Monday, July 4, 2016

DO Fusion '16: In Which I am the Hottest Mess

So... Fusion. 2o16. Holy shitoley.

Warning; this is quite a feels dump.

I had exactly the camp I needed. I was so worried that it was going to be bad. And don't get me wrong... Wednesday and Thursday were sort of clusterfuckey for me. I wasn't sober much those two days because I was having trouble dealing with my own head.

I had to come to terms with the depths of my own loneliness and actually accept it. For real, not just for pretend. It's been a really hard road. This was the first event I've been to as a single, functional person. I felt incredibly alone Wednesday and Thursday nights. I actually had pangs of it all throughout the event but some days were easier to deal with than others.

I'm really impressed with myself for being able to form meaningful connections with new people and actually enjoy myself. I find it so incredibly difficult to trust people. I identify strongly with the Stray Dog. Once upon a time had a home and a warm bed with someone to curl up with and feel safe with, and a collar and I no longer have those things. Although I think camp was the first time in a long, long time I didn't feel myself instinctively reaching for my used-to-be collar. Going to bed alone was even more difficult than usual because I could see the couples in my cabin having good times with their partners and every night I got into a cold bed alone.

I found myself unable to talk to people, especially people I was interested in, at all. I don't know what my brain was doing or why it was having such a problem but I am glad I was able to get over it. I used non-sober me to go up to people and talk to them and tell them to find me when I was sober because I was not in a place where I could consent to anything at all. And some of them did actually come back and find the next day when I could talk about things. AND THEN SOME OF US ACTUALLY DID THINGS TOGETHER. What a novel idea, playing with people at sex camp.

I had a ton of vanilla sex and that was exactly what I needed. Being able to connect with people physically. Be ok being touched, in a lot of really intimate and non-typical ways for me. I spent a lot of time with hands and mouths on me and that isn't usually how I have sex, but I really, really enjoyed myself.

I let my big fucking mouth get me into trouble. Twice. And it was totally worth it. I gave my roommate instructions to find me some pretty people with some specific things (gender identity, kink orientation, ec] and she TOTALLY delivered.

I found my love for hosting cigar socials all over again.

I left camp so very happy.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

On Names, the past and the future.

I'd like to be called Wren from now on.

Wren, pronounced Ren.
I know this seems like it's been coming out of nowhere, but in reality, I've been struggling with names for a long time. My old name, indey, just doesn't sit with me anymore. Hearing it sometimes hurts, and sometimes doesn't. And not knowing if it will fall wrong on my ears when someone I care about says it, is actually worse for me than knowing I don't like it. That is why I felt the need to change.
The name indey has a lot of mental baggage associated with. Baggage that makes the name cumbersome and uncomfortable. I twinge when I hear it, even if you don't see me do it on the outside.
Indey used to be my puppy name, short for Indiana. Where Kamm was from. It's a name that I decided to use as my scene name shortly after I got involved in the public community. There are a number of exes who call me by that name, when or if they still even talk to me. For a number of reasons, I just want to make it go away.
I can't express my appreciation enough for those of you who have been privy to my name struggles and who have put up with those attempted changes before. An awesome roommate, a great friend who has been down to visit recently, and a lovely leopard come to mind specifically.
So if you could, make a little mental note. Change the name you have me under in your phone, or on your email. I will politely offer correction if someone calls me the wrong name, it's bound to happen.
A wren is a bird. There are several species common in North America and there are some beautiful examples in Australia, especially. I love birds and identify strongly with them.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Getting Dirty: Boot Blacking Basics

Boot blacking, at it's core, is a very simple process.

Your basic boot black kit consists of a few general things:

  • A tote or box to carry your items 
  • Spray bottle, filled with water, small travel sized. 
  • Black and neutral wax polish in your preferred brand
  • Black and neutral cream polish in your preferred brand
  • A leather conditioner 
  • A leather-safe soap 
  • Brushes [soap brush or sponge, a brush for the cream polish and a brush for the wax polish]
  • A few rags for cleaning
  • Buffing cloth, or preferred shine tool 
Your kit can grow as you do. My kit is larger than this and includes a few extra items I've found to be very beneficial. My preferred wax polish is Lincoln, I usually have at least a black and a neutral. My preferred cream polish is meltonian and I usually have a few different colors in my kit. I'd recommend starting small and seeing what you need. If you have boot blacks in your area, you can always ask them what they prefer. I have several conditioners on hand that are used for different things, but for a starter I'd recommend Chelsey leather food, in natural/neutral. It's an all around good conditioner you can use on pretty much anything. My preferred buffing cloth is a microfiber sock. 

Other helpful things I have in my kit
  • Super glue gel [used for basic repairs]
  • Tooth brush [great for getting mud off of the cat walk of the boot]
  • Extra dauber brush [gets soap out of hard to reach places]
  • Q-tips 
  • Paracord [for making new laces]
  • Lighter [burn off fuzzies, and melt paracord ends] 
  • China markers, yellow and white [re-coloring the stitching on Doc Martin's] 
The general process for boot blacking [high or medium shine]
1. Inspect the boot 
2. Remove laces [if necesary]
3. Soap and clean the boot
4. Condition if necessary
5. Polish boot 
6. Re-lace boot 

It's really really simple. Those general steps above are all you really need to do. Your exact tools and process will vary based on a few things, like the type of leather you are working with [oil tan, high shine, etc]. Oil tan leather is generally not polished. You only clean and condition. Suede and nubuck are treated differently as well. You do not put liquid water on suede or nubuck. That's another matter. 

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Looking for a Wireless Hitachi Magic Wand

I'd love to add the information and photos to my Hitachi Magic Wand Guide for the wireless hitachi units. However, I do not currently have the funds available to buy one for myself.

If there are any toy shops or vendors who would like to donate a unit so I can update my most popular blog post of all time on this blog, I would truly appreciate it. I can link back to your site or add a banner for your store or business or both, or really any other number of possibilities.

I am also looking for a counterfeit HV-26O unit to add as well. If you happen to have one, once again, please let me know.

