Friday, July 25, 2014

Hey guys, how do I know if I have permission to post this picture?

Grab a seat kids, this is gonna be fun. There seems to be something extremely difficult about whether or not you can post a picture on your fetlife account or not. Here are a few simple tips to help you figure out if an image is OK to post!

Question 1: "Did you take this photograph?"
 If the answer is YES, you CAN post it! The cool thing about copyright is that as soon as you snap a picture (in any format) you own the copyright to that image! How fucking cool! Generally you want to get permission from the people (assuming there are any people ) in the photograph before posting it. You can use something called a model release if it's some kind of photoshoot, but I'll let you google that term yourself. You're smart, I believe in you.

Question 2: "Are you in this picture?"
If the answer is YES, then you CAN post it! How fucking cool! Generally, during a photoshoot (assuming we're talking about pictures of people here) the model may receive copies of the set shoot to post to their portfolio. I'd recommend getting permission from the photographer, but if they have released the pictures to you, generally you can post 'em where you wish. Don't forget to credit your photographer.

Question 3: "Are the things in the picture my things?"
If the answer is YES, then you can post it! SCORE!

Question 4: "Is the image of a meme or popular pop culture reference?"
If the answer is YES, than usually you can post them. Memes fall under a general free use category because they are assumed to belong to the internet. Memes tend to fall under emote images or emogees. They can rarely if ever be credited and are used heavily on almost all parts of the internet.

Question 5: "Does the picture contain artwork, like illustrations or paintings?"
If you created the artwork, you're good to go. If you didn't, this can become more difficult. It is ALWAYS recommended that you *credit the artist or photographer* if you are posting someone else's work.  It's the polite thing to do and it acknowledges their creative force and ownership of the material. Someone else worked hard to make that, please give them credit. A simple "artwork by Tammy" or "RTN photography" or a link back to their website is usually sufficient. That said, if you do this and someone asks you to remove the piece, please do what they say, especially if it's the original artist or photographer.

Question 6: "Hey, this picture has a warning on it, "Do not redistribute or repost", What do I do?"
That's SO easy. You follow the warning. If someone has submitted content to (websiteA) and you found it somewhere else (like websiteB), please don't exacerbate the problem by reposting that image somewhere else (like websiteC). If you have permission to post the picture, ask the person giving you permission to supply you with a differently watermarked image.

There you have it. 6 easy questions you can ask to see whether or not you can take a picture from the internet and put it in another place.

Have additional questions? Feel free to ask.

I'm a photographer, artist and designer by trade. My work is part of my livelihood. This issue is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and the fact that people think they can swipe shit off of google image search because it's "on the internet and therefor free" will never cease to piss me off.

Caveat: It's 11pm and I'm tired. This is more meant to be tongue in cheek but seriously, stop grabbing shit off of google searches and thinking you're an internet copyright expert. You're not. Do not pas go. Do not collect $200.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Why is that hot?

I was going through my tumblr the other day with Daddy and @Mr_Fox and was explanining why some of the gifs or images are hot. I thought it would be fun to take like 10 or so of those and actually explain what you like about the image or gif.

:3

1. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/92236927392 control. The way his hand grips her neck drives my cunt wild. She can't escape and she looks so blissed out and I want that.

2. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/91091685167 flinch. My life is pretty much made out of flinching when I play with my partners. I hate being smacked in the clit, it will do really, really bad things for me, especially with the piercing. But the threat of it... Unfff.

3. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/90698625587 surprise. I hate the masks. Im not going to lie. I like my tops clothed, but face open (or naked fucking me, but that's another story). But the complete shock she has being pounced on like that....

4. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/90294743357/ohhh-nosebleeds-3 probably the weirdest fetish I have, nosebleeds. Just so hot.

5. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/88617559222 vulnerable pose, also.. Boots. You can never go wrong sticking boots in places. The nipple tree thing intrigues me, but how spread open she is and where that boot is are the things that make me happy.

6. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/88171837432 this is horrible, I love the symmetry.

7. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/83982159690/amastersgirl-heygingergirl-im-due-for-a I actually hate being touched in this way. For some reason the two finger thing outside my cunt always registers as a bad touch but that is sort of what makes me want it..

8. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/83233365542/agoodsubishard2find-sterndaddy hnnnnn face touching. Also, everything about that caption.

9. http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/81879367981/mistersean-woof-uh-yes i need to try this. Like, six times a week.

10.  http://eroticwetatomic.tumblr.com/post/79379424471/beyondthevalleyofthefemdoms-workneverover and my most favorite gif ever. I just ... Everything about this. The fact that they are clothed. The way he just stops and melts (and is Leonardo DiCaprio) i just ... can't

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hey, Judas... Also known as: Adventures with vaginas.

My title is a lie. This isn't Adventures with Vaginas. It's an adventure with one vagina. My vagina, Judas.

I hate masturbating. Like a lot of people I suppose. The overall preference seems to be "well, yeah, partnered sex is better, but masturbation is ok." Or "masturbation is fun!" Or "but mutual masturbation is really different and I really enjoy it." Something about handsex. Something about not fucking with penises. Something something something.

I hate masturbating.

I didn't always hate masturbating. Before I had partnered sex, masturbating was pretty ok. I remember laying around, stuffing whatever I could find that would (safely) fit in my cunt, rubbing against a pillow and getting off that way. One day I had 23 orgasms in a row. I couldn't feel my parts. That was pretty fun. Usually I'd settle for fewer orgasms (and more time spent doing other things, like sleeping). That 23 thing was a one time deal.

For a long, long time. Masturbating was the only way I could orgasm. Daddy is the first person I ever slept with that gave enough shits to figure out what made me cum. I'd been with him for at least 6 months before he started talking to me about it. I was pretty ashamed about the fact that I was non-orgasmic with partnered sex. Not that I didn't find partnered sex satisfying, I did. But in the same way one would be satisfied after a good workout. This is not to say that my other sex partners were not GGG or were bad lays. They weren't. I had great sex with most of those people, but I didn't know myself well enough to tell someone else what to do. They don't teach you what orgasms are in school. At least not people with vaginas. I had a lot sex thinking I might have been getting off, but looking back on it, I wasn't. At least not in the way I have been for the past 5 years.

Once I got over the orgasm hump (hehe) I ran into another problem. I could only climax in one position, with pretty lackluster orgasms and by pretty much using Daddy as a dildo. While this was fun for sometimes, it was getting boring and repetitive, not to mention it strained Kamm to keep this position all the time and meant there was little to no spontaneity to our sex and it ended the same way pretty much every time.

Enter the hitachi magic wand.

That marvel of modern machinery has changed the way I fuck.

Do you know how amazing it is to be able to orgasm in different positions? Do you know how amazing it is to be able to orgasm with different people? Do you know how amazing it is to orgasm with different types of stimulation?

This is not to say that orgasms are the end-all-be-all of sex. They aren't. I usually don't even grab the hitachi until way after my partners have offered to grab it for me. I love the way their bodies feel on mine. I love the way their bodies feel against mine. I love the way their bodies feel in mine. I love where their hands go. I love their sweat. I love the way they smell. I love the way our sex smells. I get off on all of that. My physical orgasms are a very satisfying cherry on top of my giant sex sundae. (Omg food analogies, can we not).

I don't get any of that when I masturbate. There is none of that amazing feedback. None of the energy. Nothing. Almost all of my fetishes revolve around me getting off on being used by another person. Being degraded. Being edged. Being denied. Being forced. Being brutalized. Being humiliated. Being made to suffer. I can't do any of those things to myself. I get off on being prey. Is one still able to be prey with no predatory factor lurking?

I haven't found that place for me...

I've tried a number of different things; toys, techniques. None of them are reliable.

My other problem is that I am an absolute cock slut. And not just any kind of cock slut, a biocock slut. You know what isn't masturbating? Having sex with biococks when you're a person with a vagina.

When those factors combine, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to muster the enthusiasm needed to override what makes masturbating uncomfortable to me. I actually try a lot to masturbate and stop a few minutes in because I'm so turned off by just touching myself. I stop the process a lot. I lose interest. My cunt dries up. My mind goes elsewhere. It isn't fun, or sexy or arousing. My libido comes raging back the second I take my hand away. But leaves when I start touching myself again. It's incredibly frustrating.

start touching myself again. It's incredibly frustrating.

