  • Silicon based
  • Hybrid 
  • Oil based 
When selecting a lube, you want to use something body safe and compatible with any safer sex supplies, birth control methods or toys you may be using. A lot of lubes contain ingredients known as glycerine (can make the lube taste sweeter) or parabins (used as preservatives). These two ingredients can cause bad reactions in a lot of people. Some of these reactions include allergic reactions, yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis (BV). If you or your partner(s) have a sensitivity to any of these, stick with glycerine and parabin free lubes. I'll list some lubes for each type and indicate which are parabin and glycerine free. 

Water based lube pros and cons
  • Can be used with latex condoms
  • Can be used with non-latex condoms
  • Can be re-moistened with water 
  • Safe with almost all sex toys (non-porous) 
  • Easy to wash off when you're done 
  • Can dry quickly
  • Can develop a tacky/sticky feel as they dry
  • Not as great for anal sex due to their quick drying power 
Water based lubes that i've tried personally:
  • Liquid Silk
  • KY Jelly
  • Astroglide
  • Gun Oil H2O*
  • JO H20 
  • Sliquid H20*
  • Wet Original
  • Pink water based* 
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 

Silicon based lube pros and cons
  • Stays slippery for a long time
  • Can be used with latex condoms
  • Can be used with non-latex condoms
  • Can be re-moistened with water 
  • Great for buttsex 
  • Can't be used with all sex toys. Some lower grade silicon toys can degrade when exposed to silicon lube. Please only use high quality, body safe sex toys. 
  • Can be difficult to wash off, you'll need soap. 
Silicon Based Lubes:
  • Gun Oil Silicon*
  • JO Premium*
  • Wet Platinum*
  • Pink Silicone*
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 

Hybrid lubes are silicon/water based hybrids and can be great if you're looking for an in between type lube. 

Hybrid Lubes
  • Gun Oil Loaded
  • Sliquid Natural Silk 
* Parabin and Glycerine free :)

Oil based lube pros and cons

  • Stay super slick and rarely need to be "revived" (with water or spit)


  • Not safe to use with latex condoms 
  • Can be difficult to wash off

Oil Based Lubes:
  • Boy Butter
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 

Other lubes:
  • Flavored lubes: I would strongly recommend avoiding these, only because the sugar content in them to make them taste good can also cause some nasty crazy bacterial imbalances. If you want to use them, try them on somewhere that isn't a mucous membrane, like the chest or neck. 
  • Warming lubes: Mixed reviews depending on how you react to the sensation. They tend to be a hate it or love it kind of thing. I don't have a lot to say on these at the moment since i don't use them in my sex, but if that changes there will be an update. 
I was sent 3 lubes by Gun Oil to test out a couple of months ago. Because i'm into through product testing if sent something, i've spent the last 2 or so months using these lubes in my sex with most of my partners. Daddy seems to like Pink water based a lot, as he steals my bottle constantly to use for masturbating so i have to go look for it in various places throughout our house. Thanks Daddy. 

Their new line of items marked to people with internal parts called PINK. A water based lube, a silicon based lube and a warming lube (which i was unfortunately not able to use give my issues with some lubes. If that changes i will update this post but for now i'm afraid of it as i am all warming lubes). As i say this i'm really tempted to go open the bottle and do stuff with it. Man, my masochism knows no bounds when i'm horny. 

Pink Water Based was a great lube. It ran into the same troubles that i usually run into with water based lubes which include mostly drying out or getting tacky too fast. The lube is more viscus than a totally "liquid" lube, but it's not quite a gel. I've found i have a preference for gel lubes, especially for anal. I mostly used this lube vaginally and other than the drying out i found it very pleasant and with little taste. I routinely go back and forth from oral to PIV so taste is important to me. If anything it was slightly salty but easy to ignore. There is no odor with this lube, unlike say, astroglide which has a very medical smell to it. Clean up was really easy, a baby wipe or toilet paper took care of any excess and it washed off easily in the shower. If you're looking for a body safe and toy safe lubricant, i would absolutely recommend Pink water based lube. 

Pink Silicon was very comparable to my Gun oil (they are the same company). I've been using it for anal now for a couple months and do enjoy it a lot. Like most silicon lubes it can get slightly tacky to the feel, but can be revived with more lube or spit. I didn't find the lube dried out anything. I used it a lot with my Njoy pure large plug (my go-to buttplug at the moment) and loved how it felt. This lube doesn't have much of a taste either but since i'm using it for mostly anal penetration i didn't get a lot of it in my mouth.  Clean up is pretty standard for silicon lube; shower and soap. I didn't notice any odor with this lube at all. 

All in all, i enjoyed using the Pink products a lot. I am madly in love with my Gun Oil loaded (which does have parabin in it, but NOT glycerine). I would grab the Pink Water based again to use. But i like Gun Oils original product just as much, i also have a thing for guns.. The bottles were both set up as locking pump type bottles which made using them and storing them VERY easy. I never had an issue with a bottle of lube opening up in my bag or making a mess anywhere. I usually travel with at least 2 types of lube in my toy bag at any given time as well as few toys and my beloved hitachi wand, so keeping the toy bag lube free is a top priority of mine. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Let's talk about Fusion... #DOFusion14

Like i surmised.. Fusion was a weird event for me. Don't get me wrong, i really did have a good time. But for the most part, navigating that event was like wandering through a maze. I made it out at the end but i'm not sure how i got there. I've been processing a lot of stuff since i got home, when i'm not sleeping.