Let me know what you would need. You can email me directly at

Monday, November 2, 2015

Where in Protocol Becomes A Thing

I've always wanted D/s. I identify as a sadomasochist because it's easier than actually admitting that the number of people I would actually submit to is minuscule and most people just honestly don't fit the bill. Doing the 'polite female' thing is just better for everyone.
Then I met someone. Whom I told over and over "I'm not emotionally available." "I'm broken." "You should find someone less damaged." "You're too nice to deal with this much baggage." Because pushing away someone who was genuinely nice to me, and interested in me, was easier than facing my feelings about what had been going on in my life, and what I wanted out of my life and what I would have to go through to be able to trust a new person in my life.
He didn't leave. He sat with me while I cried, this mostly-stranger. He bought me dinner. He let me cry on him. He didn't question me when my social anxiety and general I'm-still-working-through-feelings-about-my-last-relationship-ness got the best of me and I had to be the one to end our good time. He asked me about doing something in play while we were both inebriated. My consent wasn't enthusiastic enough so we didn't do the thing he asked about, despite me giving him the go-ahead. He didn't want me to regret something in the morning.
He liked me and wanted to stay around me, even when I told him to go.
"Do you really want me to go?"
"No... I want you to stay, but I don't feel like that is something I can ask of you. I don't know you. You don't know me. I want you to know that you can leave if you want to. You don't need to sit here and watch me cry."
He put his arm around me and he didn't leave.
He still hasn't left. I mean, he's not in my house or anything, but he's taken up residence right inside my brain. It's been a few months. We talk about D/s and what it is and what it means to me. Do I want it or not? I don't know.
I started to get an idea of what I wanted. I wanted to submit.
I get to see him again at GKE Classic. I asked him what he thought about doing some protocol stuff at the event. He was keen on the idea, so we discussed some things and some rules and some exceptions.
I sent him the below text in a Googledoc.

Geeky Kink Event Classic 2015 Protocol

Protocol goes into effect once Daddy is picked up from the airport. Ends at his discretion.
  • Property must ask permission to go to the bathroom
  • Exception: emergency or Daddy is sleeping.
  • Property will be plugged at Daddies request with chosen plug.
  • Exception: tummy upset or uncooperative ass
  • Property will insert plug in front of Daddy
  • Exception: dismissed by Daddy to plug alone
  • Training collar is to be kept on at Daddies discretion. Property may attempt to sleep in collar.
  • Daddy may choose to keep property close and can leash property to himself or to objects nearby.
I get to try out protocol. With someone who is really excited about it, and me, whom I'm really into. I love it. I love him.
I never thought I'd be here, typing this or thinking about it or writing up a protocol sheet in Googledocs to send to someone I like. A lot. Now look at me.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Finding positive.

The entry below is a response I wrote to a person inquiring about a type of edge play I've done in the past; consensual mysogeny. 

Some of it has been slightly edited to make more sense to a general audience, but I thought it would be a good way to start the conversation. What do you do when you encounter a type of play that you find uncomfortable within the general scope of the community? 
You're going to find a lot of stuff in the scene that is going to make you uncomfortable. There are still things I don't want to witness or be a part of, and that is where an amazing phrase called "My kink is not your kink, and that's OK" comes in. You're absolutely free to acknowledge and avoid types of play you don't favor. Everyone does it, everything has something, no matter how mundane you think it may be, or how revolting or unsettling it may be. This area (the one I live in) is very accepting of a lot of types of edge play that other areas aren't. Even going a few hours north will get you out of that zone. Some of it has to do with local (play) culture, some of it has to do with zoning. But when it comes down to it, this area is very ripe with a lot of rougher stuff.  
Almost every type of fetishism has something taboo attached. That is part of what makes it appealing. Think about something "accepted" like anal sex or penetration or play. Part of what some people enjoy is the taboo. It's the same theory with any kind of edge or oppression play. There is master/slave, there is nazi/jew, there is consensual non-consent, also known as rape play. There is age play. Those types of play are most likely to get under peoples skin. And those kinds of play aren't for everyone. You are perfectly allowed to NOT LIKE THEM. Where the buck stops though, is where your feelings start to effect others. 
What bdsm comes down to, really is consent. Sometimes the line of consent can get a little blurred (it does for me, a lot, but that is how I personally prefer to play and my partners are aware of this). The first word in the consensual mysogeny thing is consent. The parties involved WANT to be involved. Would you find the opposite fetish as upsetting? Women (or those identified) who want to oppress (those identified as) men? What about forced feminization? What about humiliation, degradation? Objectification? Some oppression is gender neutral, does that trigger the same feelings for you? What about for someone like me? Who is female-identified (but not woman-identified) who WANTS this type of thing? I'm hoping that thinking through some of those questions can at least help you sort out your feelings on the matter. 
As you get farther into the scene and start developing connections with people, pushing limits, growing, doing your thing. Hopefully you will realize that this type of play takes a huge amount of mutual trust. Aftercare is so important (for me) with the play that I do, and not just for me, but for my partners as well. They want to know that they aren't monsters for getting off on what we just did. Sometimes I want to know that I'm not a monster for wanting it. 
And this got insanely long. I didn't mean to send you such a novel. But I am happy to discuss this farther with you, if you feel the want to keep talking. You'll always be entitled to your feelings and opinions, and don't be afraid to ask me questions. I do a lot of education on this stuff so people asking me uncomfortable questions is nothing new. I do urge you to judge people for who they are, not necessarily what they get off on behind closed doors. There are A LOT of people who seem like monsters if you just go by what they do with their consenting partners (hell, I might be one of them), but a lot of them are amazing, warm, caring people and I can say that from first hand interaction or play with some of them.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A note to my fellow caucasians.

Dear fellow white people,

You do not get to play the "I'm not racist card" just because you aren't out in the streets lynching people of color. This is the minimum bar to clear for not being a complete waste of life. Do better, I know you can. I have the faiths in you, you got this. Go do the thing.

You do not get to invalidate the experiences and feelings of people of color. You are not a person of color, therefor you do not know what it is like to be a person of color. Please keep your "but I've been oppressed, etc" talk to the conversations where that information is relevant. (Pro tip: this is not the conversation for "but I've been oppressed because of; weight, gender, sexuality, dress style, disability, etc. People of color are all of those things as well and experience those types of aggressions and issues on top of the racist undertone that permeates our entire society}.