Ah, oh, and on top of all that (because wait, there's more!) I'm not a big fan of porn. Ready the fainting couch. I'm such a sex and body positive person and I just really don't prefer porn and I really hate touching myself when I'm by myself. THE. SHAME. I have never found "live" (read: video) porn I like. Mostly I stick to really horrible/degrading/taboo writing and erotica, some furry stuff and the occasional rule 34. It's so different from my normal tastes that something about it eventually becomes appealing. Iwouldnotmindassistancewiththis >.>

I feel like I'm starting already with a huge handicap; the wrong equipment, the wrong mindset and the wrong situation. I'm trying to fix a problem with a set of hobbled together macguyver tools with the finesse of an epileptic dog. You can get the job done but you'll be lucky if you do.

Maybe with all the above writing people can see why it's so incredibly difficult for me to masturbate. If you  have any incite or ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Monday, July 7, 2014

On Masochism, Hard Limits and finding myself

I'm a masochist. That term seems to create a lot of confusion for people, although i'm not exactly sure why. Masochism is in our acronym; BDSM. Bondage. Domination. Sadism. Masochism. It's right there. It's a readily available label in our list of labels on Fetlife (the same can't be said for other labels i'm fond of, like three-hole-fucktoy). So why is it so hard to understand what a masochist is when this term specifically is everywhere?

A masochist commonly defined as a person who gets pleasure from pain. There are varying types of masochism, like physical masochism, sexual masochism and emotional masochism. But they all stem from the same time; pain leads to pleasure.

I'm often asked "You're a masochist, right? So if I hurt you, you'll cum from it?" And the answer, to their surprise is always no. I don't orgasm from pain. It's just not how my sexual response cycle works. I eventually get pleasure from pain sensation, but i still feel pain as pain. Let that sink in. I feel pain as pain. Left for a moment to process, that pain then gives me a pleasurable sensation. Watch me get kicked, or brutalized or slapped in the face. Once the stinging or punching sensation dissipates, it is replaced with something that feels good. Something that goes from wherever the stimulus is to my brain and my cunt, or just my cunt (there is a reason it's name is Judas). I might smile, or laugh or cry or sit in silence, grimacing while i process, but i'll be getting wet. I'll be getting worked up. Outright pain will cause this reaction. Discomfort will cause this reaction. Discomfort over an extended period of time will cause this reaction. Discomfort and pain not related to a scene will cause this. If i hit my elbow on my desk at work, it turns me on. If i stub my toe, it turns me on. My life gets pretty weird sometimes. My problems are clearly not other peoples problems.

It's taken me a long time to accept my label. I recently changed my label ID on fetlife, from submissive to masochist. I need pain or degradation to climax during sex. It's what i think about when i want to be aroused. Both of those are types of masochism for me. Physical or emotional. I'm having a hard time focusing on being submissive without an outlet for it. I've been active in the scene for over three years and have yet to form a fulfilling official D/s connection with another person. Not for lack of trying but we all know how that goes. I think focusing on this part of me, the one that is the loudest in my head will be more fulfilling in the long run.

My ability to take pain is directly related to the connection of the person i'm playing with. I don't do very intense play with new people, it's just not a good idea for me and how i operate. But for those i have an intense trust and connection with, they can take me to places i've never considered, places i never necessarily wanted to go before we talked about them.

I do something i refer to as "hard limit play" with a select few people. These are people i trust. People with whom i am intimate with. People who understand who i am, and how i operate. They know my needs and my wants and they know how to coax me and push me. I know to trust them, in some cases implicitly. We know each others aftercare needs. We negotiate. We discuss safety.

Hard limit play is a type of masochism for me. It hits the place in me that revels in emotional masochism. A lot of it hits fear, vulnerability. It's a type of edge play. And i really do hate calling it "play." Once something puts me in that space, it isn't play. It may not even be fun, or arousing. It's an ordeal. Something, on some level i'm willing to go through, usually for the sake of another. My drowning is a prime example of this, but so are a few other things. The way my dynamics are structured, my partners have some leeway in doing hard limit type play with me. There is a careful balance and a lot of consideration and conversation that goes into these things. Lynk talked about drowning me for over a year until i finally stopped protesting. I hesitate to say i actually consented because i never said "ok, drown me" but when you have a level of implied consent, and i said "i won't fight you to get in the tub..." that's about as much consent as i'll give in that type of situation.  At the time of the scene, drowning was still on my hard limit list. Now i love it. I've described drowning as my happy place.

I like being prey. I like being a victim. Hard limit play can get me there.

I don't expect people to understand this, or even really give any fucks. This is my play, and who i choose to do it with is really only my business and my partners business. But you may see me doing hard limit play. Anything that involves fire is a hard limit for me, but you may see me doing fire play with Mr_Fox, because he's just about the only person on the planet i'm comfortable doing it with. I want to give him the ability to push me in that way, so we do it. You may see my trainer fist me (or maybe not, who knows) and that's also a hard limit.

I'd at least like to be able to open the door towards having a conversation where people can talk about their hard limits and engaging them. I'm very privileged in my area to be able to do a lot of the types of play i enjoy. Most of them qualify as edge play. I can't do that i every location. But in Maryland we have spaces, parties and groups that encourage you to play the way you want to play.

My tumblr has given at least one person the ability to be more comfortable with the types of play they like. My discussions on masochism and pain have given other people the support and network they are looking for, to know they aren't alone. To the people out there, like me, reading this; you aren't alone. And the way you play may make others uncomfortable, but it's yours. Own it. Love it. It's you. Explore comfortably with those you trust. It's what i'm doing now. I've never felt more fulfilled or loved.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Boots, Boot-Blacking, Boot-play, and when is a scene, a scene?

Boot play and blacking is something that is relatively new to me. I understand that as something that is new, and something that is generally done as a service, it may be difficult to tell whether or not what i'm doing is a scene, or a service. When i am doing a boot scene, i would prefer not to be interrupted. I did a scene last night with Daddy where i blacked his (vintage) brand new boots and kept having people approach me to talk. My feelings weren't hurt, but i would like to make a few clarifications on when i would like to be left to enjoy the leather that i'm into. I am complete and utter boot slut, please let me enjoy that.

I've put together a few guidelines that will hopefully make it easy for someone to tell if trying to talk to me is a good idea. If you are ever in doubt, just wait 'till i'm done.


  • If my mouth is on leather, leave me alone. This includes everything from a simple kiss to full on tongue-out-sloppy-drippy-boot-worship. 
  • If boots are on my chest or tits. Leave me alone.
  • If i am being hurt while blacking. Leave me alone. 
  • If boots are on my lower thighs and people are pressing them into me, i'm crying, or moaning. Leave me alone.
  • If boots are on my lower thighs and i seem to be blacking, talking and having a good time. You can approach. 
  • If i am blacking at a stand and seem to be in good spirits and responsive. You can approach. 


If i'm in a place were people can see me, you can ALWAYS watch. This is specifically about coming up to me and trying to talk to me.

Hopefully this clears up a thing or two.

Thanks for reading :3

Saturday, June 28, 2014

LUBE: Stick it in your butt yo! Or other places.

Lubes. Love them, hate them, use them don't use them. You've got a lot of options. There are hundreds of lubes to choose from. How do you choose the right ones? What do different ones do? Why do we care? What holes do we stick them in?

So many questions.

Let's start with a little intro. What is lube? Lube is stuff you add to things to make them slicker or reduce friction (or combat dryness). You can use lubes internally (like inside a vagina with penis-in-vagina sex aka PIV) or externally or for masturbation (like on a penis). They're almost essential for anal penetration of any kind and can be great for adding some slip to your titty fucking, hand jobs, elbow fucking, armpit fucking or behind-the-knee fucking. You can even lube up someones buttox and fuck 'em that way, no penetration necessary.

There are a few different different kinds of lube
  • Water based
  • Silicon based
  • Hybrid 
  • Oil based 
When selecting a lube, you want to use something body safe and compatible with any safer sex supplies, birth control methods or toys you may be using. A lot of lubes contain ingredients known as glycerine (can make the lube taste sweeter) or parabins (used as preservatives). These two ingredients can cause bad reactions in a lot of people. Some of these reactions include allergic reactions, yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis (BV). If you or your partner(s) have a sensitivity to any of these, stick with glycerine and parabin free lubes. I'll list some lubes for each type and indicate which are parabin and glycerine free. 