Good, amazing and wonderful things

  • I asked someone i've never really met before to play, or at least talk about playing. That didn't happen, but we did chat and i've got the biggest fangirl crush ever. This was a huge step for me because i am god awful at asking others for play, especially if i don't know them that well. 
  • Had a scene with someone i've played with before that involved a lot of punching, including cunt punching! I like cunt punching. I was so sore. Taking out my VCH is a really good idea before hand... 
  • I had an *amazing* rope scene with someone i've played with very very lightly before that pushed me in ways i didn't realize i could be pushed in rope. I don't really consider myself a ropey person. I usually describe myself as the worlds worst rope bottom. But i didn't have any of my usual problems. Dynamic suspension. I was even single foot for a minute. I never thought i would be able to handle that. Oh and there was boots. On my face and in my cunt and everything that makes me a happy melty puddle of goo. I remember how i felt, and pushing my body to its stretching limit. But i really hope one of the photographers got a few of that scene. It was outside KIC on the bamboo rig. I almost never see myself in rope and i love playing with those i actually seem to have some kind of chemistry with. 
  • Pain with rope with another partner. Two rope scenes? You'd better believe it. Humiliation, exposure and some objectification. I played in the dungeon! And I CRIED! It was amazing. 
  • I had a really intense public humiliation scene with my trainer. He took me out front of sex o rama (on the grass) and brutalized, fucked and abused me until he was done. We tried face punching, and did a lot of face slapping, and throat fucking. Apparently i squirt if you  bite my feet... I don't know how i feel about that. I think that's pretty fucked up. He hooded me and then wrote a lot of awful stuff on me. I hope next time he uses permanent markers... 
  • I was bacon table at the IE Extravaganza on Saturday night. I love being a table. Being human furniture is great. Table, footrest, anything. I just wish that sometimes people would treat me more like a table. Trying to eat food off of me in a sexy manor will *never* be hot. I'm sorry. I just like to be a table. For those of you asking about how to remove food off of me, or treat me, thank you. Also, thanks for not fucking the table. That isn't what i'm there for. I was, however, leashed to the table legs by my cunt piercings. Unfff. 
  • I co-hosted our first big event Cigars Boots and Chocolate social with Daddy and my sister. It was spectacular! I prepped at least 40 cigars, and did finally get to smoke myself at the end of the night. I taught so many people about cigars. One of the things i absolutely love is picking out cigars for people. 
  • I did dinner service for some friends of ours and learned how to prep and maintain a hookahs. 
  • I taught two classes for Fusion, Pet Play: Do it Like an Animal and Forming a Relationship with Pain. This was the first time i taught the pain class and i think it went really well. 
  • I socalized and met FAR more people this event than last Fusion. This was both a good and a not so good thing. I have a limit for how much peopling i can tolerate and hit that wall a few times over the weekend. If you came into KIC and into cabin K and i was just on the bed not doing anything that was me hitting that wall. A big thanks to my friends for chilling out and just letting me be weird if i needed to be weird. 

Weird stuff and processing

Ive never gone to an event where i didn't have someone there 'with' me, aka, being some kind of primary play partner or sharing my bed. I process almost everything i do play wise via touch and cuddling and fucking at night in the morning is a lot of that. I had some sex at the event but not nearly as much as i would have liked. Operating with other peoples schedules makes doing things difficult. Things like playing or fucking or even sleeping together. I spent a lot of the event feeling like an awkward third wheel which was difficult. All of my regular and casual partners had someone (at least one someones) there with them.

Friday night after service, i wanted to spend a little alone time at the site where my sadist buried me last year. I was not prepared at all for someones tent to be on the exact spot the hole was. That fucked with me in a really, really bad way. My sadist could not come out to the event and i wanted those few minutes to remember what we did last year and get some closure on him not being there with me this year. When i was denied that opportunity, it really fucked with me. I remember standing in the field seething at this tent. I don't even know whose tent it was. But someone saw me giving this tent (and presumably) its occupant a serious stink eye and started making faces at me. To those people, i'm sorry. I couldn't verbalize what i wanted in that moment, and i wouldn't have had a conversation with people i didn't know about this. I know how stupid it sounds, being upset about a used-to-be-hole in the ground... But i don't know. I don't accept change well and this was the *one* connection i would have had to him while i was at camp. My mood caused me to cancel a scene i'd had set up for that evening. I was in a bad place. Luckily i have a really great support network of people who understood.

A majority of the scenes i did this year at Fusion weren't sexual, which was hard. I literally can't separate sex and kink. I can have 'just' sex, but i can't do 'just' bdsm. If we're playing, i'm turned on even if nothing is touching or penetrating or fucking. I'll need to make some adjustments for next year, or next event. I can do some play without having to include sexual contact, especially if it's someone new. But for the most part, i don't feel like my needs are being met if i can't get release in some way. When we got back home from camp i was so horny, i still am. Apparently that's the reason why. For me to do a ton of scenes in that way is not a really great thing for me.

I need to do all my pet play stuff in the first day or so of events.. If i do it any later, my masochsim takes over and i'm in too much pain to do four legged pet play.

I should bring some slightly warmer clothes to camp.

All in all, i really did have a good event, i just wish i could have gotten more out of it.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Bitch Magazine: Tina Belcher's Sexual Revolution

I'm a huge fan of Bob's Burgers, and i really enjoyed reading this article. I agree with most of what's said. I love the idea of teen sexuality not being something to be afraid of.

Saturday, May 3, 2014