Making the world "colorblind" does not fix racism and invalidates the experiences of people who's lives have been, are and are currently affected by the very real racism in this county (Speaking of the USA here}.

"But educate me!!!" is something you have the power to do. You have any of the following resources at your disposal:

  • Google and other internets.
  • Patient friends of color who will answer your possibly-offensive-but-I-mean-well questions. Don't fault them if they don't have the spoons. See the two other options I've given you. 
  • Great, informative posts from people of color who have taken the time out of their lives to educate people even though they don't have to.  I will link these later, I'm late for a thing right now. 

But EroticWetatomic, how can I be a better ally? I don't want to piss off persons of color. I want to help!

First of all, GREAT. Great on you. Let's talk about positive ways we can be the change we want to see.

First of all, acknowledge that white privilege is a thing and that as a white person you have benefitted from it at some point. (It's ok, say it with me, I'll hold your hand if you want}.

Second of all, when a black person, or other person of color says something about their experience with racism, don't be the first to jump into the conversation, and absolutely do NOT tell people how to act or feel. Do not mansplain to them. Do not go "but don't let words hurt you." Do not pass go, do not collect $2oo.

Third of all, let people of color have space where they feel comfortable. White people, we have LOTS of places to feel safe and accepted. When people of color make POC-only spaces, respect that. Don't ask why you're not included. Don't bitch at them for having a "secret club." Keep your bullshit on your person at all times.

Fourth of all, if people you know say shitty racist things, call them out on their behavior. The reason racism is so in in our society is because its everywhere. People get away with saying and doing shitty racist things because that's the default. We need to change it. I get that sometimes we can't, our families are the way they are sometimes, but there are places you can make a point. If a group of people are ogling and cat calling and using racial terms on the street, that's shitty behavior. Point it out. Publicly, if it's public. Go do the thing.

There are more things. I'm missing something I'm sure.

I'm EXTREMELY lucky that I have a lot of amazing friends of color who take time out of their day to talk about race and racism as an issue with me. They don't have to. I'm trying to spread some knowledge and use my white privilege for something good.

Really shitty comments will get mocked beyond reason.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

It happens every year

I stop updating for a few months. Sorry guys, my distraction right now is a puppy, and he's really great and he's been really great for me. Daddy said back in March we could (finally) get a dog and I found the perfect little mutt for us. He was 16 weeks old when we got him so he needs lots of attention.

Also, some of the stuff I'e blogged about previously, the break-ups I went through last year really took a toll on me. I'm not proud of that, but I haven't been playing because it's actually really hard for me to trust people enough to actually want to play or have sex with them. It's something I'm working through but it's not easy and there is no manual. I knew one of these people for four years, and they spent four years lying to me. It's a high hurdle to cross.

Daddy and I will be back at Dark Odyssey FUSION, hosting Cigars Boots & Chocolate as usual. I am really excited for that. We'll be at camp all week too, from Wednesday through Monday which is the longest time we've ever been at camp. Usually we're Thursday through Monday people.

Here are a few pictures of the little monster. I'm working on some other blogs and some other projects. I'll post again soon. I really do appreciate all the views I've gotten lately and especially how well my Hitachi wand guide has been received. It's really humbling.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Speaking out about Consent Violations, Missing Stairs, and other Shitty Things

Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss.

I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years.

I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name.

The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took the opportunity to start rubbing my clitoris with their hand. At this point I asked them what they thought they were doing because we hadn't discussed any sexual contact at all. I never told this person that manual stimulation on my clit is a hard limit because we never discussed any sexual contact. I didn't think this was something that needed to be brought up at all. I quickly ended the scene, forwent any aftercare and went back to my primary partner. I told him what happened and he was not happy. A short while later, I watched the same person who had touched me in a way I did not consent to, almost sexually assault someone else I knew. If another person had not stepped in and stopped that scene when they did, I have zero doubts that that encounter would have ended in anything other than rape.

After these incidents, I found out I was not the first, second or third person that this person had tried to push boundaries on.

The second encounter I had was at (now defunct but different and rebuilding) venue. I had been watching a scene that made me uncomfortable so I left the area it was being held in. On my way out I ran into someone I'd never met before and started talking to them. They were cute, and sort of award, but nice. We started talking about maybe doing a rope suspension scene. As we talked more and walked around looking for a space to do some rope, I became uneasy with the idea of a full suspension, and asked if we could just do floor work or maybe partial suspension instead. They said that was fine. We discussed hard limits and I said nothing sexual/no penetration or kissing. They asked about touching my breasts and playing with them and I said that was fine, but please don't cause pain to my nipples, they're really sore and sensitive lately.

We're tying and generally having a good time. I'm in a kneeling position in front of this person and to get me out of the kneel they grab me by the nipples and hike me up. I looked them in the face and said "I said not to be mean to my nipples, what was that?" At this point I'm tied in a TK and can't move my arms because they are tied behind me. The person I was playing with told me they forgot my limit and apologized. This actually happened again. They hiked me up by my nipples to get me out of a kneeling position. IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. My consent was violated twice in a room full of people. Many of whom i knew. At this point I was no longer comfortable interacting with this person but was tied up in their rope. By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine who had asked me to watch one of their scenes was having a scene. I told the person I was playing with "Oh, shit I completely forgot I have to watch **** do something, I'm going to go watch." And walked off, with their rope still on me. I waited until the scene I was watching was done and went back to the person to instruct them to take their rope off of me. I feigned tingly fingers for an excuse as to why we weren't playing anymore. They took their rope and I never heard from them again.

Instance three. At another (different and defunct) venue, I was doing a scene with someone I knew relatively well. They were a partner to one of my partners' partners, and we hung out often enough through other mutual friends and get-togethers. We had expressed interest in getting slightly sexual, through relatively safe contact; manual stimulation and some rope. I explained how it was extremely difficult for me to orgasm with manual contact and that if we wanted to do this, a hitachi would be required. Given my hands were bound, my partner was going to have to hold the hitachi, this is not usually something I allow, and explained that. My clit is very particular and it's really just easier for everyone if I generally keep a hold on my own vibrators.