Water based lube pros and cons
Pros:
  • Can be used with latex condoms
  • Can be used with non-latex condoms
  • Can be re-moistened with water 
  • Safe with almost all sex toys (non-porous) 
  • Easy to wash off when you're done 
Cons:
  • Can dry quickly
  • Can develop a tacky/sticky feel as they dry
  • Not as great for anal sex due to their quick drying power 
Water based lubes that i've tried personally:
  • Liquid Silk
  • KY Jelly
  • Astroglide
  • Gun Oil H2O*
  • JO H20 
  • Sliquid H20*
  • Wet Original
  • Pink water based* 
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 

Silicon based lube pros and cons
Pros:
  • Stays slippery for a long time
  • Can be used with latex condoms
  • Can be used with non-latex condoms
  • Can be re-moistened with water 
  • Great for buttsex 
Cons:
  • Can't be used with all sex toys. Some lower grade silicon toys can degrade when exposed to silicon lube. Please only use high quality, body safe sex toys. 
  • Can be difficult to wash off, you'll need soap. 
Silicon Based Lubes:
  • Gun Oil Silicon*
  • JO Premium*
  • Wet Platinum*
  • Pink Silicone*
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 

Hybrid lubes are silicon/water based hybrids and can be great if you're looking for an in between type lube. 

Hybrid Lubes
  • Gun Oil Loaded
  • Sliquid Natural Silk 
* Parabin and Glycerine free :)


Oil based lube pros and cons
Pros

  • Stay super slick and rarely need to be "revived" (with water or spit)

Cons

  • Not safe to use with latex condoms 
  • Can be difficult to wash off

Oil Based Lubes:
  • Boy Butter
* Parabin and Glycerine free :) 


Other lubes:
  • Flavored lubes: I would strongly recommend avoiding these, only because the sugar content in them to make them taste good can also cause some nasty crazy bacterial imbalances. If you want to use them, try them on somewhere that isn't a mucous membrane, like the chest or neck. 
  • Warming lubes: Mixed reviews depending on how you react to the sensation. They tend to be a hate it or love it kind of thing. I don't have a lot to say on these at the moment since i don't use them in my sex, but if that changes there will be an update. 
PRODUCT REVIEW:
I was sent 3 lubes by Gun Oil to test out a couple of months ago. Because i'm into through product testing if sent something, i've spent the last 2 or so months using these lubes in my sex with most of my partners. Daddy seems to like Pink water based a lot, as he steals my bottle constantly to use for masturbating so i have to go look for it in various places throughout our house. Thanks Daddy. 

Their new line of items marked to people with internal parts called PINK. A water based lube, a silicon based lube and a warming lube (which i was unfortunately not able to use give my issues with some lubes. If that changes i will update this post but for now i'm afraid of it as i am all warming lubes). As i say this i'm really tempted to go open the bottle and do stuff with it. Man, my masochism knows no bounds when i'm horny. 

Pink Water Based was a great lube. It ran into the same troubles that i usually run into with water based lubes which include mostly drying out or getting tacky too fast. The lube is more viscus than a totally "liquid" lube, but it's not quite a gel. I've found i have a preference for gel lubes, especially for anal. I mostly used this lube vaginally and other than the drying out i found it very pleasant and with little taste. I routinely go back and forth from oral to PIV so taste is important to me. If anything it was slightly salty but easy to ignore. There is no odor with this lube, unlike say, astroglide which has a very medical smell to it. Clean up was really easy, a baby wipe or toilet paper took care of any excess and it washed off easily in the shower. If you're looking for a body safe and toy safe lubricant, i would absolutely recommend Pink water based lube. 

Pink Silicon was very comparable to my Gun oil (they are the same company). I've been using it for anal now for a couple months and do enjoy it a lot. Like most silicon lubes it can get slightly tacky to the feel, but can be revived with more lube or spit. I didn't find the lube dried out anything. I used it a lot with my Njoy pure large plug (my go-to buttplug at the moment) and loved how it felt. This lube doesn't have much of a taste either but since i'm using it for mostly anal penetration i didn't get a lot of it in my mouth.  Clean up is pretty standard for silicon lube; shower and soap. I didn't notice any odor with this lube at all. 

All in all, i enjoyed using the Pink products a lot. I am madly in love with my Gun Oil loaded (which does have parabin in it, but NOT glycerine). I would grab the Pink Water based again to use. But i like Gun Oils original product just as much, i also have a thing for guns.. The bottles were both set up as locking pump type bottles which made using them and storing them VERY easy. I never had an issue with a bottle of lube opening up in my bag or making a mess anywhere. I usually travel with at least 2 types of lube in my toy bag at any given time as well as few toys and my beloved hitachi wand, so keeping the toy bag lube free is a top priority of mine. 



Thursday, June 26, 2014

Let's talk about Fusion... #DOFusion14

Like i surmised.. Fusion was a weird event for me. Don't get me wrong, i really did have a good time. But for the most part, navigating that event was like wandering through a maze. I made it out at the end but i'm not sure how i got there. I've been processing a lot of stuff since i got home, when i'm not sleeping.

Good, amazing and wonderful things

  • I asked someone i've never really met before to play, or at least talk about playing. That didn't happen, but we did chat and i've got the biggest fangirl crush ever. This was a huge step for me because i am god awful at asking others for play, especially if i don't know them that well. 
  • Had a scene with someone i've played with before that involved a lot of punching, including cunt punching! I like cunt punching. I was so sore. Taking out my VCH is a really good idea before hand... 
  • I had an *amazing* rope scene with someone i've played with very very lightly before that pushed me in ways i didn't realize i could be pushed in rope. I don't really consider myself a ropey person. I usually describe myself as the worlds worst rope bottom. But i didn't have any of my usual problems. Dynamic suspension. I was even single foot for a minute. I never thought i would be able to handle that. Oh and there was boots. On my face and in my cunt and everything that makes me a happy melty puddle of goo. I remember how i felt, and pushing my body to its stretching limit. But i really hope one of the photographers got a few of that scene. It was outside KIC on the bamboo rig. I almost never see myself in rope and i love playing with those i actually seem to have some kind of chemistry with. 
  • Pain with rope with another partner. Two rope scenes? You'd better believe it. Humiliation, exposure and some objectification. I played in the dungeon! And I CRIED! It was amazing. 
  • I had a really intense public humiliation scene with my trainer. He took me out front of sex o rama (on the grass) and brutalized, fucked and abused me until he was done. We tried face punching, and did a lot of face slapping, and throat fucking. Apparently i squirt if you  bite my feet... I don't know how i feel about that. I think that's pretty fucked up. He hooded me and then wrote a lot of awful stuff on me. I hope next time he uses permanent markers... 
  • I was bacon table at the IE Extravaganza on Saturday night. I love being a table. Being human furniture is great. Table, footrest, anything. I just wish that sometimes people would treat me more like a table. Trying to eat food off of me in a sexy manor will *never* be hot. I'm sorry. I just like to be a table. For those of you asking about how to remove food off of me, or treat me, thank you. Also, thanks for not fucking the table. That isn't what i'm there for. I was, however, leashed to the table legs by my cunt piercings. Unfff. 
  • I co-hosted our first big event Cigars Boots and Chocolate social with Daddy and my sister. It was spectacular! I prepped at least 40 cigars, and did finally get to smoke myself at the end of the night. I taught so many people about cigars. One of the things i absolutely love is picking out cigars for people. 
  • I did dinner service for some friends of ours and learned how to prep and maintain a hookahs. 
  • I taught two classes for Fusion, Pet Play: Do it Like an Animal and Forming a Relationship with Pain. This was the first time i taught the pain class and i think it went really well. 
  • I socalized and met FAR more people this event than last Fusion. This was both a good and a not so good thing. I have a limit for how much peopling i can tolerate and hit that wall a few times over the weekend. If you came into KIC and into cabin K and i was just on the bed not doing anything that was me hitting that wall. A big thanks to my friends for chilling out and just letting me be weird if i needed to be weird. 


Weird stuff and processing

Ive never gone to an event where i didn't have someone there 'with' me, aka, being some kind of primary play partner or sharing my bed. I process almost everything i do play wise via touch and cuddling and fucking at night in the morning is a lot of that. I had some sex at the event but not nearly as much as i would have liked. Operating with other peoples schedules makes doing things difficult. Things like playing or fucking or even sleeping together. I spent a lot of the event feeling like an awkward third wheel which was difficult. All of my regular and casual partners had someone (at least one someones) there with them.