Anyway, I'm tied up, my legs are frog legged and my arms are in a TK. We're really getting into what we're doing. And surprisingly, I'm about  to actually orgasm which for me was a big deal. I said something about being about to orgasm, at that point, my partner takes my hitachi away. This ruins pretty much everything for me. Orgasm control and denial is something I only do with people I'm in power exchange dynamics with. I asked them what they thought they were doing. "Oh I need to get going." Really. REALLY? They untied me, I got no offer of aftercare and they were on their way. I was fucking seething. How dare someone fuck with my orgasms without even asking. This person knew me relitively well. They knew me well enough that I'd talked about orgasms. In that moment, they didn't care.  I only spoke to this person very casually after this incident.

Instance four. I had a new sexual partner over. I thought that we were pretty sexually compatible. We'd spent a lot of time flirting and I was really eager to have a good time with a new person sexually. I took the time to explain that orgasm control and denial was NOT ok with me and that is was completely casual, vanilla sex. NO D/s elements, no kink elements past some general pain and wrestling around while fucking. This person agreed.

Anyway, we're having a good time, I'm riding this person and am about to orgasm and... Shocker. They take my fucking hitachi out of my hand. And before I got violent (because we DISCUSSED this). I asked them what the hell they thought they were doing "Oh I thought it'd be funny." I got off of their parts and put my clothes back on. We sat in the front room of my apartment until their ride got here. I could not WAIT for this person to leave fast enough. We have an extremely superficial interaction now. I say hi when I see them at events. Maybe they've learned not to do this to other people? I don't really care. All I know is that they are no longer welcome in my bed and in my life.

This seems to be a trend. There are other instances of partners just being shitty, sexually that I'm not even mentioning here. But there is a marked trend for me and interacting with others sexually where they feel like my orgasms are legitimate orgasms? Or orgasms worth having? I really don't understand this. And it needs to stop.

Other people speaking out about their things have made me wanted to speak about mine. I may edit this and add more later, I understand that it's long.

Monday, February 2, 2015

I shouldn't have to keep saying this.

But stop touching people without their consent. At the last 2 events I've been two, I've had THREE people touch me, two of them being complete strangers.

Don't put your hand on someone's hip when you don't know them. Hell, don't put your hands on someone elses body or possessions if you don't know them.

Don't stick your head and face on me without my permission when I'm doing sushi table stuff. You want to keep your sushi table, right? I want to keep being a sushi table, but I get way skeeved out when someones face comes at me from nowhere and goes right towards my crotch. Not cool. You know what's even shitter? When I call someone on doing that and then they just walk away without saying anything. If someone else does this again, venue management WILL be talking to you and if I'm up for it, I will also be saying something to you because you need to be called on your shitty behavior. I do not care if you're new. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Don't poke someone in the stomach or side when you don't know how they're feeling or if they're ok with that.

Sometimes even people who LOVE being touched by others just have a time  where they don't want to.

To those of you who have been asking before you hug me or something, you guys are THE BEST. When I'm socially overwhelmed (like I was at Krakens) it's incredibly helpful and it tells me that you respect my space and therefor respect me and my feelings. It gives me good feels when this happens.

I'm hypersensitive. When sound is already a problem, touch will compound that, in a bad way for me. Sometimes even just wearing clothes of a certain fabric will cause me problems (regular stiff 100% cotton shirts are out of the question). I'm not saying these things because I'm a bitch, I'm saying these things because I'm tired of other people taking liberty with my body and my feelings.

If we have ongoing implied consent, YOU WILL KNOW. If we don't, just ask. That is ALL I'm asking for.

Edited to add:
I am NOT referring to polite excuse me or shoulder taps or the accidental butt to butt sliding that goes on when you're at a crowded event or there are large groups of people. If I'm in someones way, a shoulder tap is totally fine. It's not intrusive and I'm probably in the wrong being in the way anyway. I'm talking about people grossly taking advantage of space or exposed skin or people.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

House of sticks

I know I haven't written in a long time. Longer than my typical winter hiatus. My usual break is caused by the usual work and holiday clusterfuck, no personal time, mandatory work over time. This break was partly caused by that, and mostly caused by something else; people being cowards. People not handling their own shit. Me not being able to speak for myself, or just not realizing fast enough.

I thought something was wrong with me, for a long time. Maybe I was too queer, or too queer looking. Or too fat. Or not sexual enough. Or too sexual. Or a bad partner. Or ugly. Or my hair was too short.  Or my house wasn't nice enough..  Or especially, that the kind of play I'm into and the kinks I have aren't ok and I should feel bad for being into them. That was a really big one... I'm not saying these things because I need reassurance or support in not thinking them. I'm saying them because this is the part of relationships people don't talk about.

I don't really want to go into specifics. The people I'm referring to (I assume) feel badly about what they did, and how they treated me, or what they said to me, or what they didn't say. I hope they can at least learn from their mistakes and treat other people better in the future, or use this experience to get a better handle on their own lives and solve some of their internal issues. Maybe we can be friendly again in the future. Maybe we can't. I really, actually, honestly don't know.

My trust in people was burnt down to nothing. For the first time in my life, it's something I've had to actually rebuild. In my head I imagined my trust as a little house of sticks, then a little house of straw, and then a little house of bricks. Right now I'm like a dog, standing with one stick in its mouth. It may only be one stick, but it's my stick and it's the first step in rebuilding my tiny trust house of sticks.

It's taken me over 6 months to even want to come back to the community. It's taken me six months to want to sit down and write this and get it out. Believe me, I've tried to do so before. But all that came out was anger, and hurt. Those emotions aren't me. I held my energy until I could focus it in a way where personal growth would be the outcome and not rage or revenge. A conversation with a friend helped me see through a lot of things today. This isn't my fault. And while I clung to the notion of a good play partner (more than one, actually, this is not about a single person), they weren't good partners to me and I can't base my faith or trust for all people in the actions of a few people.

I'm taking things very slowly. I'm planning on attending Winter Fire, but I'm not absolutely sure.

Play has always been so hard for me. It's not going to get any easier. All I do know is that I have a few more guidelines to operate in and I'll have no problem speaking for myself in the future. Causal play leaves me deeply unfulfilled. My community, the Dc/Balt community is very casual-play focused. That isn't something I find fulfilling. If you've asked me to play any time in the last... year and I've said no, that is why. I don't want casual. I don't want long distance. I don't want one-off scenes, or "maybe we can do a thing at X event," I really just want to find someone who wants to focus on me, and who I can focus on, D/s wise. It's a tall order to fill, and as cagey as I am right now, I'm not expecting anyone to volunteer as tribute.