Friday night after service, i wanted to spend a little alone time at the site where my sadist buried me last year. I was not prepared at all for someones tent to be on the exact spot the hole was. That fucked with me in a really, really bad way. My sadist could not come out to the event and i wanted those few minutes to remember what we did last year and get some closure on him not being there with me this year. When i was denied that opportunity, it really fucked with me. I remember standing in the field seething at this tent. I don't even know whose tent it was. But someone saw me giving this tent (and presumably) its occupant a serious stink eye and started making faces at me. To those people, i'm sorry. I couldn't verbalize what i wanted in that moment, and i wouldn't have had a conversation with people i didn't know about this. I know how stupid it sounds, being upset about a used-to-be-hole in the ground... But i don't know. I don't accept change well and this was the *one* connection i would have had to him while i was at camp. My mood caused me to cancel a scene i'd had set up for that evening. I was in a bad place. Luckily i have a really great support network of people who understood.

A majority of the scenes i did this year at Fusion weren't sexual, which was hard. I literally can't separate sex and kink. I can have 'just' sex, but i can't do 'just' bdsm. If we're playing, i'm turned on even if nothing is touching or penetrating or fucking. I'll need to make some adjustments for next year, or next event. I can do some play without having to include sexual contact, especially if it's someone new. But for the most part, i don't feel like my needs are being met if i can't get release in some way. When we got back home from camp i was so horny, i still am. Apparently that's the reason why. For me to do a ton of scenes in that way is not a really great thing for me.

I need to do all my pet play stuff in the first day or so of events.. If i do it any later, my masochsim takes over and i'm in too much pain to do four legged pet play.

I should bring some slightly warmer clothes to camp.

All in all, i really did have a good event, i just wish i could have gotten more out of it.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Bitch Magazine: Tina Belcher's Sexual Revolution

I'm a huge fan of Bob's Burgers, and i really enjoyed reading this article. I agree with most of what's said. I love the idea of teen sexuality not being something to be afraid of.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Hitachi Magic Wands: Legit or Counterfeit?

So, if you've read anything in this blog you know i am a HARDCORE hitachi magic wand fan. You also know that only the ONE TRUE WAND will do. It is seriously like Highlander up in this bitch. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. And if you send me the wrong one, there will be big, big problems. (Isn't that right, ebay seller?).

Recently Hitachi changed their packaging and branding on their original magic wands. This has lead to some serious confusion. Counterfeits are everywhere! And believe me, if you're like me, it matters. The reason for this is because Hitachi doesn't want to be in the market of mass producing vibratos. Yes, i know hitachis have a "legitimate" use, but i only know ONE person who uses theirs in the "muscle relaxation" sense. A hitachi is first a sex toy and ..whatever hitachi markets it as second. Them's the facts.

And before someone points this out: The NEW wand is labeled on the button window as "Original". The old wands are labeled Hitachi. 

I've put together this guide to show you the differences between each of the wands and let you know exactly what it is that you've got.

Let's start with the packaging:


New package is on the bottom, knock-off is on top. Clearly these look different. The OLD/ORIGINAL WAND has the model number HV-250, the NEW WAND has a new model number, HV-260. The knock offs are often labeled as HV-250s. This is incredibly frustrating as counterfeits often have legitimate packing IN the online add. The sellers show you a legitimate item, and ship you a cheap knock off. I apologize, i could not find the box for my older HV-250 model, but i do recall it was very similar to the new packaging. 

Let's view everything in full:


Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 
Control button close ups: 


Look very closely at the control buttons and window. This is the easiest way to tell which you've got. LEGIT HITACHIS OF ANY KIND always have a rectangular control panel. The Original HV-250 buttons have a red dot for high, a white dot for low and no discernable indicator for off. The new HV-260 has a = for high, a - for low and a o for off. The knock off has a ROUNDED BUTTON WINDOW and no setting indicators or labels. The knock offs often have cracking, bubbling or lifting of the sticker that makes the background for the button window. The legitimate hitachi wands will not have this. The button also is not as audible when pressed. On any of the legitimate wands, the buttons are ergonomic and have a definite 'click' when changed. 

The only notable difference between the original HV-250 and the New HV-260 is how the branding lays. The original wands say Hitachi on them, the new wands say "Magic Wand Original" but not NOT have the hitachi branding. Don't worry, your hitachi is still legitimate. 


Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 

These are the cord attachment points for each. Notice the shorter, cheaper attachment style. It feels flimsy. Also note the screws. The screw channel on the knock off is substantially deeper than the legitimate two.

Let's talk head. I mean heads.

Left hand side: knock off. Center: New HV-260. Left: Original HV-250. 


The knock off head is more square, the legitimate two are more rounded. The head on the knock off will also be able to be removed much easier than the actual hitachi heads. The knock off head makes a weird crinkly sound when squeezed. It has a plastic coating, like a plastic bag inside. Also notice the metal rim around the body. The knock off's chrome piece is about 1/4th inch thicker. The neck is also made with thicker ridges.

Other than what is shown here, the weight between the legitimate wands and the knock offs are substantially different. If you don't feel like you can give someone a serious concussion if you hit them in the head with your sex toy, you're holding a counterfeit vibrator.

Why is this information important?
  • The knockoff vibrators are NOT NEARLY AS POWERFUL as the original units. Some people prefer the lower power, some people prefer the higher. You should know what you have in case you have a preference. 
  • The knock offs will run y ou anywhere from $20-$40 USD. You should NOT EVER PAY MORE THAN THAT. The legitimate units will cost you anywhere from $46-$120 USD depending on the location in which they are purchased to the accessories they come with. That $120 price is generally for sex shops and other brick and mortar locations. While I am ALL about supporting local business, this price is absolutely absurd and you can find better. 
  • Online sellers (a lot of EBAY stores are guilty of this) will SHOW YOU PICTURES of a legitimate unit in their online add, and then SEND YOU A COUNTERFEIT product. This is a problem, because generally they are overcharging you for a knockoff, and they are misrepresenting their product. 
  • If you purchase online through Paypal or with a credit card, you do have some buyer protection and can return the item for a refund if that is what you would like to do. 
  • Educate sellers (send them this guide if you need to) if they don't seem to understand the discrepancy. 
  • The EXACT difference between the HV-250R and the HV-260 is ONLY in the button control images and the branding. THAT IS IT. Both are legitimate hitachi units, it's just that hitachi didn't want to be known as "that company that makes vibrators" so they removed the Hitachi name from the product. 
Where can I get a legitimate unit?


Hopefully now you know which hitachi you have :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Baby Bootie


Yesterday, my boot blacking mentor gave me a small basic kit as a gift. I've very very very recently gotten into boot blacking. At the last Cigars Boots & Chocolate i spoke to one of the boot blacks that attends, and a good friend of mine, @Kingpin. He said if i ever wanted to learn to let him know. Well... i thought about it and decided boot blacking would be something i am very interested in doing. My new mentor and Daddy helped me build a kit. Daddy gave me a few pieces he had from his shoe shine kit.

First i did my cuff. Then i did my regular wear boots. Then Daddy did one of his boots and i did the other. Earlier today i cleaned and conditioned my satchel.

Here's to doing more boot blacking at Charm City Fetish Fair (in between teaching).

Pictures: (right: my new kit) (below: boots before and after. You can see how dirty they were, the leather is actually black, as in the after picture. Not brown  like in the before) (below: my hand covered in polish ;) ).



Saturday, March 22, 2014

[erotica] Break

[Erotica]:
-----
"Get on your knees." His voice is cold and sterile. It's a demand but there is no anger behind it. I feel his hand thread through my collar and shove me down. I would have been willing to comply, but with my hands uncomfortably bound behind my back, getting on my knees without falling over is a harder task than normal. Gear ties. I hate gear ties. The rubber coating pinches at my skin. I try to rotate my wrists inside them to get them to sit more comfortably.

It's a warm sunny day. I should be happy. But i'm not, i'm scared. My knees buckle and i drop my weight. He'll catch me. ..Or he won't. It doesn't really matter anymore. My thought stream is interrupted by the pressure on my neck changing direction. I know what he wants me to do, but i can't do it. I see the bucket sitting out on the grass. It's filled with cold water. It's orange and it's plastic and i hate it. I even have a healthy level of hatred for him. I ragdoll against my collar, knowing it'll take him a significant amount of effort to get me to move. I've done this before. He pulls harder and a growl bubbles from my throat. I brace and flinch before i even finish making the sound, i shouldn't have done that. My cheek erupts in pain as he slaps me across the face. His other hand entwines into my hair and he pulls me forward. I move, but not because i want to. He gets fed up with the game and kicks me swiftly in the ass. I cry out and lurch forward as his boot connects. "Move your fucking ass or I'll give you a reason not to." The threat isn't empty. I can still feel the sting on my face. I assume he doesn't have the stun gun on him, but it wouldn't be a long trip to go get it, or he always has his fists... Or teeth... My collar sits at an uncomfortably high angle on my neck as he half walks half drags me forward. I try to not pull against it too much, i'll need my breath. I know the bucket is full.. I filled it myself. The hose is still in it, running at a low speed. I think about knocking the bucket over and how much pleasure i would get from that. But i know i can't..Not on purpose. He wouldn't kill me but i know how much pain he can inflict in a second. I know the punishment would far exceed the crime if i managed to do it.