Cigars Boots & Chocolate will be on the return. Kamm and I have been discussing a lot of things to open that back up again.

All of that said. If you have a problem with me, or I've hurt you in the past... Come talk to me about it, if you'd like. If I'm unaware of my slight towards you I'll never be able to make it right. And if I do stand behind my words, you deserve to know why if you'd like to.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Blank Erotica

I’ve still got most of my clothes on. You’re standing over me, i’m on my knees looking up at you. You want me to watch you  be terrible to me. You want me to make eye contact. You want me to tell you what a worthless piece of meat i am and that i deserve everything you’re going to give me. You’re going to use me as a sloppy wet fuckhole for your pleasure. You don’t give a shit if i like it or not, it isn’t about me. This is all about you. What you want. What makes your dick hard. 

You cradle my face in your hands, i’m teary eyed just from terror alone. You haven’t done much to me but thats about to change. The soothing touch starts to tighten until you’re compressing my neck. My vision starts to tunnel and i struggle to get away, but i can’t. I grab at your forearms  and tug but i don’t have enough leverage. I lean into your legs and you let go. 

I lean against you as i catch my breath. I can feel your weight shift, i know you’re coming after me. I recoil from your attempted grasp but i’m too slow. I end up leaning back and you force me down, belly up. You’re on top of me. Your right hand grabs my jaw and you slap me a few times with your left. If i wasn’t crying before i probably am now. You lean back, letting me wheeze and catch my breath. You pull a knife out of your pocket and i catch a glimpse of the metal through my teary vision, i stiffen. You draw it across my throat and involuntarily i relax. 

You grab my shirt and slide the knife beneath it, i squirm but not a lot, i don’t want you to cut me. I whimper as the fabric loosens. You tear the shirt the rest of the way off and lean down over me. I feel your hands squeeze my tits and i arch my back to try to relieve the pain, it doesnt help. I don’t know where the knife is. “You’d be fighting back harder if you didn’t want this” Im conflicted on where i am about that.. I weakly grab at one of your hands, the one i’m sure doesn’t have the knife. Anything to free my chest. I want to bite you, but i don’t have a good angle and if you catch me, well, it’ll get a lot worse.

You get off me and grab my collar, heaving me up by the neck, i make some guttural noise of displeasure. You half march half drag me to the bed and throw me over, feet still on the floor. I’m still wheezing. I feel your hands grab the waste of my pants, they’re big, you probably won’t even need the knife to cut through them, you could just slide them off me without a belt. “Spread your legs” when i don’t comply fast enough you punch me in the back. SPREAD THEM. I get the message, opening my legs and crying. You force your knee against my cunt and i hate myself because i want it. 

I can’t bring myself to fight you. Either i can’t catch my breath or you’ve just already overpowered me. It isn’t like that’s difficult for you. You take your knee out of my cunt. “Turn over” i scramble to comply. I prop myself up a little bit, but still cower. I don’t dare close my legs. You put the blade of the knife right over my clit. I hope the jeans aren’t worn. You pull the blade away and smack me on the thigh with it, i want to curl up but i can’t, i won’t. You do it again. I grasp your opposite side “don’t you fucking touch me” i recoil, shaking. Eventually you just want the pants gone, you grab the material around my hips and tug, they slide off, hell they could have been half way gone with all the struggling already. I feel exposed and vulnerable. My panties are wet. 

“Look at what a fucking slutty mess you are” you smack my cunt and i moan, trying to close my legs. You grab my knees and force them back open. “This should be on display, it’s a shame there aren’t other people here to use you. Guess you’ll just have to settle for me.” I try to struggle backwards, to get more on the bed, not feel so layer open. You’re onto of me in a second, toying with me. You antagonize me. You want me to fight back. Pokes here, slaps there, maybe a punch to the leg. Eventually you get me worked up enough, i start trying to punch you in the chest, stomach, leg, anything i can get my fists near. This delights you, i don’t like it when you smile. You tire of my pathetic game and grab my wrists with one hand pinning them back over my shoulder, i squirm. You smack me around with your free hand.

I can feel your cock pressing against me as you lean over, your legs lock mine in place and i feel your teeth against my breast, i buck under you, i know whats coming and i don’t want it. I struggle and cry as you bite down, my cries become sobs as it takes you longer and longer to let go. I can’t even process it. You look me in the eye and spit on me. You grab the knife from the safe place you had put it before and slash the rest of my clothes off.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

How to not get a positive response: Actual email version.

Once upon the time, on the internet, I had a profile up on one of the many BDSM "looking for" sites. And the below is what someone thought would be even remotely appropriate to send to me.

Let's see if we can't play creeper bingo.

I actually think this dude read my profile, at least enough to see that I have a vagina, like things put in it, and am interested in a D/s relationship. Apparently to him anyone looking for D/s means M/s, because of the amount of times he refers to slaves. Fun fact bro, I'm not a slave. I'm not planning on being a slave, and sending emails like this to people is grounds to get horrible things done to your nads.

My brain liquified and started seeping out my noise while I was reading this.

I've left the message intact in it's appearance, formatting included. I just removed his initial at the end.