He pulls the hose from the bucket and wets the ground around it, spraying me in the process. The water is ice cold against my skin and quickly soaks the few articles of clothing i'm wearing. I hiss and recoil.
He puts the hose back into the bucket and kneels behind me, trapping me between his body and the bucket. I flinch away from his touch but can't escape. His hands are strangely gentle, i feel his fingers wrap around my face, pulling it back towards his. I'm still trembling. I don't know what to do with this ...nice. I expect to be choked or hit but it doesn't come. "Relax."

"I can smell your cunt from here."

I cower at his words, knowing there is truth to them. I can smell it too, even through my underwear. I'm partially clothed, his request. It makes me uncomfortable, but with the added dampness from the water it's even worse. He pulls my shirt down and grabs one of my tits, his other hand still on my face. I lean into him, processing the pain as he pinches one of my nipples. A moan turns into a whimper as the pain level rises. I lean into him.

"I'm going to drown you in this bucket, and beat your filthily worthless ass until you beg me to stop, you know that, right?" No malice, no anger. A simply stated fact.

"Yes.." He's smiling. I let my gaze fall.  I can feel the tears hot and warm flowing down my cheeks. I'm not sure how he expects me to beg if i'm choking but i guess we'll get to that later. He gets up, chuckling, towering over me. I whimper and cower away from him. My breathing is already labored from sitting hunched over and being so afraid. The air is warm but my skin is covered in gooseflesh. He grabs a fist full of my hair and pushes  me to the edge of the bucket. I struggle against his grip but it's futile. "Deep breath." He doesn't wait for me. The cool water washes over my face as he dunks me.  My chaotic word goes quiet, but i don't have enough air to keep the peace. I struggle back against his grip and he eases up, i choke and gasp, breaking free of the surface.

Water splashes weakly out of the sides of the bucket but the lost amount is quickly refilled. The grass beneath me is turning muddy. I can't stabilize my internal temperature and it makes me uncomfortable. It only gets worse from here. I waste a lot of energy on trying to calm my breathing. I feel his hand back in my hair and i take a deep breath. My face meets the water and this time i'm more prepared. He has my face down but my ears are out of the water. I can hear a lot, with my vision obscured in the bucket. Usually i love sensory depravation so much, i'm not as enthusiastic about it today.

I'm struggle to stay calm. I'm not sure what type of reaction he wants out of me. Does he want legitimate panic? Does he want me to struggle now? My air is running out. I can feel my chest tightening. I have no leverage in this position and it is terrible. I push back against his hand, i'd like to breathe soon. I know i can hold my breath longer but this is an issue with diminishing returns. Eventually he lets me up. I let the water fall from my face before opening my mouth. I learned that the first time...

He dunks my face in the bucket a few more times before getting bored of that part of the game. He reaches into the bucket and grabs me by the jaw, hiking me as far up onto my knees as he can get me. I'm a little light headed and the lack of air and sudden shift in position. Catch up brain, i think i might need you. He shoves me roughly onto the mud. I whimper and try to curl up. I feel his boot on my ass. The sole is cold. I can't even try to crawl away. He rolls me onto my side towards my back. My hands are numb, he checks them and removes the gear ties. I bring my hands to my chest and clutch them, but he isn't done yet. He takes advantage of my distraction and shoves me all the way into my back. I feel his knee on my sternum. I grab at it, trying to shove him off. The pain is intense, i can't breathe. "Please" it's a breathless word. A plead. He won't get off. He slaps me in the face once, twice, three times.

I can't process. The weight lifts off my chest and i gulp in air. I still can't breathe. He yanks me up by the arms and pushes me back towards the bucket. No. He won't shove me back in there in the middle of hyperventilating, surely? I'm not sure. I don't trust him not to do it. I fight back against him struggling against his grip. I don't even have words. I'm so thirsty and tired. The mud is drying on my skin and clothes. I just want it to end. I grab his wrist. "Please.. No.." my words are so weak. "Pathetic. Worthless cunt can't even beg for her own life." He pushes my nose towards the water. I take a deep breath. He shoves me under. I grip the lip of the bucket with both hands. Maybe.. maybe i can make it stop.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The deep end

Warning: edge play of all varieties mentioned. If it isn't your thing, i'd suggest turning back now.

I think it's time i've accepted a few labels for myself; masochist, edge player, sick-fuck.

Sexual guilt is actually something i've never dealt with before. I've always been very "on my own terms." I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy i really loved because we decided it was a good time for us (he was a virgin too, and a year younger than me). It was a good experience and we were together for a long time but i knew it wouldn't be forever. We're still friends to this day, he's pretty cool.

I went through a "slut phase" in college because i felt like it and wanted to. My sexual partners (at the time) were all really cool about it. I had my first MFM threesome and OTHER people were so mad! How dare i let them take advantage of me! ...Excuse me? It was my fucking idea. We were sitting in a hot tub, chilling out (we may have been drinking a bit) and were talking about fantasies. Those guys were pretty cool, i know one of them put side some of his own issues to participate in that threesome for me. I ended up seeing him for a couple months, not a bad lay honestly.

I've been (not so) slowly evolving since i became involved in the BDSM scene. When i first started, i could handle barely any pain. I didn't want to. I wanted to do things that "looked pretty and didn't hurt." There's a reason the first thing i ever tried was rope. I like rope, i like different kinds of rope now. Come at me for something "pretty and decorative" and i'll look at you like you've got three heads. It isn't my thing.

I've been happily splashing away in the middle of the pool, you know the place, where you can still touch the bottom safely if you stand on your tippytoes? The place where i'm very comfortable with my kinks, even if they're a little unusual. The last 6 or so months have brought me to the deep end of the pool. I can no longer feel the bottom without diving, having to hold my breath and swim down. It's scary. I've had a lot of thoughts that haven't been entirely positive "THIS turns me on?" "Wow, this is messed up, how could that make me wet?" "Why does thinking about THAT turn me on?" Etc.

My core kink is giving up control, or having it taken from me. Everything i love seems to stem from that. Given the right people and right circumstances, i can be made to do just about anything. I have a few people in my life that are very happy to exploit that fact, and i'm only to willing to let them. That's how i was able to agree to doing any number of horrible things; live burial, mind fucks, drowning, needles, rape scenes, vomit/retching, cunt suturing, cunt stapling... Some of those haven't happened yet but they will. They will because i don't safe word to them because on some level i'm intrigued. I've certainly still got hard limits, and most of the time they're listened to (my dynamics allow for some.. uhm.. interpretation, depending on the situation).

It's a process, working through these feelings. Consensual non-consent has always been a thing for me, but lately i've been fantasizing about actual rape. That's a little unsettling, actually, it's a lot unsettling. My sadist talks about how he wants to suture my cunt shut, instead of redding out, i think about it and get really, really turned on. Did i mention that piercing my cunt for play is/was a hard limit? Guess it isn't anymore, because i've already essentially agreed to do it. No one should be that wet while debating that.

I want to be pushed. I want to suffer. I want my pain to please my partners. And i really, really want to be OK with that. I'm slowly coming around to the ideas. I do catch myself in the negative, but i calmly remind myself that i AM an adult and i am in charge of my own sexual journey and i do know how to use my safe words and negotiate scenes in ways that make me feel supported. One of the biggest factors to getting into this kind of play is the support network and aftercare i receive from my partners. That probably plays a bigger role than almost anything. I know i'm not the first person to have these feelings of discomfort about engaging in certain types of play, and i know i won't be the last. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what tips or techniques you used to help you work through these feelings.


Monday, February 24, 2014

DOWF14 III : Process

I'm mostly writing this whole series of entries to 1. remember shit, and 2. prove to everyone that i'm not an emotionless wash bucket and that this shit scares me. My play has shifted to the place that usually falls on most peoples hard limits list, and this isn't a story about "you must be this kinky to ride." I can do this kind of play because i have the right kind of trust and support system and fucked up people who love to push me. 