Bravo lady! Talk about having a head on your shoulders! Before we begin anything, I have to disclose that I am also in a relationship of sorts, it is a M/s dynamic. We intend for selective open, but we have not crossed the rubicon yet. Before anything could progress, that would be a full clemency between all partners. I have had things go poorly in the past, another party omitted for lust. Naughty little thing. That may take time. Gives us time to get to know one another. I do not believe in deception or omission. slave will know of my intention and invention shortly *grin* Either way, that stated, I would love to discuss terms, if not as an immediate, as a curiosity of compatibility. From what I have read, you are my mirror image. My yin. Due to the extremity of what we both desire, neither of us should beat around the bush, or have anything less than total trust. AGREED!!! You can be raped and murdered, I can go to jail for thirty years, so yes, negotiation is an imperative, trust as well. Yes, I am aware that terms should be negotiated. The negotiation, regardless of ultimate intention, should be done as equals, if only for the moment, until trust and compatibility are established. Even if we are not a good fit for the dynamic, I would love to get to know you as a friend. You have a very unique mind. A blunt sincerity. Very valuable. Very rare. My slave would love you. There are few enough players who shoot for something so involved as bleeding all over a plastic sheet. .grin. Not so long ago, I had to dexter the apartment after a blood caning, so much fun, SOOOOOO much mess. Apparently, forensically clean apartments are my specialty lol. To be fair, I opted out of clubs for the most part. Every so often we go out. We prefer hosting private gatherings, or going to private and more exclusive parties with vetting. LESS DRAMA!!! Thank the gods!!! I like your scenario of it being full time, but severe and absolute when we are together. It sounds fucking wonderful. All the benefits of day of slavery, none of the complications of owning day to day. A breath of fresh air lol. Jking. I am joking, owning is a joy. A complete joy, even when there is complication, or emotional duress in her life. It is just another reason to be on top of my shit. So, as far as not being full time, I love it. Talking here and there throughout the week, friendly, just checking in, that would matter. So, when it is on, it is on... All this equals shit, gets put away and the kid gloves come off. Understood? I say it, you do it. Once there is trust established, there should be no reason for you to question an order, or if you do, no reason I should not put you to your knees and have you lick my boot and get in worship. My orders will never negate your health, or well being. They may compromise your morale on occasion, but that is half the point. No? As far as expectations with play, when you mention your specifics my mind races with potential. My experiences and my desires lean towards the extreme, and I do have the knowledge to back it up and ultimately ensure safety. Asphyxiation; bagging, hands, cords, belts, rubber tubing, waterboarding, knife play (surgical perfection, I leave the scar I intend, sometimes artistic, sometimes no scar at all; my preference, with your agreement, case by case.) Bull whips, yes you will do it, and you will like it ROFL. I have been using them since my teens, my misses are no more than 3 inches, and never near a vital organ. I will bleed you! Caning, no limits. You take what I give you, you thank me, maybe ask for more, if I am not to tired. Needle play... I love needles. S'jambok... full throttle! Flogging, eh.. it can be fun. But none of that sensual shit. I prefer chain to rope. shackles and manacles to leather. collar and lead, outfits; I pick em, you wear em! Marionetting/ puppeteering (my invention; or so I think... taught bondage, tippy toed, little wiggle room at the torso and legs, then your skewered at pressure points to provoke a sort of dancing response. Full body domination at it's best.) I can do surgical stitches and would love to keep you quiet, here and there.. Or ensure chastity for a few days, at least in one hole (evil grin,) Psychological domination, fear tactics, behavior modification through long term exposure to stimuli = ME!!! Never tell me your fears, or your fantasies, I will warp them into something abysmal you could never have fathomed. Boot camp style exercise, I will scream and kick, and push you to your absolute limit. Interrogation 'roleplay' and what you did you do with your week slave? Are you sure? Nothing your missing? Nothing to admit? Begin torture, elicit the truth I want to hear, continue torture for the shits and giggles of it. No right answer. Poor you! I have been wanting to do more with prods, stun guns, electrical play in general, but is my slaves only hard limit. Wooooe is me, right? lol. I am dreadful with rope. No shibari, nothing pretty, just impossible to get out of. rape play, and involved kidknapping scenes (if desirable.) Physical domination... You do what I make you do. Whether it be throwing you to the ground and doing controlled kicks before anal penetration, or jerking your collar to kiss you, it will be abrupt, unpredictable, and undeniable. And often. Pressure points, I know many, and I love using them. Even if just cuddling, you will be poked, prodded, and explored. Fisting and large insertion, without training. So much more enjoyable that way. Plenty of lube, but ruin a good fuck hole through regular use? Out door play (woods and derlict buildings, cemeteries too.) Subtle public play with the vanillas. Just enough to get us off, but not enough to alarm the authorities. lol. Fuck that noise. So much more. I have my check list. If things progress, we will go over it, it will take hours. It will be done in one sitting. Grr lol. Damned standards and practices. lol. Oh, I do like video. I am considering hosting a porn site. Anyone who calls themselves my slave will likely be working for me at some point (VERY negotiable; if you don't want your face scene, I will put a full hood on you.) Video consent pre and post play is imperative and not optional. During play is negotiable. If we do go out, perfect service and adherence to all orders. If I play with another, you assist. Bring toys, clean toys, provide after care, so I don't have to be sweet. lol. I don't like clubs. I barely do them. If I do, you will be on your very best behavior, or I will take the time to correct any sidetracking from the plan and the protocols agreed to. Sexual service, no denying me. Don't bother. It will always be painful. I do not make love, I cannot stay up if I wanted too. I prefer anal and brutal face fucking, you will be used in that way often. Generally, I do pleasure as a reward for good service. Only for above and beyond. So, if you are looking for someone who is going to compromise what he prefers, thats not me. Straight forward. Not in the mood, too bad. In pain from the last time, too bad. A little more pain never killed anyone. Short of a legitimate medical reason, I expect service. If that is agreeable, then that works for me. You can cry, you can beg for mercy, on occasion, I may actually give it. Don't expect it. If I have friends over and I know they are clean and have seen their paper work, you will serve in all propensities, as ordered, directed, or expected. If they are that close to me, they deserve your service. I will not put you in harms way, ever. I do not do casual acquaintances. If they are close to me, they will be good to you, and good for you (service with others is negotiable, but desirable.) Domestic servitude. If this goes well, you will assist in keeping things tidy, and ensuring my comfort, as a slave should. It will likely be at my slaves apt, or soon to be townhome. You two will work together, that is my hope. Serve together. Be as sisters in service, naughty sisters, but sisters nonetheless. It should be that uncomplicated, I imagine. It is time. : ) We've been discussing doing more with others, more and more so. We wanted to go solo for a while. No intention of permanent mahogany (I refuse to say the word.) It was our desire (my idea) to breed solidarity, trust, communication, before adding others into the mix. I think we may be there. I will consult her. I don't order that one. We discuss it. I just happen to get more say lol. At some point, I intend on a poly household, Me, another Dom/ Domme, or two, and several slaves. It will be a five year goal. Something with land and privacy. That is my hope. That is why I will consider doing dirty things online with the people I care for lol. Provide something beautiful and peaceful and lasting. There is always more... that is a good beginning. I am do not compromise, I do consider. If we are not a good match, we'll determine that and proceed as either friends, or as people who once talked. Catch and release. I wish you the best your search. I think you are a marvel. I think I would enjoy owning you a great deal. I hope you will respond. ~ [Dude]

This is why we can't have nice things.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I've been told that my consent isn't enough.