So, if you've read the last two entries i've posted, you probably have a good idea of what happened at my DO Winter Fire event. I left out the scene with the stun gun and the stun baton because.. Well, i'm not really sure. Sadist and i did another scene on Saturday after my Pet Play class (which went amazingly well by the way, that class is always so fun to teach. Petplayers have some of the most amazing energy and they always bring it to the class) that was based on pain. And for some reason i agreed to it. Stun gun, stun baton, wrenches (two... TWO wrenches), biting and rough body play and a little degradation for dessert. I've never tried a stun baton before, and honestly it wasn't that bad. I prefer it to the stun gun since for me the sensation is thuddier and i prefer thuddy over stingy. So there is the rest of the fucked up shit we did over the weekend. 

Anyway. Processing. Right. 

The drowning scene was hard for me, as one might imagine. I had a very difficult time processing it, but not for the reasons you might expect. It took me days to get through. From Monday morning to about thursday after Winter Fire i was still working though things. As of now (Sunday 2/23 and Monday 2/24) when i am writing this, i am in a really good place about it and have found acceptance of a lot of the issues i was dealing with.

When my sadist first mentioned that he wanted to drown me, my immediate reaction was to safe word out of the entire situation because, who the fuck wants to be drowned? I didn't. Fuck that shit. It took over a year of suggestion for me to actually get around to consenting and then actually discussing safety and details (part of our process for setting up scenes of this nature). This scene was a Very Big Deal. We do a lot of edge play, i'm afraid a lot, fear play is a lot of what we do.. But this was the first time i felt truly vulnerable and that was a big, big distinction from what i usually feel. Fear and vulnerability are two very different things. 

Like most people, i have a built-in fear of death by drowning. That's one of the factory installed fears that i actually have. That along with loud noise issues. I'm missing quite a few of the other ones (snakes, spiders, etc). Death by drowning is in the top 3 ways-to-die that i'm afraid of (1 is actually losing control of my vehicle, which has happened to me twice, bizarrely enough). 

I've been non-consensually drowned before, which i had actually forgotten about until the Saturday of Winter Fire, i didn't tell my sadist about this until AFTER our scene. Now, before you start yelling about triggers and bad touch and horrible things, it was NOT a problem for me. My not consensual drowning had taken place in a swimming pool. I still go swimming, i love swimming to this day. I'd pushed the incident out of my mind for years, this happened over a decade ago. I didn't mention it to him because for me it was not relevant and all throughout our negotiation process i had FORGOTTEN it. I actually brought it up because we're planning another CNC scene and was asking me about my past history with other things which could possibly be triggering. THEN it dawned on me that i should probably tell him about that. 

Scene negotiation is a complex process that is almost impossible to perfect. Sadist and i are going to do another drowning scene, but i did specifically request that he NOT drown me in a pool, since next time we actually have that as an option, as this scene will be happening at camp. And to all of you perverts that would like to watch (and i'm pretty sure there are at least half a dozen of you), you may. All i ask is that you keep a respectful distance and don't interfere with the scene or my immediate aftercare. 

For scenes that are very intense edge-play related, i ask my partner what they want out of me. For this scene, his want was to see me in a state of absolute panic. Alright, that is a response i am completely capable of providing. Step 1 accomplished. He almost always asks me the same question, or a similar one such as why do i want to do this. I know i told him something that unsettled him. On a list of 10 reasons as to why i would want to do a drowning scene, 1-8 "i want to do this for you". 9 was because i was curious about it and 10 was because the fear turned me on. I also let him know these 10 reasons were not weighed equally. He does have the privilege to have me agree to do a lot of things i may not do with others, that comes from spending years building trust and picking the pieces back up when we're done playing with them. My deep rooted want to please my partners also has a lot to do with it. I knew he wanted to do a scene like this, after all, we'd been talking about it for long enough, and that kind of submission fuels a lot what i do. 

Another question i asked him off the cuff while we were doing precare was "will drowning me turn you on?" And to my shock the answer was no. This type of play doesn't take him to a place where he feels sexual. Ok, we talked through it some more and i finally understood it is more of a serial killer/cold mindset. He wants a victim and wants that victim to suffer. I like suffering, it's a big thing for me. There was never a point where i ever thought i would get anything even remotely sexual out of this scene. This was something i would do, for him, to suffer and work through and try something new and scary.  

I wasn't even out of the tub, he hadn't even let go of me after we ended the scene when i told him i wanted him to drown me again. Not tonight, not now, but in another scene entirely. During the scene i loathed myself for how absolutely turned on i was. THAT was the thing that fucked me up the most, how much the scene turned me on. 

Knowing what i know about myself and how i play, it really does make a lot of sense. Drowning is ALL about face stuff. Face touching, holding, breath play, violence, intimacy, etc. All of them relate back to my core set of kinks. When we first discussed the scene, i knew i would either love it or hate it (and then add it back to my hard limits list). Drowning the way we did it is extremely intimate. There is a lot of body contact, and i personally find face touching to be more intimate than kissing, or possibly even sex. 

I knew i would need a lot of aftercare. I'm a very touch sensitive person, and for me, the person i'm playing with has to be the person who does my aftercare. I can modify this on a scene by scene basis for certain people, but a good 98% of the time, you break it, you fix it. I asked him for overnight physical aftercare and we made the arrangements. I did have a thought in the back of my mind that i may wake up with some kind of night terror, but it was fleeting. I knew i wouldn't sleep well, and i wanted him there when i woke up. I was very very worried that the scene would put me in a bad place. I know i'd eventually make it out of it, but having a grounding force around who understood what i went through would make the process a lot easier and i was right.

It took me over a day to figure out why i was so bothered by everything. I had to acknowledge that i like, enjoy and am turned on by a number of fucked up things, things that at one point were hard limits for me. Things that are hard limits for a lot of my other partners. USUALLY i can work myself over the hump. This scene wasn't the first time i had had thoughts like that. CNC has triggered this type of thinking before, so has degradation. This time however, i really needed his help to get out of the negative/scared mindset. We chatted a lot, by phone or text and that was very helpful. Eventually we'd make a breakthrough on why i was feeling a certain way, or he'd give the validation to feel the way i did. Sometimes i just need to hear (from someone else) "It's ok if you like this really messed up shit, it works for us and we're going about it the right way." 

Eventually we came to the realization that i LIKE being the victim, i LIKE being prey, and THAT was why the scene took me to the place it did. Once i was able to accept that, i became much more comfortable with the whole situation. That was the turning point from the sneaky hate spiral to a level of comfortable albeit reserved acceptance. 

Hello, my name is indey and i like REALLY fucked up shit, lets get weird. 

---


I am very happy to talk about this experience as a whole if you have any questions, please comment or email me. :) 

Friday, February 21, 2014

DOWF14 II : Deep Breath

Trigger warning: drowning, blood, ..fuck a lot of blood, and needles.

This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene. 

Sunday.

I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down.  My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." 'I do' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in the home happen in the bathroom and traumatic brain injuries are on both of our hard limits lists...I'm going to get in the tub and i'm going to do it willingly and i'm not going to hurt anyone. My phone buzzes again; "You can stop the drowning at any point and it will start slow and not violent. You'll be ok and I will not be disappointed if the scene doesn't go as planned." ...As planned. He actually has a plan? He's usually more in line with the "Do I look like a man with a plan?" to you level of planning. I only have one plan "don't die. Simple, one step, easy to remember. Don't die.

I know today is going to be tough. Of course we have the drowning planned, but we've also got two separate blood play scenes as well. One for him, with his blood and one for me, with mine. And THEN the drowning. How am i going to live? I text him "You're not going to kill me, right?" he texts back, for the 30th time "I'm not going to kill you. You'll be fine." Fine.. Everyone keeps telling me that i'll be fine. I don't really believe them. I speak to a few people about what is going on; @BalarianEsq, @MurphyBlue, @_Spiral_, @CurtisMercury, @lizardlappy, Daddy... A few other people. They all said the same thing "you'll be fine." I know the face i gave them, because it was the same face every time. I don't believe you, it says.

I send him another message "Do you think you've got time to see me before the scene tonight?" I need some precare. It's early in the morning and our scene set won't start until 8pm. I don't know if i can go that long.. I mean, i can, if i have to, but it'll be difficult. Precare is different than warm up. I've needed precare for scenes before, like the live burial and the first rape/CNC (consensual non-consent) scene we had. It's aftercare, but before a scene, or aftercare solely for my anxiety. Believe it or not i am a very anxious person. I generally do a good job of keeping it under control and managing it and have become a decent fear tamer over the years. But not today. Today isn't the day for that. I keep it in check enough to function mostly as normal. The one thing i couldn't override was my appetite loss. If i'm anxious, i absolutely lose my will to consume food. Which is terrible, because i absolutely love food, and it's sort of important if you want to do something later. "Yes, meet me in the lobby at 1:30, I'll make time."