I was asked to put this in a writing:

There was more of this that I wanted to address, but people have already gotten there. The one thing that is missing is this:
These people are not healthy. Even if it is consensual. Consent doesn't make it OK to do harm.

This is another way to say "bottoms have no agency." Or "bottoms are damaged people." STOP IT. JUST STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Consent is exactly what makes it okay to do harm. Stop telling people that consent isn't enough. Because if consent is not enough than we are not adults and have no right to partake in any of this. I'm upset and frustrated at this train of thought being continued.

It's been MONTHS of this; Bottoms can't consent. Bottoms can't this, or can't that. Bottoms are damaged people. Etc, etc, etc.

Consent is what we do. Consent is what we deal with. If you aren't ok with someone else giving consent for an act, then you know what you do?

You fucking leave.

You take your two feeties,  your toys, your stuff and you turn around and walk away.

If you have a question about consent violation, or abuse? Find the appropriate person, persons or group to take it to. But stop disguising it as this fear mongering, submissive/bottom-you-can't-handle-yourself bullshit.

Figure out your actual problem and go address that. Stop blaming edge play for abuse. Edge players aren't any more damaged than non-edge players. Wanting to engage in edge-play is not a mental illness.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

PSA: Don't spank me.

I'm generally pretty good about dictating or negotiation my regular interactions with others. Sometimes I'm huggy, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I prefer a handshake, sometimes I want a kiss. I communicate these needs if you're someone I routinely interact with related to them.
Close friends I'm generally ok with being hugged by. I will let you know if this is not the case (like if I've got a busted rib or other injury). Or if I just don't want to be glomped when arriving at an event.
I don't like to be touched intimately by people I don't know well. It's not you, it's just how I am. 
I'm generally very ok with these interactions but there is one thing I need to speak up about because I say something about it over and over again.
Spanking me is a hard limit. I don't like spanking. I can't process spanking. For the love of whatever god is your homeboy, DO NOT SPANK ME OUTSIDE OF A SCENE. 
Don't spank me when I'm on a train. Or on a plane. Or in a car or at the bar. Don't spank me. When I'm bending over to change, or get something out of my bag. Don't spank me. 
Don't spank me or hit my ass unless you approach my face and go "indey//Jayne, I'd like to spank you, is that alright?" and then I verbally tell you "Yes (person) I would like you to spank me."
If the above has not happened 
This isn't difficult. I'm getting tired of people making assumptions about me and my body and my space. Even if we have some kind of ongoing/implied consent, don't do it. 
I don't care what kind of play I do, or how "hard" of a bottom I am. Or how much I ID as a masochist and love pain. DON'T SPANK ME. I understand that a lot of people see a friendly butt patt as a greeting, or an expression of humor, or whatever, but it is not that for me. Don't do it. 
Spanking is a soft limit for me inside of scenes. I negotiate spanking if it is a thing we will do. No talk about spanking means no spanking.
So, to nutshell this bitch, if you're sneeking up behind me thinking it would be a great interaction with me to grab or smack my bum and then run off giggling or trill, don't. You damage your interaction with me every time you do this. I am not going to simply allow this gross violation of my personal space, body and boundaries. This community is built on consent. Go fucking get some.
This is my plea to you, my community. My friends. My acquaintances. My strangers. My partners. My lovers. Please allow me to feel safe in spaces and around you and interact with you.  
This post has been inspired by @MabMadder because if she can own her shit, than so can I. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

This is long and you don't have to read it. 19: thoughts on camp, relationships and other things.

It's been 19 days since I accepted that someone important to me no longer seemed to want me in their life. I'm still not sure what happened and I'm still not sure what to do about it, so for now that is on the back burner. This person has their own things to deal with right now and at the moment I don't think I'm comfortable being part of that.  

I'm upset, hurt, and angry that I allowed someone I trusted so deeply to blindside me like this. But I've worked through a lot of my feelings, the remainder are being sorted slowly, with a lot of backsliding and a lot of hesitnacy. I learned a lot. About myself. About how to interact with people, about how to listen to my gut when it says "hey, this thing seems werid, maybe you shouldn't do it." There was a lot of that. I may be done bending over backwards to please other people and that kills me. I may only offer that compersion if I find it being returned. 

I have to work to be able to give out my compersion. That love, that gift, that giving, will not come so easially now. My current partners are already dealing with this. They're doing a really good job in all honesty and it gets easier by the day. 

I can't even begin to tell those close to me how truly greatful i have been for their support, advice and shoulders. When I needed someone to cry on, they were there. When I needed someone to bitch to, they were there. When I needed advice on what to do, or what to say, they were there. When I needed a lap to curl up in, or a cup of tea, or a hug, they were there. When I needed someone to make me cry, when I needed someone to fuck me and not respect me, they were there. Not that I won't continue to need these things, but I know I don't have to worry about being an emotional burdeon on those I love, cherish and hold close. 

I've been at camp twice this year while things were bad for me. I want, so badly, to say "off" or "weird" or downplay it, but it wasn't that. It was bad. And that's OKAY. That's not to say I didn't have amazing times at camp (for both Fusion and SummerFest) I DID, and to those of you who assisted me in any way, I am extremely appreciatve. But I'm finding more and more that what I bring to camp when I arrive is what I experience and that was very very evident for me.

There were things I usually enjoy a lot that I couldn't even find the taste for, like service and sex. I had to work every day of camp  (at Summer Fest), and my service brain melded my existing want to serve to support work. I'm not in service to my job but that was how it felt. I was honoring my boss by doing work with a shitty internet connection from my cabin bed every morning and assinsting customers and answering their question and quelling their anger if their orders were botched. I spent at least two hours every day with one foot in my vanilla world and I can't do that again. 