I follow @Bettie_Rage to the Corner Bakery to get some breakfast. Stay hydrated. Eat. I have instructions. I get a salad, they were out of eggs. Bacon would have been better, but i figure healthier food is better. The salad tastes good. I meet some nifty new people and generally enjoy myself and forget about how i feel. I find @CurtisMercury and we browse vending for a while. I'd wanted to get myself either another chest harness or a set of suspenders. Suspenders are an important part of my imagined boy getup. I'm nervous, but i try to push it out of my mind. I'd taken a shower earlier in the morning and didn't hate the tub yet. I wonder if he'll make me hate the bathtub.

@CurtisMercury does a fantastic job of calming me down and distracting me. I haven't seen him in a while and it's nice to catch up. We browse vending and eventually end up at Leather By Danny. I've spoken to Danny at least half a dozen times, he always has time for me when i want to ask him about something product related, plus i love his work. We go over a set of custom suspenders, made in a more masculine cut. I'm in love. I put them on and prance around in all my queer gender fuckery. Eventually 1:30 rolls around, @CurtisMercury has somewhere to be and so do i. I make my way down to the lobby and meet up with my sadist. I stare at myself in the mirrored panel of the elevator as i ride it down.

I'm apprehensive about approaching him. "When was the last time you ate?" "Around 8, for breakfast." "Come on, lets get some lunch." "Ok." We go over to Quiznos and he buys me lunch. When i protest to pay for my own sandwich he looks me in the eye and says "I'm going to drown you later, the least you can do is let me buy you lunch." I stop arguing and take my sandwich. We go down into the dungeon level to find a comfy place to sit and eat. I'm still not hungry. We sit and chat and cuddle. I slowly ease myself into forgetting my imminent doom. I'm laughing. That's usually a good sign. I try to eat some of my sandwich.

2:30 rolls around, he's going to a class and i need to find a way to occupy myself. My brain is racing. I don't think i should be alone. I look into the classroom across from the futon i was seated on and see it's @M0co and @Beemo's "Frogs, Hogs and Shrimps" class on floor related rope work. I'm in no mood to be tied, but being around friends would be beneficial.  I find @Daria4 in the room as well. We partner up since the class requires partners, then we sit against the wall and watch everyone else tie. @Beemo feeds me a chip and pets me and tells me i'm a good puppy.

The class slot ends and i'm still looking for something to do. I know i shouldn't be alone. @Mister_Sean's interrogation class is scheduled next door. It's a difficult class to sit though, and i know because i've attended it before, but i don't think it will be an issue. I know what's coming and feel i'm prepared.  I meet up with @lizardhappy and we sit together. @Mister_Sean gives me a shout out for one of his rules and i forget my anxiety and fangirl out for a moment. It feels good. @Tigerlilly_Purrs is the demo bottom. She suffers beautifully. I've let my sadist push me as far as needing aftercare for a class, but that is nothing compared to this. I'm sitting literally in the splash zone, but my own anguish is forgotten watching her. I eat my sandwich. Then, at the end of the class, @Mister_Sean starts taking volunteers for water boarding. Excuse me, water boarding? This wasn't part of the class last time i sat in ...Sadist had mentioned his interest in doing that to me at some future time as well. Several times. You've got to be kidding me. I look at @lizardhappy "...i should leave" but i don't. Because i'm incapable of making a good decision for myself. I watch at least 5 people get water boarded. It doesn't seem so bad from the outside. I wonder what its like under the cloth. I bet it's awful.

I leave the class worried. I should find people. I wander over to the boot blacking station and muse around for a moment. I'd like my suspenders conditioned. While i'm waiting for my turn i wander upstairs to the lobby and spot @IrisEnchanted @CurtisMercury and @MurphyBlue sitting around the couches. I take a seat on the floor and ask @CurtisMercury if i can put my head on his knee. He puts his boot on my thigh and i relax, sort of puppying out. @Irisenchanted shows me her new toy. It's a lollypop. Eventually i go back downstairs and get my suspenders conditioned and hang out with Daddy , @CupcakeNarcotic @DragonEmrys and @TheFingerbangKid for a little while. Sadist texts me and tells me to meet him in the lobby in 20 minutes.

I owe Daddy a drink so we go upstairs to the bar. He gets a gin and tonic and we chill out. "You'll be fine Babydoll, text me when you're done so I know you're alright?" I nod "Yes Daddy.. I'll text you." I'm not making eye contact with him. I'm constantly looking around the bar, sadist might sneak up on me to scare me.  I see him and one of his other play partners, @Bedsquid coming and feel an unsettling combination of relief and anxiety. We aren't doing the drowning first, i tell myself. A few times, it sort of starts to settle in. We get to do blood play. And some of it will be his blood. We've never done blood play with blood from him before, it's always been mine. He had a few ideas for a photos and i was all to happy to oblige him on them. I'll always use my skills for a combination of sexy evil.  "How are you doing?" I don't look at him. He picks up my chin and gives me a hug. "You'll be fine." Fine. That word... I don't even know what to do with it anymore. Fine has become this term in an alien language i no longer understand. A language in a world where no one is trying to drown me in a bathtub. That world no longer exists.

"I need to grab dinner. Would you like to join @Bedsquid and I?" I nod my head. I'm not hungry at all, my appetite has been gone for hours but being around him is comforting. @Bedsquid gives me a hug and looks at me like i'm doomed. I am doomed. She thanks me for being his partner, at least there is someone else to get subjected to his horrible ideas. I'd asked him if he'd ever drowned anyone before, no, i get to be the first one.

We end up back at the Corner Bakery and grab food. Not long after, sadist and i start making our way over to my hotel room. I'm trying to calm down. We get in the room and start prepping for the first image we planned on. I'd wanted to redo an old avatar shot of mine, it doesn't take much time at all. We laugh a lot, i have him act as a stand in model so i can mess with the camera settings. Sadist isn't a photographer but he does shoot me a lot and does a good job. Those pictures are fantastic but i don't think they'll ever see the light of day beyond my eyes.

I'm so turned on, and so scared. He comes over to me and we sit on the bed. I'm worried about where i'll be when we're done. I'm absolutely convinced that i will be in a bad place, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm worried i won't be able to be sexual when at that point either. He has a great track record for having me explore things i'm terrified of that i really end up liking. I'm either going to like drowning, or i'm going to be putting it back  on my hard limits list, the one he actually mostly listens to, or something.

Now, for his blood play scene. He wanted a few shots of blood dripping out of his mouth. "You can stick me if you'd like" we're set up and ready to go, with a clean area a dirty area and plenty of chux. "No, i'd rather watch you stick yourself." I get a weird kind of sick pleasure at watching him cause himself pain. I'll take what i can get, after all, it's going to get bad for me later. I glove up and help supply him. I watch the needle piece the skin on his left arm and the blood flow into the bag. There's a pretty good amount of it. He pumps his fist and i take off the tourniquet. After a moment or two the blood flow starts to slow down and i grab him a piece of gauze. He has me grab his set of vampire teeth. "My life partner thought it would be hot if it's sort of a vampire related shoot." You know what, that works, a lot. Let's do it!" He puts on the sharp false canines.

I re-glove and grab a coffee stirrer out of a packet for him to use as a straw. Once he has everything i remove my gloves and grab the camera. I'm trying to stay in work mode as i watch him take the first sip of his own blood. Fuck that's hot. "It's still warm." I wonder what it would be like to kiss with a mouth full of blood. I bat the thought away. Shoot damnit. If we don't hurry it'll coagulate. I watch his eyes roll back as he takes another measure, this time letting some of it drip down his mouth and down his chest. My pussy is wet again. Fuck can i really be turned on? He's about to stick needles in me and then drown me. "All i can smell is pussy.." i look at him, pretty ashamed. He smiles. We progress with a few more pictures and eventually i put the camera down. He hops in the shower and cleans off and we review the images. They are hot.

I'm anxious again. He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I'm scared and turned on again. I pull the mental image of him blissing out with a mouth full of blood. All i smell is pussy. Does this thing ever turn off? The energy is intense. I'm going to get needles shoved in my skin and drowned in a tub. Why am i turned on? What is even going on here. I let go of the negativity and bite on him a little. I need something; contact, sex, something. We wrestle around a little, naked. It's hot. He tells me what a worthless whore i am while he uses me and i love it.