I arrived at camp late Friday night, also because of work. I'm a person with social anxiety. It's not always there and sometimes I do a really good job pretending I'm an extrovert but that really isn't the case. I fool people a lot.  Getting to camp sometime on Thursday is good for me because i get to slowly fill the people bucket (that's less kinky than it sounds). I'm old news for most people by Friday because I've been there for a day. There's no rush to say hi to the puppy or hug me or something. I can go along at my own pace and everything is fine. Getting there Friday after registration is.. asking a lot out of me emotionally. 

Fusion was equally weird, you can read about that write up, its back in my writing history. I don't want to dig it up right now. 

I had a scene get rescheduled from Saturday night to Sunday that fucked with me a lot. I'd refrained from doing a few things earlier in the day that I would have done otherwise, but when at camp stuff can change, people do things, get their energy drained, shit comes up, whatever. I understand that. I always have a "but it's camp" clause at the end of my scheduled scenes that gives my scene partner an out if they need it because I only want to play if my play partner feels like THEY want to play with ME. See, I'm not comfortable playing if you aren't pretty much 100% into doing something with me. You might not be super gun-ho on the exact thing we're doing, but you should be enthusiastic about your interactions with me. For the record, I did eventually get that scene and it was transformative.  

It's been a long, long time since I've felt like someones priority, kink-wise. My limitation in partners does not help, this I know. I'm only comfortable with male ID'd people with whom I am attracted to and who can take certain roles. I like involving penetrative sex in my kink. I'm beginning to top, and branch out a little, but my true love is to bottom, to take the pain and the suffering from another that I trust. The fact that I'm involved with polysaturated people doesn't help. I'm not sure what does help but as a rough bottom flying solo at events is hard for me. (In before "but you're not alone, you have Kamm!"). Kamm and I don't have an extended D/s dynamic, and the parts of D/s that we do, aren't really campy. When we're at camp or kink events, his relationship with his D/s partner takes priority. This is our negotaited terms and I am comfortable with this. 

Kamm seems to have such an easy time finding play and romantic partners, and I'm too cagey. I'm too hesitant. It takes me so long to warm up to people emotionally or sexually or submissivly. Sometimes it can be years. Generally the connections I do end up forming are fufilling on some level. My biggest problem tends to be that my partners can't find enough time for me. That's not a terrible problem to have, but the priority thing. That hurts. And it isn't really even anyones fault. 

Something something, it gets better. Something someting, positive outlook. Something something, something something.  

I've been exploring different types of pain and play than those I used to do with someone else. I find myself needing to reclaim myself and my pain. That's why you might see me doing rope, or topping, or bottoming to people I wouldn't have bottomed to before. I'm exploring my own existance. I think I've lost my taste for D/s for the moment. That is related to the same circumstances I spoke about above. None of the dynamic I lost was D/s involved but the amount of trust I'd need to let someone be that close isn't a level where I'm willing to let others in to that point. I don't think it's fair to give someone unrealistic hurdles to clear. 

I've used bootblacking as a coping mechinism which has helped a lot. Being able to give that much of myself to something that, by it's very nature can't hurt me or disapoint me has been good. I did get to work on a lot of leather at camp.

I tried topping for the first time. I had a lot of fun but some stuff was really confusing for me. I'll see if I can work through that. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this writing. I wanted to vent a little, and talk about why I've been more down than usual lately. But also talk about some good things. Maybe I just needed to get out some of the sads. I haven't written in a while and this stuff has been rolling around my brain for a good minute. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Hey guys, how do I know if I have permission to post this picture?

Grab a seat kids, this is gonna be fun. There seems to be something extremely difficult about whether or not you can post a picture on your fetlife account or not. Here are a few simple tips to help you figure out if an image is OK to post!

Question 1: "Did you take this photograph?"
 If the answer is YES, you CAN post it! The cool thing about copyright is that as soon as you snap a picture (in any format) you own the copyright to that image! How fucking cool! Generally you want to get permission from the people (assuming there are any people ) in the photograph before posting it. You can use something called a model release if it's some kind of photoshoot, but I'll let you google that term yourself. You're smart, I believe in you.

Question 2: "Are you in this picture?"
If the answer is YES, then you CAN post it! How fucking cool! Generally, during a photoshoot (assuming we're talking about pictures of people here) the model may receive copies of the set shoot to post to their portfolio. I'd recommend getting permission from the photographer, but if they have released the pictures to you, generally you can post 'em where you wish. Don't forget to credit your photographer.

Question 3: "Are the things in the picture my things?"
If the answer is YES, then you can post it! SCORE!

Question 4: "Is the image of a meme or popular pop culture reference?"
If the answer is YES, than usually you can post them. Memes fall under a general free use category because they are assumed to belong to the internet. Memes tend to fall under emote images or emogees. They can rarely if ever be credited and are used heavily on almost all parts of the internet.

Question 5: "Does the picture contain artwork, like illustrations or paintings?"
If you created the artwork, you're good to go. If you didn't, this can become more difficult. It is ALWAYS recommended that you *credit the artist or photographer* if you are posting someone else's work.  It's the polite thing to do and it acknowledges their creative force and ownership of the material. Someone else worked hard to make that, please give them credit. A simple "artwork by Tammy" or "RTN photography" or a link back to their website is usually sufficient. That said, if you do this and someone asks you to remove the piece, please do what they say, especially if it's the original artist or photographer.

Question 6: "Hey, this picture has a warning on it, "Do not redistribute or repost", What do I do?"
That's SO easy. You follow the warning. If someone has submitted content to (websiteA) and you found it somewhere else (like websiteB), please don't exacerbate the problem by reposting that image somewhere else (like websiteC). If you have permission to post the picture, ask the person giving you permission to supply you with a differently watermarked image.

There you have it. 6 easy questions you can ask to see whether or not you can take a picture from the internet and put it in another place.

Have additional questions? Feel free to ask.

I'm a photographer, artist and designer by trade. My work is part of my livelihood. This issue is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and the fact that people think they can swipe shit off of google image search because it's "on the internet and therefor free" will never cease to piss me off.

Caveat: It's 11pm and I'm tired. This is more meant to be tongue in cheek but seriously, stop grabbing shit off of google searches and thinking you're an internet copyright expert. You're not. Do not pas go. Do not collect $200.