I lay down on top of a chuk on the bed, floating from an orgasm. We decide on 18gauge, since i'm clearly not paying attention. "What do you think, 10?" "10 18s? I don't know if i can take that, can we go until i say stop?" "No. Give me a number." "8. 8 needles." There's your number. He grabs the skin on my chest above my right breast quite high. I wince. The area has been prepped, he can stick me whenever he feels like it. I don't want to watch the needles, the angle i have to hold my head at is uncomfortable. I breathe though the insertion as he slides the first one into my skin. He almost always triple sticks the needles and buries the tip in me. Every poke the needle gets duller and it hurts more and more. By the fourth needle i'm a crying mess. There are four more needles. Six go in horizontally. The next four go in, somehow. He grabs the other two to make it the original ten. I cower away, whimpering. "Where do you think you're going?" I stop moving around. He slides the second to last needle in vertically under the others. I'm sobbing. The pain is intense. Normally we play with much smaller needles, 25g, 22g. The puts the 10th needle in and i need a moment.

"Can you sit up?" "I think so.." I'm not looking forward to trying. I know the needles will shift and i'll be in more pain. I can already feel the endorphins flooding my system. I feel floaty. I struggle to sit up and he helps me off the bed. We walk to the bathroom and he sits me down in the tub. I sit down facing him, shoulders slouched, looking up at him and then down at the needles. I see the tips of the vertical ones have slid back under my skin, they were exposed before i got up. Fuck. He grabs the hub of one of the vertical ones and pulls one out. It hurts. He removes the second one. "Now the fun can begin." I look up at him. He told me he found out an even more painful way to remove needles. I know what's coming. I'm so worked up when he grabs the next hub that i flinch roughly backwards and rip the needle out of myself. I yell and he laughs. "That sucked, didn't it? And I didn't even do it!" My vision is red. I huddle down in the tub, blood starts dripping down my chest. It's warm. I work my way though the pain and he grabs another hub and twists it out of me. A good number of the rest of the needles are removed in this same rough manor. I'm crying. My tears are mixing with my own blood on the floor of the bathroom, that's hot, i think to myself. I'm turned on. There are points i relish in the pain. I know i was smiling and laughing at some point, the rush was incredible. I want him to use me but that isn't the next thing on the list and the order of operations is very important. The next needle, the last needle he begins to slide out, and every time he pulls the tip back into my skin he moves it down a few millimeters and pushes it back through. It's agony. The tip gets duller each time. He does it at least four times before removing the needle entirely and sticking it in our sharps bin. They're all out. More blood drips down my chest onto my breasts and thighs. I like the way it feels.

He sits here with me, watching me bleed and we mutually enjoy the blood. Eventually it dries and coagulates. "Time to get cleaned up?" "I look up at him. I can stay here, in this cold empty tub. That's fine. Because if the tub is dry than he can't drown me in it. Flawless logic. "Come on." He helps me up and goes to turn on the shower. "PLEASE NOT COLD!" i grab his wrist with my left hand as he goes to turn on the water. He looks down at my hand "There had better not be blood on your palm." I release my grip immediately. Luckily earlier in the scene i had checked both my palms for blood to see if it was safe for me to touch anything. I was fine but in the moment i completely forgot. After my panic i show him my clean palm. He loves making me go into shock, and uses cold showers on me often. I don't think i can handle it right now. I whimper. "The water will be warm, here, you can control the temperature." I make the water as hot as i can stand it and clean off the blood. I call him back in to check me and make sure i'm clean and have stopped bleeding. He goes out to prep something and i stand staring at the shower knob knowing bad things will happen when i shut off the water.

I struggle to gain the nerve to turn off the water. I can feel myself tearing up. I think it took about five minutes to work up the nerve. I need to shut it off. He's going to drown me. I need to turn off the water. I watch my hand reach out and shut off the water. It's like something else is controlling it. The air stays warm for a little while. I don't move to get out of the shower. I told him i wouldn't fight him to get in the tub and if i'm already in it, well... That's half the battle isn't it? I'm facing outside. He comes back into the bathroom and looks at me. "How are you doing?" I don't say anything, or if i do i don't remember. He goes to turn on the water and makes it warm, but he doesn't turn on the shower or stop up the tub. I watch the water start to slowly fill the bottom of the tub. I cower away from him. He reaches out and puts his hands on either side of my face, letting me lean against him. He looks into my eyes watching for the panic. I hate how turned on i am. The tub seems to take an eternity to fill. I'm staring at the water, wide eyed. It's clear and warm and rising on my ankles.

"Sit down." The instruction is clear and simple. I shake my head no. I don't want to. "You can sit down, and do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." I whimper. I know what the hard way is. It involves ice. "Please don't..Please.." I'm not fighting the panic anymore. The time for that is done. He's naked. I know he's getting in the tub with me. That was something i'd asked for. Having him be close to me would make it easier for me to deal with what was going to happen. "Sit down." He looks me in the eye and my knees buckle. I sit down in the tub. I'm shaking. It's cold but the water is warm and soothing. The water is still running but the sound is peaceful and calming. He instructs me to lay down with my head towards the back of the tub. "Don't hit your foot on the faucet if you start struggling around. That will fucking suck." I make a mental note of it. I don't need a broken toe. I mentally acknowledge the irony of the man who is about to drown me telling me to be careful. I shake my head.

He has me lay back and i comply. I'm afraid, but not as terrified as i think i should be. He climbs into the tub with me and straddles me. His legs on either side of my hips. I'm propped up on my elbows to keep myself out of the water. My cheek is against his leg. I'm still shaking. He takes his hands and moves my face away from his leg. "Are you ready?" "Nn..n...no." I'm not ready, i don't know if i'll ever be ready. "We're going to start slow, remember?" I vaguely recall the conversation.. "10 seconds. You can hold your breath for 10 seconds, I know you can. Take a deep breath. Count in your head." I'm not ready when he covers my mouth with his hand and pinches my nose with the other. I struggle and sputter and waters gets up my nose, i rush back up for air. More shaking. "Let's try again. Let me know when you're ready." I take a moment to breathe and take a deep breath. He pushes my face under. The water comes up over my face and nose and the world goes quiet, just like he said. The water is warm. The filling of the tub is a low din in the background. I open my eyes under water and look up at him. I have no idea what he sees, i lost count at 3. He lets me up easily and i take another breath.

"20 seconds." That's too many. "15?" "20." "15.." "How about 17?" "15." I'm pretty adamant. "Alright, 15 seconds. Take a deep breath." I feel his hands back over my nose and mouth and i go under again. I grip his forearms with my hands but i don't struggle much. I can't count, i just wait for him to let me back up, and he does. We keep going through 25 seconds. He had turned off the water, the tub slowly drains but i know we aren't done. The going slowly part is over. He pulls me back up and tells me to take a deep breath. I don't even get a word in before he plunges me back down. There is no counting, there is no known time i've got to be down there. I struggle against him, i want to breathe. I barely miss his face with a flailing hand. I look up at him from under the water. The water burns my eyes.. DC has really chlorinated water i think. I blink. I'm back under. The time between each dunk is shrinking. I barely have any time to let the water run off my face and nose so i don't aspirate or inhale it while taking the next breath. I swallow some.

He turns the water back on, this time it's cool. I don't like it. He can't cover my face effectively with the water level where it is at. I feel the temperature change from my legs and ass work up my body, it never really gets to my face. I'm pleased that he's sitting in the cold water with me. Suffer, asshole. I think. He isn't suffering. He takes cold showers because he likes them. I conveniently forget about that.

I don't know how many times he shoved me under. I barely remember speaking at all. The whole scene becomes a blur of muffled noise, wetness and air. I'm so turned on and i hate it. I loathe myself, feeling this way. I love the way my body feels as it struggles against his. Like an anchor sitting on top of me. I absolutely can not throw him in this position, and i wouldn't try. Maybe that is why my mind went there, to a place where it was OK to be sexual. He checks in on me periodically. I see his face, cold and calculating looking down at me, blurry from under the water when i do happen to open my eyes and look up. I wonder what he is thinking. I know this isn't sexual for him. We've called it 'serial killer' play.

At some point i mistime my breathing and water rushes into my mouth, thankfully only my mouth. One of the few pieces of advice i had received prior to ...agreeing to do this was do NOT breathe in through your nose. I cough and sputter getting just enough air and he shoves me under again. After that, he lets me back up and looks into my eyes. "Have you had enough?" "Yes" speaking is difficult. I'm in a weird place. The tub is still draining. I can't remember him getting off me but eventually he pulls me out of the water and the tub and dries me off. I'm shaking. Once i'm mostly dry he takes me back over to the bed where i collapse against him and cry.